Last night collected several creepy moments from season two and put them into one episode: Mike being a dick in a hoodie! Ron and Sam reunite! Vin-sencrantz and Paul-denstern (yeah, we just dropped some Shakespeare in a Jersey Shore recap) offering bemused observations over a game of tiny Foosball! Stalkers! A lot of fun stuff happened, perfectly setting the stage for next week, when someone FINALLY gets hauled off in an Italian ambulance and/or cop car. To the dozen!
1. RON AND SNOOK’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
By “excellent” we mean “mundane,” but it was still nice to see these two, who normally don’t hang out alone together, go out for some pre-gym “pinot grige.” If you’ve ever wondered what Ron and Snooki would act like if they wandered onto the set of The Amazing Race, here was your answer: confused and indifferent. Snooki ENCOURAGES a seemingly emotionally healthy Ron to get back with Sam. DID YOU KNOW: Snooki also suggested to Ryan Reynolds that he do Green Lantern and The Change-Up, and almost 50 years ago told President Kennedy that Dallas is lovely in November. Ron and Snooki head to “La Tribusi Scateni,” which is Italian for “the gym where an old guy will weiner-slap your back.”
2. ELLIS ISLAND: “GIVE US YOUR SCABBY, YOUR GROSS, YOUR ORANGE ASSES YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE”
Ellis is the Italian waiter whom Deena and Sam meet over lunch, and the producers somehow got him to sign a release form to be Deena’s “love interest.” Deena’s on a mission, you see, to find someone with a nice smile, straight teeth, “cute Italian lean cuisine that speaks well English,” in other words, everything that she is not. Deena’s more “Hot Pocket” than “Lean Cuisine” — a Hot Pocket filled with swear words and wet band-aids.
3. OFF TO CENTRAL
Before heading out to Club Central for the evening, Vin and Pauly are engaged in a fierce Foosball match. It’s really nice to see them discover all that Italy has to offer. Mike is dressed up like one of the Black Eyed Peas if they were professional tennis players in the seventies. At Central, Single Ron’s being — well, we can’t say “normal” or “charming,” but kind of amusing and inoffensive. I wonder why? Ellis, Deena’s waiter, apparently took the extra 30 Euros the producers offered him and showed up. He immediately started “Jersey Turnpiking” her, which, if you don’t recall, is that thing where a girl bends over on the dance floor and puts her ass in a guy’s balls. Snooki asks JWOWW: “Is Firenze Florence?” All is as it should be as we head into the first commercial break.
4. TWO AND A HALF BONERS
The title of tonight’s episode is “Twinning,” in honor of the skanktastic twins Britney and Erica who show up, plus it’s a super-clever take on Charlie Sheen’s “winning” catchphrase, which now seems as fresh as Snooki’s underpants. It’s basically a reminder that these shows were all shot at the beginning of 2011, as is next week’s episode, which features Deena smushing the golden-voiced homeless guy whilst at an uprising in Tahir Square. ANYWAY, Mike’s girl Britney, whom he earlier referred to as “the most DTF girl he’s ever met” shortly before getting attacked by a pigeon, has a twin SISTER! So their parents are now experiencing TWICE the shame and heartbreak! These two figure prominently in the back half of the episode.
5. ABERCROMBIE & SITCH
On their way home, Deena tells waiter Ellis that she’s not “semplice” (easy). No, she’s “multo semplice.” Snooki’s on the phone with her dad, when out of nowhere, a purple Abercrombie & Fitch hoodie’d Mike violates her face! So THAT’S why they paid Mike not to wear his clothes! Because he’s a creepy, clammy douchebag! The Italian tourism board should have followed A&F’s lead. In the other room, Deena and Ellis are trying to get their dry-hump on when Vinny and Pauly engage in anus interruptus. Deena’s pissed, and Vin sort of looks like Gilbert Gottfried. After Deena’s super-sexy tirade at her roommates, Ellis wisely says he wants to leave, and sneaks out in the middle of the night. He is the wisest man in Jersey Shore history.
