There is so much to be thankful for today: Lady Gaga Dice Clay’s inspired Joyce Hyser homage… Hurricane Irene was actually Scattered Showers Irene … and most of all, we only had to wait 72 hours to see the conclusion of the Ronnie/Sitch fight that began in the last episode. There were other great moments, too, as you’ll see in this very special episode of the Filthy Dozen.
1. CONCRETE 1, MIKE 0
Okay, at first we felt a bit cheated. For the past few months — up to and including last episode’s promo — we’d been led to believe that Ron puts Mike in the hospital, seemingly by his fists or luggage. In the first few seconds it’s revealed that not only was the fight sort of tame by Jersey Shore standards, Mike’s injuries were self-inflicted when he inexplicably head-butted the concrete wall. This was apparently an attempt to intimidate Ron by seeming insane. It was a classic Sitch moment that will be played over and over again at cast reunions, or at Mike’s funeral when he succumbs to massive blunt force head/balls trauma. Either way, it was comically violent and stupid, which is exactly what drew us to this show to begin with …
2. RON, STOP SHOVING SAMMI, YOU CREEPY DICKHEAD
… but what saps the fun of this show is Ron’s blatant and disturbing abuse of Sammi. The emotional abuse is standard reality fare (jealousy, swearing, tears, etc.) but it’s those quick moments when Ron shoves Sammi — once last episode, twice in this one — that you start to question the wisdom of the producers. Also, Ron, that’s not okay: Not when you’re drunk, not when you’re angry. If he’s displayed flashes of this behavior toward women on camera, Lord knows what he’s done to Sammi and other women over the years off camera. You’ve seen the way this putz dances; he’s capable of anything. Our point is he should be arrested, not for what happened with Mike, but for his treatment of Sammi.
3. AMBULANCE IS HEEYAH!
Mike rebounds from his Looney Tunes-ish–face-plant, and gets in a halfhearted wrestling match with Ron and the large man who is either a producer, security, or the heretofore unseen ninth cast member. JWOWW tries to ease the tension by calming Ron down: “Let’s not make this Jersey!” she pleads. Too late! Ron screams at Sammi that she’s “not worth nothing,” which is a double negative, meaning that she is worth something! Advantage Sammi! Mike, meanwhile, is lying on the couch, clearly injured. We were hoping that the blow (from the wall, not his necklace) would cause him to suddenly speak dozens of languages and give him a genius I.Q. and telekinetic abilities. What movie was that? Phenomenon? K-Pax? Did anyone see K-Pax? Do you think anyone owns K-Pax on DVD? What would you do if you were on a date with someone and you saw K-Pax in their DVD collection? We think that would be strange. Anyway: Stretchahs are heeyah! Mike’s going to the hospital!
4. RON’S REMORSE
Ron tries to plead with Sammi’s comforter, just like he used to do in Seaside. Meanwhile, the girls talk in the other room about Mike’s apparent concussion. Snooki claims she used to get concussions all the time when she was cheerleading, which means she’s confusing “concussions” with “pregnancy scares” or “semi-conscious hand jobs.” Ron then has a very strong and awkward embrace with Vinny, as the Xenedrine Gamma Rays have worn off on Drunk Hulk.
5. DO NOT DEFILE THE SMUSH ROOM!
How dare Ron and Sam use the Smush Room for anything other than the creation of horrible sexual memories for teens studying abroad?!? They go in there to talk?!? At least it gives us the chance to see the Smush Room in non-night-vision light, and it is a scary petri room of DNA, tears, cigarette butts, and the echoes of ham-fisted foreplay. Anyway, Ron apologizes to Sam, and she looks as if she may forgive him, until, that is, he admits to calling a girl … from Long Island!!! That is the last straw for Sammi: You can call her a dumb whore, you can jackhammer her self-esteem, physically and mentally abuse her … but don’t you dare call a girl from Levittown. That is Ron’s unforgivable crime. With that, Ron pulls an Angelina and decides to leave the house!
