Spoiler alert! You know how in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, you’re not quite sure whom to root for in the climactic mutant monkey vs. jerky human battle? This is kind of how we felt during last night’s Ron versus Mike screamy, sweaty, futon-throwy psychotic episode. More on that later — there’s a Filthy Dozen to discuss!
1. ASS MENAGERIE
The sun rises over Villa Skanka. Mike hustles a still numb and drunk Britney out the door and into a cab, while Brit’s “virgin” twin sister Erica, who had spent the evening as a half-conscious, schnapps-drenched kadima sex ball batted around between Vin and Deena, decides to stay a while. Mike tries to get her to leave, too, saying her sister’s already gone home. “I’m an individual!” Erica protests, and one gets the sense that this is what she used to say as a 5-year-old to anybody who dared give her and Britney the same flavor of juice box. Only this time, Erica’s asserting her individuality by stating that unlike her sister, she banged TWO strangers whilst in the same room as a union camera crew. Britney only banged ONE. See? She IS an individual. Anyway, Mike’s still upset that his “menagerie” got messed up by Deena’s robbery.
2. IT’S TAG TEAM, NOT “TAG ROB”
Speaking of robberies, Vin’s still steamed about how Deena pulled another one by dragging Erica out of his bed and into her own mid-smush. In actuality, the only people who should really be upset about this are Erica’s parents and maybe Amnesty International. Anyway, Vinny’s account of the evening suggests that poor Erica “polished off” both Deena and Vinny, but that it doesn’t count as a true “tag team” since there was a theft involved — it’s a “tag rob.” Either way, it’s “tag prescriptions for Valtrex” for everyone involved.
3. ACCORDING TO SITCH …
The other thing we spent all week not thinking about was Mike’s attempt to sabotage Snooki and Jionni’s relationship. He went into greater detail about the alleged encounter he had with Snook behind Jionni’s back. He says it went thusly: His boy Unit was banging Snook’s pal Ryder, you see, and the mere sight of this got Snooki so turned on that she propositioned Mike. And by “propositioned,” Mike means “mouth-raped his balls in a Radisson Junior Suite.” Whatever happened/didn’t happen, it was probably sad and disgusting. Meanwhile, the gals are recounting Deena’s “lesbionic” experience, with their own tales of sapphic love. Snooki “licked a nipple once; it was weird.”
4. DEENA - GAY RIGHTS ICON?
When the gals return for Sunday dinner, Deena has to endure some pretty childish and offensive ribbing from the guys about her hookup with Erica — “the carpets are clean” and such. In a defiant moment, Deena tells them to basically shut the fuck up and that she had a good time. Meanwhile, Snooki calls Jionni and informs him about the rumors Mike’s been spreading — it goes surprisingly rationally.
For Sunday dinner, the ladies decide to dress up “like 40-year-olds from Yonkers,” which is what we thought they’d been dressing up as for the past few seasons. Anyway, this involves them wearing ridiculously oversize sunhats, sunglasses, and dresses. Mike observes that this makes them look like “the Kentucky Derby fucked the Easter Bunny”, which is only partially true — it looks like they banged the Easter Bunny, then ate it, pooped it out, took the bunny poop to a tanning salon, and then took away its ability to read and write. Over dinner, Deena explains that the night before Erica “tried to go down there” but was rebuffed. We’re guessing that what really happened is that Erica got about as far as the scab on Deena’s belly button before being punched in the senses by something that smelled like sea lion aquarium tank water and Ethan Hawke’s goatee.
6. FUTON FUN PART ONE
Vin and Pauly decide to pay Deena back for her cock-blockery by moving her bed out of their room? If that futon could talk, it would probably say “I’m itchy.” This gives Deena a panic attack. JWOWW intervenes, pleading with Vinny to not make such a big deal out of everything: “You move on, you fuck another girl, and she moves on.” This sounds reasonable to everyone, and they all make up.
7. TRAVEL ADVISORY …
To anyone visiting Italy, we implore you: Do NOT eat at Pizzeria De Vesuvio (not sure of the name). If you do, your pizza is very likely to be topped with bird shit and Snooki’s hair. The gang rolls out of bed at 5 (p.m., not a.m.) to report for work at their contrived job. Pauly is passing out flyers, because it’s the best way to meet girls. Deena and Snooki spend their shift drinking in the closet, explaining to their flummoxed manager that “Deena’s on her period” (or as Deena calls it, her “perioso”). A bird craps on Pauly. We will never eat pizza again.
8. RON AND JWOWW SHOPPING MONTAGE!
Ron and JWOWW go shopping at a charming boutique/tacky tourist trap. Ron buys Sammi a plastic cummerbund and Betty Rubble’s dress. She is thrilled! All is well.
9. BRING YOUR CLOTHES AND YOUR PENIS
(a) the suggested dress code for a party at Bret Michaels’s house.
(b) what you should take with you to a Hurricane evacuation center this weekend.
(c) something Snooki said to JWOWW about Jionni’s visit over cheese.
The answer is all of the above, of course, and regarding c, JWOWW suggests to Snooki that she get a dildo made of Jionni. “A Clay of His Penis?” asks Snooki, inadvertently coming up with the title of a Stieg Larsson book.
10. A HAPPY SAMRON CANNOT LAST
Nor should it. Is it just us, or is it creepier to see SamRon happy and on a date then seeing them angry and hateful toward one another? It’s all we know. Sammi’s wearing the ugly blue dress that Ron/MTV bought her, and they go out for a romantic dinner at a cozy, out-of-the-way spot located around the corner from their house on a busy commercial strip. By our clocks, their bliss has gone uninterrupted for about 40 minutes.
11. YAB STANDS FOR …
We were trying to come up with an acronym for YAB, the loud cesspool of a dance club the gang heads to, but we couldn’t come up with one that didn’t feature the words anus or balls. We welcome your suggestions. Whilst at YAB, Vinnie chats up Seth Rogen in a dress, Chef Girl-ar-dee, an actual Italian lady who informs Vinnie that she “will not screw him.” Mike and Pauly find a couple of DTF chicks to bring home, and … uh-oh … Ron’s getting clammy. This can’t be good. He starts dancing on top of the bar within five feet of a lady … this can’t be good at all … cut to Sammi’s reaction and … we’re off!
12. FUTON FUN PART TWO
Okay, so the Ron and Sammi fight is sadly predictable: He gets drunk, she gets jealous, they storm out of the club, go home, cry in bed — we’ve literally seen the exact same thing play out in at least eleven episodes. The wrinkle here is that Mike tries to ease the tension by saying something sort of sweet: “At the end of the day, youse both love each other.” Aw … then, Sammi tells drunkRon that Mike had said something innocuous about bringing five girls home a few weeks ago — and apparently Ron’s gotten his hands on some EuroXenedrine because the shirt is off and things get really crazy really quickly! Ron confronts a sleeping Mike, who’s just waiting for his daily 4 a.m. Britney jizzfest to arrive. Ron goes apeshit (that’s why we were reminded of Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes, only less sympathetic and articulate), Mike goes batshit, the very beginning of the brawl is shown, with Ron tossing Mike and his back over a bed frame. By the way, Ron does the impossible by making us sympathize with Mike — especially after he shoves Sammi. What a dick.
TO SUM UP:
We can’t wait for next week! Although the promos make it appear as if Ron has murdered The Situation.