by Sarah Palin (as told to Guy Nicolucci)
THOR
First of all, I’m a Christian and I don’t hold much truck with pagans and false gods and that lot. Jesus Christ whipped them all fair and square back in 1492. So when I saw that a movie called Thor was playing at the WasillaPlex, it got my snow pants in a bunch. This Thor character is supposed to be a superhero, but he’s actually some kind of fancy-pants heathen idol taking jobs away from real American superheroes like Batman and Spiderman. (Though I have to say that I am one thin dime away from calling the border patrol on Superman – he’s nothing but an anchor baby from Krypton.)
Thor is this long-hair hippie with a magic hammer, who gets the boot from his country because he keeps tussling with villains named Frost Giants. I just want to say to everyone (hello Al Gore), If global warming is real, how come the Frost Giants haven’t melted by now?
To make things worse, Thor’s country is called Asgard. It sounds like a thingamajiggy that hockey players wear to make sure they don’t hurt their fannies (Ha!). As soon as Thor gets in trouble, he leaves Asgard or Buttplate for America. It is so typical for other countries to send their bad guys and up-to-no-gooders to the U.S. of A. That scraggly timberwolf Fidel Castro did it in 1980 when he let Al Pacino out of prison in “Scarface” and we all saw how that worked out. A lot of ruined shower curtains.
Thor sneaks into New Mexico through a “portal,” which I guess is a fancy East Coast word for “tunnel.” When he gets fresh with two American girls, they taser him. I like their spunk, but the fact that they strap him to the bed in a hospital is so typical of ObamaCare overreach. Later on Thor fights “The Destroyer,” which is a giant suit of armor that’s supposed to come from Asgard but looks like it was made in Japan.
My father always said that you should find something good to say about anybody, even commies or Nancy Pelosi. So I will admit that Thor is pretty handy with the hammer. But if I need an illegal alien who’s good with tools, I can drive into the parking lot of any Home Depot.
MADEA’S BIG HAPPY FAMILY
I am suing. That woman Tyler Perry, who plays Madea, is a great actress and a great directress, but I am going to sue the Spanx off her thieving backside. Just because she hired black actors to play everybody doesn’t give her the right to rip off my life story. Idiot children, cheating husbands, and worthless drug-dealing kin. Call my Jewish lawyer. I am suing.
Editor’s note: Ms. Palin does not watch any of the movies she reviews because she refuses to assist the lame-stream media.
Guy Nicolucci is an Emmy-winning writer who was worked for Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, Martin Short and the Emmys, among others. He teaches writing at NYU Tisch School of the Arts and you can follow him on Twitter here.
The Humor Section features pieces of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.
