You’ve never done an open mic before. Instead you did Fez. You did Luna Lounge. You did the old Largo. You did Eating It. You did Invite Them Up. You did Tinkle. You did Rififi. You did Comedy Death Ray. You did Big Terrific. You did Meltdown Comics before it was mainstream. Now you do your own secret show in the back supply closet of a bankrupt old record store that only sells really cool records.
You referenced Das Racist in one of your jokes and got lots of nods and smirks of audience recognition. You have forced audiences to invent new ways to physically express cool cred so they can appropriately react to your references.
You have public conversations on Twitter with other cool alt comics and celebs with indie cred.
You’ve been blown away by a live Bill Cosby show probably like one thousand times. You watch old Richard Pryor standup specials every night.
You studied at UCB with Amy Poehler and Matt Besser and Ian Roberts and Matt Walsh. You shot heroin between your toes with Del Close one time swear to god.
You played the comedy tent Bonnaroo and did a surprise show at Coachella and co-headlined Sasquatch and tried to start a LOL-Lounge at Lollapalooza.
You opened for Patton Oswalt on a mini-tour one time and bonded over comic books and what a total geek you are, too.
You never found Gallagher funny.
You were best friends with Zach Galifianakis before he got famous, but still go hang out on his farm from time to time.
You have been on Marc Maron’s podcast twice, and both times he emotionally apologized for being an asshole to you earlier in your career.
You have your own podcast for each day of the week and you’ve been a guest on all the other relevant comedy podcasts (on Doug Loves Movies, you once won the Leonard Maltin Game by correctly guessing a film with negative-nine names).
You have custom poster art made for each time you perform then sell framed copies of the posters at your merch table.
You know where all the best cheap food is in every city in America. You’ve eaten the greatest secret tacos and had these enchilada-sushi things in Austin that were, like, crazy.
You were the first member of A Special Thing.
Your favorite show is Mr. Show, but you were also inspired by Monty Python and The State and Arrested Development and The (British) Office.
You had a split-second cameo in the new Jay-Z video cause you hang out together sometimes, which is weird, but it’s no big deal.
You hang out with mainstream celebrities all the time, but only because your fans will think it’s “funny”.
You’re an eternal Chosen One on Funny Or Die. Will Ferrell and Adam McKay personally press “Funny” on every video you upload.
You had an uncredited role as one of the campers in Wet Hot American Summer and that’s how you realized you wanted to do comedy.
But also you knew you wanted to do comedy since you were a toddler, because it’s what you were born to do, and your parents still like to tell everyone your first word was “hahahahahahaha”.
You once had sex with an entire UCB 101 class.
You once had two lines in a Judd Apatow movie.
You fucking hate Carlos Mencia.
You fucking hate Dane Cook, even though he sorta seemed pretty okay on Maron and that recent episode of Louie.
You could totally see yourself being the next Louis CK if only you were given the right opportunities and resources.
The Sulk and Rob Delaney give you a #FollowFriday every Thursday, because they can’t wait until Fridays.
Your Internet videos are even more like Tim & Eric than Tim & Eric’s videos.
Your joke Tumblr got a million likes and reblogs and might get turned into a three picture deal with Adult Swim.
When you’re not being the coolest at comedy you’re also a DJ. In secret VIP lounges and Turntable.fm rooms you play unreleased LCD Soundsystem/Odd Future mash-up tracks that James Murphy himself gave to you one time when he was drunk.
Your comedy could be described as post-modern, post-Chappelle, post-jokes, and mostly just very cool.
Your comedy is so cool that no one even laughs at it. You are too cool for laughs. But the audiences “get you” and they “get your references” because they all “get it”.
And even though I just referenced all your references, it still feels like your comedy is so much cooler than mine.
Alex Blagg is a writer and comedian and fake Internet guru who has never done anything cool or important. Follow him on Twitter anyway.