It’s a miracle! I finally found a Hustler porn parody that I liked! And not just liked, but fully enjoyed! I laughed, I got turned on…I guess that was it, but hey, that’s a home run right there. I feel like a proud mother whose baby is finally walking, except instead of a baby it’s Hustler and instead of walking it’s making a great porn parody.
This Ain’t Ghostbusters XXX begins with an impressive, almost shot-for-shot remake of the opening library scene of Ghostbusters, from the establishing shot of the lion statue to the card catalog snowstorm to the hair-blowing ghost encounter. The only difference is instead of Ray Finkle’s mom screaming, we get Ron Jeremy. Off to an unironically great start.
From there we move right to Peter Venkman’s finger-zapping ESP experiment, and I’m sure those familiar with the actual film can see exactly where this scene goes: Venkman’s flirtation with the blonde subject in the original is turned into a full-blown sex scene in the porn parody. As it should be! This scene is fucking great, although towards the end I’m a little worried that Evan Stone (Venkman, previously McBain, Soup Nazi) is going to have a heart attack. Luckily, he doesn’t, because that would be a very weird thing to keep in the film.
Venkman finishes just as Stantz (Alec Knight) busts in with the news that a “free-forming full-frontal nude apparition” has been spotted in the New York Public Library and is “blowing every guy in the place.” Awesome. Venkman and Stantz, along with Spengler (an adorably bespectacled James Deen) head to the library to check it out.
Once in the library, Spengler’s “XXX meter” is off the charts, and the guys come upon a topless ghost. The porn parody dialogue is great.
Spengler: It’s a woman.
Venkman: That’s good, Egon. Did the perfect breasts give that away? Ray, go talk to her.
Stantz: What do I do?
(Spengler and Venkman exchange a look)
Spengler/Venkman: Fuck her!
And so, he does. Stantz fucks the library ghost. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? At this point I started to get a little worried that this film was going to be a hundred hours long, since so far every single scene in the original had been not only included, but turned into a 20 minute sex scene. That’s commitment.
Next up we meet Dana and Louis (a valiant Rick Moranis impression by Jeremy Conway) in their apartment building, where (as expected) Louis’ creep factor has been upped by a factor of ten (he broke into her apartment and stole her panties). I really hope I don’t have to watch him have sex later.
Dana goes to put her groceries away, and instead of her eggs exploding, a bunch of hot dogs start flinging themselves at her torpedo-style. I was really hoping that they would bad CGI a hot dog flinging itself into her vagina, but alas. Dana freaks out, looks in the fridge, sees some weird computer graphic recreations of the original fridge scene, and gets the hell out of there. This parody is not skimping on the plot, that’s for sure.
Dana arrives at the already-established Ghostbusters office (alright, so maybe they’re skimping a little), where Spengler is giving Jeanine head under the table. Remember that joke from the original movie? When after Venkman takes Dana to his office Spengler comes up from under Jeanine’s desk and she calls him handy? Well that subtle little sexual joke is now a very explicit sexual joke. Oh, and “handy” is used in a slightly different context.
Next up, Jeanine fields the phone call from the hotel (“WE GOT ONE!”), which cues a hilarious parody of the getting ready montage, complete with flexing butt muscles and a license plate that reads “ERECTO-I” instead of “ECTO-1”. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
The guys arrive at the hotel, which for some reason is shot entirely on a green-screen? But that’s not what’s important, what’s important is that Slimer is there, and he has a huge ghost boner, and when he’s floating above them in the ballroom scene he starts masturbating. So what I’m saying is, someone at Hustler got my letters. The Ghostbusters capture Slimer, and just when I thought they forgot to make a ‘crossing the streams’ joke, we get this groaner:
Venkman: Egon, you’re always saying don’t cross the streams. [Ed. Note: he has yet to say this.] Why?
Spengler: Fear of public urination, I guess.
Boooooo, and not in the ghost way. I’ll let it slide, but only because of the butt muscle montage.
From there, Venkman heads over to Dana’s apartment with flowers (nice attention to detail!) and instead finds Zuul. At this point Hustler is pretty much banking on the fact that you know the plot of Ghostbusters, since the whole Zuul/Gozer/Vinz is never even vaguely explained. Fine with me, I just watched it literally right before this!
