fugging it up

The Fug Girls Rate the True Blood Characters’ Fashion Sense

Photo: Art Streiber/HBO
Eric Northman, pre-amnesia. Photo: Art Streiber/HBO

The area in and around Bon Temps, Louisiana — True Blood’s fictional HQ — is famous for a lot of things: a rockin’ bar that only occasionally breaks out into weird orgies; a portal to Fairyland; an unusually comprehensive array of supernatural visitors the likes of which make Twilight look like the soft-rock ballad of vampire series; and a whole lot of bloodshed. Maybe that’s why the town is not known for being a hotbed of fashion. You can’t spend too much time fussing on your outfit when your blood-sucking quasi-boyfriend is under the control of a centuries-old witch. Then again, as Lafayette would say, bitch, please. A little carnage is no reason not to keep it cute. Please join us as we rank the residents of Bon Temps on whether they’re surviving it all with style. Ten means they’re doing swell, and one means they … well, this time we’ll avoid the easy pun.

Her backstory: As if she didn’t have enough to do — being the possessor of magical blood, and the beloved of nearly every supernatural man-creature within thirty miles – Sookie also sometimes has to, gasp, wait tables. Her look: Somebody obviously once told Sookie that hot weather equals hot pants. In fact, she bravely battles the Bon Temps humidity by almost always refusing anything with sleeves or pants. She also owns a covetable, endless collection of skimpy sundresses, the better to drape tantalizingly off her heaving bosom. Her score: 5. A girl cannot live on tiny frocks and booty shorts alone. We suggest Sookie Netflix the middle seasons of Buffy to learn how to incorporate more vampire-friendly separates into her wardrobe.
His backstory: Sookie’s chivalrous vampire ex-boyfriend; current King of Louisiana; fan of recycling. His look: Now that he’s the state’s Vampire monarch, Bill’s given himself a makeover, upgrading from button-down shirts and Polos to a suit-and-tie motif with a variety of pocket squares, a weirdly ‘90s-boy-band haircut, and, in one instance, a pinky ring. His score: 6. We are amused by Bill going full Men’s Warehouse on us, but… seriously, dude? A pinky ring? Leave Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny where he belongs.
His backstory: Sookie’s current kinda-maybe boyfriend; generally a snarky Viking vampire bad-ass, but for the last couple of weeks (until last night), a spacey, bewitched amnesiac. His look: We know Eric, at least, cares about his appearance – those highlights look one-hundred-percent professional — but his wardrobe frequently drifts into Euro-Trash territory, and he has an undeniable and disturbing fondness for track suits. His score: 4. He has spent this entire season dressed like he’s frozen in time as a college student shuffling to the dorm showers. Pull it together, dude, or at least invest in a hoodie with sleeves.
Her backstory: Pam is Eric’s delightfully sharp-tongued, somewhat murderous vampire Girl Friday. Her look: Pam is perhaps the only person in the Bon Temps area who cares what she’s wearing. And, as such, she’s never met a dubious trend she didn’t try to resurrect (a Juicy sweatsuit? Really?), which we imagine is because a century of shopping gets pretty boring after a while. And while some women might have given up when pieces of their faces started falling off, Pam rightly coped by donning a dramatic hat with a veil. That’s exactly what we imagine Anna Wintour would do in similar circumstances. Her score: 9. Despite the Juicy, Pam has the only wardrobe on the show that we’d ever consider raiding. Hello, the woman managed to pull off a red sequined jumpsuit last seen on the set of Dynasty, and she actually cares when viscera lands on her shoes.
His story: Sookie’s dim but well-meaning brother currently heads up the overworked Bon Temps police force, possesses impressive abs, and is incapable of resisting anything with boobs, even if she’s also a werepanther. His look: When he’s not looking totally CHiPs in his snug police uniform and aviators, Jason wears solely jeans and T-shirts. And sometimes not even the T-shirts. Nor the jeans. (We’re not complaining.) His score: 7. What? Naked man-abs are awfully effective when it comes to the ladies, which is generally his driving concern in life.
