This Ain’t Two and a Half Men XXX is the first porn parody I’ve watched of a show that actually invites a porn parody, which helps to explain why, for the first time, the entire film is based on one specific episode (Season 3, Episode 20 “Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro”).
In this episode, according to Wikipedia, “Alan tries to win Kandi back, while Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi (Gail O’Grady), and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy (Kevin Sorbo).” As far as I can tell, the only difference between the actual episode and the porn parody is that in the porn we see these people’s genitals. Oh, and Kandi’s father definitely does not look like Kevin Sorbo.
This Ain’t Two and a Half Men XXX proposed an interesting paradox for me. Despite the fact that it’s produced by Hustler (nothing but the finest porn parodies since never), it stars my preferred cast of porn actors Madison Ivy (previously Cheryl in Curb), Evan Stone (previously McBain in The Simpsons) and James Deen (currently my soulmate). As a result, this film came off as decidedly average.
The film begins, in true Hustler style, with an egregious missed opportunity — no title card. Even I know that every episode of Two and a Half Men begins with a randomly selected quote from that episode. The possibilities here were endless! “Pound my pussy,” “I love how your big meat sausage goes in me,” and of course, “I taste like me! I taste like Kandi!”
Instead, we start in Charlie’s house, where “Alan” (James Deen) is threatening to kill himself because his girlfriend “Kandi” got mad at him and moved in with his ex-wife, “Judith.” “Charlie” (an AMAZING impression from Evan Stone, who up until this point I thought did not speak English) offers to help — he’ll have Kandi’s mom “Mandi” (who surprise, he’s fucking!) talk to her.
And now, onto the very recently aforementioned fucking! Charlie and Mandi (Madison Ivy) retire to Charlie’s bedroom for a surprisingly inspired, animalistic sex scene. I honestly didn’t think Evan Stone had it in him. I would question Madison Ivy’s apparent choice to eat a green lollipop immediately before the scene, but hey, it’s not my giant penis having a lizard tongue wrapped around it.
Now, here’s a fun recommendation for all you porn parody watchers out there (Steve). When Evan Stone starts talking about coming, just skip on forward. That’s right, just pop on over to the next chapter. Because what you’ll miss (NSFanyone) is Evan Stone coming inside Madison Ivy and Madison Ivy pushin’ out the man milk so hard she queefs (yup). So yeah. Just in case you didn’t feel like questioning your life today.
From here we cut to Judith’s, where Judith consoles Kandi (played by an intolerably baby-voiced Jenna Presley) by offering her a vibrator, which Kandi mistakes for a back massager (a joke which is met by an aggressive absence of previously over-used laugh track).
Kandi’s dad “Andy” arrives (Eric John, who apparently was not doing a Kramer impression so much as just talks like him) to take Judith on a date, leaving Kandi to experiment with her new back massager. The baby talk continues, and (even better!) starts being directed at the vibrator as if the vibrator were a person. You know it’s not a good sex scene when you start worrying that the porn star is embarrassing herself.
Next we cut back to Charlie’s apartment, where Charlie is shocked into an excellent spit-take by the appearance of “Rose” (Brooke Lee Adams, who looks surprisingly like Melanie Lynskey, the real Rose) and her new girlfriend “Kelly” (never a character). Rose tells Charlie that through hypnosis she implanted a trigger to make him more amorous (or something) and then claps twice and suddenly they’re in a threesome. That’s how the brain works!
This 3-way isn’t bad, although if you are a human with a ball sac and aren’t into the idea of your ball sac being stretched out by teeth, I might skip this one.
We then move back to Judith’s house, where Alan arrives to apologize, Kandi immediately forgives him, and they move upstairs to fuck and make up. Based on my deep desire to enjoy all James Deen scenes and the fact that baby-talk is my libido’s kryptonite, I muted this scene. It was an excellent choice. At one point I turned the volume on just to check and heard Jenna Presley claim, for the 80th time, that her “pussy tastes like Kandi”. Just…shhh. And next time you go spray tanning make sure to spread your butt cheeks because ass canyon is straight up white.
Hey, sidenote, does anyone else take issue with the fact that porn stars call their vaginas “tight” all the time? I mean, I know it’s a line for the guys and all, but it’s like, no. They’re not. You have sex twice a day. UNFUCKED vaginas are tight. YOU’VE had a 10 inch dong in your b-hole. Stop lying to my face!
Anyway, downstairs, Judith and Andy return from their date and start going at it on the couch. I think I’ve decided that Eric John doesn’t bring much to the table. Judith (Dylan Ryder, awesome porn name) does most of the work in this scene. I’ve also decided that the true sign of a trashy porn is whether or not the actresses leave their necklaces on during the scenes. Needless to say, there were a lot of necklaces in this porn.
Back at Charlie’s apartment, Alan thanks Charlie for getting him back together with Kandi and everything is great. Oh, and there’s a quick cameo from “Jake,” the half man, who makes a sexual comment and then says he’s allowed because he’s 18. Which is clearly just for legal purposes, considering Angus T. Jones is CURRENTLY only 17, which means in season 3 he was 12. Why even include him, I have no idea.
All in all, This Ain’t Two and a Half Men XXX was just…average. And considering I’ve only seen one episode, I didn’t laugh, and I wouldn’t recommend it, you can make this a review for the actual show as well.
Sarah Schneider has written for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).
