You guys, straight up, Seinfeld: A XXX Parody is great. Maybe I’m just becoming more and more enamored with the genre as I go, but I feel like every porn parody I watch is better than the last. And Seinfeld is, so far, the cream de la cream.
It opens, accurately, with a stand-up bit from “Gerry” Seinfeld (played by my darling James Deen) that begins “So what’s the deal with pornography?” It just doesn’t get any better than that. From here we cut to a tonally perfect establishing shot outside a XXX video store, where Gerry and Elaina (a fantastic impression from Kristina Rose) are attempting to buy porn from “The Porn Nazi.” Elaina’s faux-cool attitude cues the Porn Nazi to scream “You can’t have any porn, lady!” Of course I’m kidding, he screams “No porn for you!”
Back at Gerry’s apartment, to the delight of porn parody fans everywhere, Gerry and Elaina decide to bone. I will say there is something strangely satisfying in watching Gerry and Elaina do it doggy-style on a perfect replica of the Seinfeld set.
Now. This scene. I’m going to recommend you watch it on mute. With the sound off, it’s a pretty good scene. With the sound on, it is filled with some of the weirdest, clingiest “dirty talk” I have ever heard, courtesy of Kristina Rose. A sampling: “I love you so much” (who says this in a porn??), “Make my pussy so sore I’ll feel it always” (ALWAYS?!), and the kicker, “I wanna drink you. I wanna have you in my tummy” (what).
As soon as Elaina gets Gerry “in her tummy,” we cut to a scene between Gerry, Jorge (a great George impression from Steve Pomerants, whose IMDB page is hilarious), and Crammer (a good impression from Eric John). It’s here that we learn the plot: Crammer is dissatisfied with his porn, so he’s going to make his own.
But wait, there’s more! That’s right, L. Roy Myers is going A/B/C plot on us. Gerry complains to Jorge about “Regina,” a girl he’s seeing that gets turned on too easily. In true George Costanza fashion, Jorge has a more worthy complaint - he’s getting married to “Suzanne” (Susan) in less than a month and “the pope gets more pussy than [him].” Gerry suggests they spice up their love life just as there’s a knock at the door, and Ashlynn Brooke (girl crush!) as Regina shows up.
At this point, all I am thinking is please don’t make Ashlynn Brooke fuck George Costanza. The pretext is there, the couch is there, just…just please, don’t do it. Luckily instead we get a comedic moment where Regina is getting turned on by literally everything (Gerry saying hello, being inside, a boring new table) and as soon as Jorge talks she goes completely dry. We then cut away, which means it was an entire scene for plot and comedy only! Huzzah!
Next up we see Elaina, who’s returned to the porn store to try and buy porn again, a great Seinfeld-ian return-to-the-scene moment. Of course the Porn Nazi recognizes her, and as he yells “Thou shalt not buy pornography!”, a random girl motions for Elaina to come into the back room. This girl offers Elaina the number to the Porn Nazi’s secret distributor and also her vagina. This scene also features the first butt play in all four porn parodies I’ve watched (“About time!” – not me) so if you’re into that you’re in luck.
We then cut to Crammer, who’s grabbing food off a picnic table when he realizes he’s stumbled onto a porn shoot between Sasha Grey and Sadie West. Oh you know, how that happens all the time! The laugh track here (oh, did I mention this porn parody has a phenomenal laugh track?) is perfectly timed to his realization. It’s legitimately funny.
The sex scene that follows is made decidedly more watchable due to them framing out Crammer’s head a lot. After he finishes on their upturned butts, the camera op calls cut, the girls start wiping themselves off, and we zoom in on Crammer’s face for a perfectly shell-shocked delivery of “Ohhh momma.” It’s the perfect porn parody scene.
From here we jump back to Gerry’s apartment, where Crammer is setting up the shoot for his own porn scene. Jorge and his fiancée Suzanne enter, and for the second time I find myself hoping no one has to have sex with George Costanza. Luckily, someone named “Buck” enters to audience applause, and it’s revealed to both the viewer and to Jorge that “Buck” is the one who’s going to have sex with Suzanne.
Despite this, Jorge gives the okay for another man to fuck his soon-to-be-wife on camera (oh Jorge!) and leaves, shouting “Serenity now!” over his shoulder. A bit forced, but okay.
The scene between Suzanne and “Buck” (who I still have no idea who he’s supposed to be. Putty? Tim Whatley?) is cookie cutter, but good. The best part is that they occasionally show Crammer in the background with a camera, making this the first porn parody I’ve seen where there is comedy DURING a sex scene. I’m in love.
Next we cut to Gerry and Regina watching TV, and man, I wanted this sex scene to happen so badly. James Deen and Ashlynn Brooke are my Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Instead, Gerry (in true Seinfeld fashion) confronts Regina about her sexuality and she leaves in a huff. Enter “Noman”! The requisite bizarro exchange takes place (“Hello Noman.” “Hello Gerry.”) and Noman explains that he’s there to pick up a package from Crammer to deliver to Jorge. It’s Suzanne’s sex tape, naturally. We can see where this is going.
Noman then runs into Regina in the stairwell, picks her up with the line “is that polyester?”, and they head to the XXX video store.
Upon their arrival, the Porn Nazi notices the tape at once, and Noman panics, dropping the tape in his haste to leave. Regina starts humping the Porn Nazi (because she’s turned on by creepy mustaches?) and they head to the back room. Regina pulls out the Porn Nazi’s schnitzel, and – wait a minute. That penis looks familiarly… huge. A quick IMDB search confirms it – the Porn Nazi is played by Evan Stone, otherwise known as McBain, and I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE HIM UNTIL I SAW HIS PENIS. I can’t tell if I should be proud of my newfound ability to recognize penises or mortified at my apparent inability to recognize FACES. Oh well. Ashlynn Brooke handles the behemoth much better than her predecessor, and this scene’s okay. Evan Stone grunts too much. What’re you gonna do?
Back out front, Gerry and Crammer are in line when they notice the tape of Suzanne and Buck playing (already) on the store’s television set. Noman and Regina exit from the back room, Noman pocketing a bunch of money, sooo I guess they planned the whole thing? Who knows. What’s important is that Jorge enters with Suzanne, and Gerry, Crammer, Jorge and Suzanne engage in a four-way argument until the Porn Nazi yells that “They may not purchase the pornography today, ho-ho!” and they exit, crossing paths with Elaina.
The Porn Nazi recognizes Elaina and tries to tell her that “No porn will ever be her porn!” but no, Elaina has the list of new releases from his distributor (including “Stick It In My Doodiehole #72”, a fantastic fake porn name), and the Porn Nazi is through. All the plots are tied up in a relatively neat little package, and we’re out.
All that’s left is one quick little stand-up bit from Gerry (“so what’s the deal with fake boobs?”) and that brings us to the – what the. “Sandra” (a parody of obscure Teri Hatcher-helmed character Sidra) is suddenly up on stage with the actual Seinfeld line “Well these are real. And they are spectacular.”, and whips out her enormous boobies for James Deen to slap around for a good twenty minutes. Is this the first time a specific line from a show has dictated an entire porn parody sex scene? I sure like to think so.
All in all, Seinfeld: A XXX Parody was great. At nearly two and a half hours, it’s a little long (this is conveniently also how I feel about Evan Stone’s penis), but the impressions are good and even with a refreshingly complex storyline, it’s filled with both laughs AND sex. Plus, no one had to see George Costanza’s penis, and that’s all anyone can ever ask ever.
Sarah Schneider has written for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).