So obviously Venkman and Dana/Zuul get it on. Hustler sees the original movie’s “Do you want this body?” and raises it a “I want you to fuck me now”, all in pitch-shifted Zuul voice. I was kind of hoping Dana would have the Zuul voice throughout the whole sex scene, but unfortunately (fortunately) she doesn’t. I was also hoping they would fuck in mid-air. Like, Venkman would just kinda hoist himself up onto a levitating Dana and start pumping. Not because it would be particularly hot, but because I want to see what that would look like.
After Venkman boinks a possessed demon-girl with no seemingly qualms, he calls HQ to check in and Spengler informs him that the police have dropped off an equally possessed Louis (also not explained at all). Jeanine then delivers what is probably the weirdest come-on in any porn I’ve ever watched.
Jeanine: (to Spengler) On your knees. Momma wants some slob ejaculate on her coochie supplicant.
I’m sorry, what? Am I having a stroke or is this woman talking in complete gibberish? I think they were trying to make her sound scientific or something, but YIKES.
Regardless, Spengler obliges. Nice, a James Deen scene with a hot chick. This ought to be…what the hell? Is that…Rick Moranis? And is he…wearing the weird science colander hat from the movie? Goddammit! Get out of my James Deen scene, Rick Moranis! You’re ruining it! And why are you wearing that hat?! Uggggggggh. This scene should have been great, and it was only good. Rick Moranis just kind of lingers the whole time, being all third-wheely. Why they added him to this scene, I have no idea. A Spengler/Jeanine scene makes sense, those two had a thing in the movie! A Spengler/Jeanine/LOUIS scene makes no sense. Sigh.
From here we cut to the rooftop scene, where Dana and Louis turn into those weird dog things and summon Dozer, which is (of course) a hot naked chick. Some of the visual effects in this film, by the way, are legitimately better than the ones in the original. Granted the original was filmed almost 30 years ago, but still. And then comes the funniest, most self-aware moment of the whole film.
Stantz: It’s Gozer!
Zeddemore: The Gozerian!
(long beat, everyone turns to Zeddemore, appearing for the first time)
Spengler: Who the fuck are you?
Zeddemore: (shrugs) Ernie Hudson.
So great. I laughed out loud for a solid minute at that one. It was like watching my baby break into a full sprint. Gozer then addresses the Ghostbusters with an exchange of dialogue that I consider the very pinnacle of porn parody.
Gozer: (to Stantz) Do you have a 13 inch cock?
Stantz: No.
Gozer: Then DIE!
(Gozer electrocutes them)
Venkman: Ray, when someone asks if you have a 13 inch cock, you say yes.
Stantz: It’s not like any of us has a 13 inch cock. I mean, it’s not like we’re…
(everyone turns to Zeddemore again)
Zeddemore: Shit.
It just doesn’t get much better than that. Lines lifted directly from the movie and given a sexual twist. This is the stuff I live for, people. And that’s really pathetic so I’m not going to say that ever again.
Gozer tells the boys to choose the form (in the parody, that apparently means the form that Zeddemore will have to fuck), so they try to clear their minds, but of course Stantz thinks of the most harmless thing he can think of…his mom. A giant, buildings-high version of his mom appears, then shrinks down to normal size, and then Zeddemore fucks her. We’re a bit off-story at this point, but hey, we have to end somewhere. And that “somewhere” is Stantz’s mom exploding with what I think is supposed to be cum but is clearly dishwashing detergent, and Zeddemore screaming “I love this town!” And that’s the end.
I mean come on, how great does that movie sound? So many scenes and lines directly parodied, so many subtle sexual exchanges transformed into the full-blown sex scenes they should be, so many dead-on sets and details. This was the first porn parody of a movie I watched, and I liked that there’s only one story to pull from, a finite amount of information to use. It makes it much more satisfying to recognize specific scenes and lines. My one disappointment is that the line “this man has no dick” didn’t make it into the film. Oh and also that no one put a twinkie in their vagina while shouting unironically “THAT’S A BIG TWINKIE!” I guess those letters got lost in the mail.
Sarah Schneider writes for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).