6. HEY, DRUG MULES: TRY FLORENCE!
As Ron starts to pack up his ‘roids, we are wondering how the fuck he got all of this stuff through customs: Did he buy Italian knockoff Xenedrine (Xenadrini) and cow diabetes medicine on the streets of Firenze? Also, through five episodes it’s revealed they’ve only been there for one week?? They’ve each already aged several years. Vinny manages to talk Ron into staying, unfortunately, because Ron says “Vinny’s like the Dr. Phil of the house — he’s young but gives good advice.” Actually, Vinny is neither of those things. Nor is Dr. Phil, come to think of it. “Fast Flora” then calls for “Nooki” to deliver some flowers, and we at home want to “fast flora” through this part and get to the good stuff.
7. THE SITCH IS BACK!
That was an Elton John reference. Not because of the song, but because Mike’s sunglasses/yellow sweatpants/neck-brace combo makes him look like a backup dancer from the “I’m Still Standing” video. Or it just makes him look even creepier. The CAT scan, of course, found nothing except for facial grease and AXE body spray fumes that had seeped into his skull. Ron goes in to make peace with him, but Mike just mutters nonsensically while sleeping next to a plate of sandwiches. That is not a new nickname for Snooki.
8. THE HOUSE IS BACK TO NORMAL … SORT OF
Segment 4 was a bit of filler; JWOWW and Snooki get flowers from Roger and Jionni (JWOWW hasn’t had much to do this season, or really at all since that dude hijacked her hard drive midway through last season) and they all go out for laundry and Pauly compares SamRon’s relationship to throwing up. Cut to commercial: Anyone else think that the new Footloose remake is going to make Meatballs III: Summer Job look like The Godfather: Part II?
In a quick, horrifying sequence, Snooki does the following: reveals she took a “sexy shower” (oy, that poor loofah); flashes her beaver in denim shorts; and tries to entice Jionni into phone sex by saying she wants his butthole. She makes efficient use of her screen time this episode. JWOWW, take note.
10. GARBAGE AND SAD MIKE MONTAGE
The next few minutes should have been slowed down with REM’s “Everybody Hurts” playing over it. Mike feels like nobody is checking in on him, his neck brace, and his bedside placenta sandwich, and you begin to feel his pain and alienation. And then you realize he’s a massive tool in yellow sweatpants and a hoodie. Sammi attempts to apologize to him, and then, taking a page out of the Eighth Grade Breakup Handbook, brazenly returns every piece of crap knockoff that Ron ever stole/bought for her. Ron takes a page out of the same book and proceeds to throw said stuff out. Sam recollects the “diamond” earrings from the trash. What a choice for those earrings: They can either be tossed amid the smells of rotting food and filth and misuse, or they can stay in the garbage.
11. “CHE COSA” MEANS …
RVP decide to head out to “Twice” while the girls do Dairy Queen Blizzard shots. Sammi feels bad, while Pauly and Vin are trying to bring Single Ronnie out of hypersleep. When Pauly is dancing with someone, he gets accosted by an Italian fellow with “Che cosa” repeated over and over. We think that means “What’s up” or “Get the fuck away from my girl” or “Have you seen K-PAX?” “You’re in the streets of Florence,” the man threatens. “You should check out our amazing museums and galleries” is what he may have said before a Moby look-alike convinces Pauly to step down.
12. FLOWERS FROM ANGERNRON
Instead of forcing himself onto someone at “Twice”, Ron makes the … mature? … decision to buy Sammi some cheap-shit flowers and take them home to her. This, of course, is from the Eighth Grade Make-Up Handbook. So, he gives Sammi the roses, and predictably, she asks if these are for another girl … hopefully not some hooker from Long Island. So, Ron takes the flowers and throws them in the garbage (the garbage can is this season’s clogged toilet) before a confused Sammi takes them out. That’s a lot of garbage retrieval for one episode.
TO SUM UP:
MTV airlifted these douches out of Irene-ravaged NYC to the VMAs. At least they could have left Ronnie behind. It was a decent episode, highlighted by Mike’s wall-butt and downgraded by Ron’s continuing abuse of Sammi.