Her story: Sookie’s best friend is – pretty much in this order — a maker of generally terrible life choices, an occasional lesbian, and an even more occasional mixed martial artist. She’s Bon Temps’ local Renaissance woman. Her look: Tara correctly realizes that her upper arms are awesome and therefore seems to have a wardrobe consisting only of tank tops and jeans. Her score: 5. Like Sookie, Tara could benefit from mixing it up on occasion. Bonus points, though, for being smart enough to always wear something she can run in, given that she tends to get kidnapped or held hostage, like, a lot. In fact, we should’ve listed that as one of her hobbies.
His backstory: Local bar owner and friendly neighborhood shape-shifter. His look: We appreciate a man who can rock a good pair of jeans, and indeed, along with a plaid shirt, that is basically all Sam wears. Except for when he’s a dog, at which point his lumberjack couture is too constricting. His score: 6. We like Sam’s Regular Guy look, but points off for the fact that you just know his clothes are mega-funky, given how he’s always taking them off in the woods and leaving them in the dirt while he turns into some animal or another. At least invest in a gym bag or some potpourri sachets.
His backstory: Alcide is a dreamy werewolf and….fine, we don’t know what he does when he’s not walking around shirtless, and nor do we care. His look: Abs. His score: 10. Don’t mess with perfection.
Her backstory: Bill’s ward is a relatively new vampire and, apparently, also an ardent Taylor Swift fan, which actually makes terrific sense to us. Her looks: Any sundress in a ten-mile radius not in Sookie’s closet must therefore be found in Jessica’s. Her girlish aesthetic is totally appropriate given that she’s the vampire equivalent of a college freshman. This current season has seen her get a little, er, nastier, and with that, we’ve seen Jessica’s wardrobe swing slightly sexier — but only slightly. Most of the time, she could still pop into a sorority meeting without anyone batting an eye. Her score: 7. The dresses are cute, she never forgets to pack a cardigan, and we’d like to borrow her hair, please.
His backstory: This generally sweet lughead/public works employee/former mama’s boy had a relationship with Jessica that recently imploded in a truly unfortunate manner. His look: Well, right now he’s depressed, so it’s mostly boxers in front of the TV. The rest of the time, Hoyt looks like he tripped and fell into the Old Navy warehouse. His score: 4. Poor Hoyt. Someone’s going to need to take this boy out for the time-honored post-break-up makeover and spruce him up a little. We nominate Pam. (Seriously, someone, please make this scene happen.)
His backstory: Skilled short-order chef; medium prone to getting possessed by a variety of dead people; lover of false lashes. His Look: Lafayette never met a head scarf he didn’t embrace. He may also be the only man in Bon Temps who’s familiar with the concept of premium denim. OVERALL SCORE: 8. Yes, Lafayette is a campy, over-the-top dresser, but at least he commits. And he never makes us sad, even when he’s incubating the soul of a dead woman who may or may not be a demon baby-stealer, which is no small feat.
Her backstory: Arlene is a harried mother and shrieky Merlotte’s waitress, and her husband is marooned on a creepy time-traveling island replete with canned goods and decaying coveralls. Wait, hang on, maybe we’re crossing the streams here. Her look: Day-Glo hair and a waitressing uniform. Her score: 3. Oh, honey. We know your son might be possessed by an evil spirit (or…something? That plot line is kind of confusing) but there’s no excuse for that hair. Call Miss Clairol and make an appointment to return to planet Earth.
Her backstory: Doll collector, anti-vampire bigot, and semi-professional smothering mother. Her look: Maxine depends completely on the power of a well-deployed muumuu. In the absence of a muumuu, a housecoat is acceptable. Often accessorized by hair curlers. Her score: 2. If it’s true that you only look as good as you feel, then Mrs. Fortenberry must feel terrible. Maybe it’s time to move? Although technically, that advice could apply to everyone.
The Fug Girls Rate the True Blood Characters’ Fashion Sense