6. THESE TWINS ARE WAY LESS AWESOME THAN DEVITO/SCHWARZENEGGER
Ron and Pauly pull a prank on Mike, inviting the stalker twins over for breakfast. Finally, payback for the time Mike poisoned JWOWW’s dogs so that they’d diarrhea all over the Jersey house. The twins arrive, and one look at them in the daylight and you immediately wonder (a) what kind of unspeakable trauma happened to these two when they were younger, (b) oh wait, these two were probably cast by MTV and flown down there and given all the jean shorts and Parliament Lights they’d ever want. So Mike, Britney, and Erica go out for the most depressing smoke-covered omelette in Europe, until …
7. YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME
Ron takes Sam for a “romantical” breakfast so that they can finally have “the talk.” No, not the delightful CBS daytime chat show, but “the talk” about why they’re going to date this season and make everyone really uncomfortable. Sammi tells Ron she’s “never gonna hurt you,” except for that time she punched him in the face. Ron says “let’s give it a shot” and offers her a mint, and we’re on. Okay, time for a quiz: What will Ron throw at Sammi this season? (a) a pot of hot pasta, (b) furniture, (c) Snooki, (d) all of the above. We’re going with “b.”
8. CONSERVATIVE RONNIE
To all of those President Reagan fans who just Googled him and came up with this post, we apologize. So Ron breaks the news that he and Sam will be abusing each other again this year, and does so by wearing a black, not a white, T-shirt. This is also what Ron does when selecting a new Pope. Black T-shirts, you see, mean that “Conservative Ronnie” is back, meaning he will soon go to rallies about the debt ceiling. By the way, anyone else think that Ron’s haircut this season looks like Jim Carrey’s in Dumb & Dumber?
9. FLO!
Who knew that Alice star Polly Holliday opened up a dreadful nightclub in Florence?? Well, kiss my grits (and my taint)! The gang is having a great time at Flo. They’ve got it popping, and Mike seems to be laying the foundation for a disturbing incestuous three-way with Britney and Erica, with Snooki’s help. Erica reveals that she’s a virgin, which is like Dirk Nowitzki calling himself short. Suddenly, like a drunk orange hurricane, Deena sweeps in and starts making out with Erica, in front of everyone! And they are MAKING OUT, not pretend reality show tongue-less pecking. It looks like they are bobbing for cold cuts in each other’s faces.
10. THE GREAT SKANK ROBBERY
What happens next can best be described as a giant slap in the face for those who’ve fought tirelessly over the past several years on behalf of gender equality and gay rights. To sum up: Deena brings a clearly drunk Erica home. They start fooling around in her bed. Deena goes out for a sandwich and a pee. Erica climbs on top of a sleeping Vinny. They start fooling around. Deena grabs Erica BACK and pulls her off of Vinny and back into HER bed. Deena, possibly in mid-finger-blast, tells Erica “wait, I really love penis” and hauls her BACK onto Vinny. Did you follow that? How sad do you feel?
11. HE SAID, SHE BANGED
The whole “Mike said he banged Snooki” thing is so tired and silly that it doesn’t merit much of a mention. It’s like a romantic comedy without the romance or the comedy. Sort of like that movie Bounty Hunter with Gerard Butler and Jentherine Heiglston. Mike says he hooked up with Snooki two months ago, meaning she cheated on Jionni. Does Mike like to stir up trouble? Absolutely. But, on the other hand, Snooki didn’t immediately deny it, and she’s also kind of slutty sometimes. Still, we don’t believe it ever happened. At this point, there’s a caste system in the house and Mike is untouchably gross to everyone, except Britney or self-loathing interns. Oh, and who are Unit and Ryder, and when are they getting their own show?
12. JIONNI LOVES SNOOKI?
JWOWW, who didn’t have much to do this episode, is consoling a genuinely concerned Snooki — her boyfriend Jionni will have to take her word over Mike’s right? We’ll see soon, as he’ll no doubt fly out to Italy (we hope). Oh crap — we totally forgot about Ron’s Hannah from back home! Does she still have her plane ticket?? When Sammi finds out, she’s going to twat-butt someone! The episode ends on an ominous note, a haunting night-vision montage of everyone in bed: Vin and Erica, Mike and Britney, Sam and Ron, and Pauly, alone, who is dreaming happily of Foosball and the premiere date of his spinoff.
TO SUM UP:
Three club outings and no tired shifts at the pizzeria make this a taut, action-packed episode. But the real fun looks like it happens NEXT week, with the RonRon vs. Situation smackdown! Plus, it looks like Ron throws LUGGAGE at Sammi (dammit, we should have guessed that).
