This was a very busy week. While we were busy watching the Emmys and trying to get used to the new look of Facebook, Snooki was busy trying on several ball gowns of her own and working on refreshing the feed to her Anusbook as she eagerly awaits her boyfriend Jionni’s arrival in Italy. Will they or won’t they rekindle their love and see the sights and sounds of Italy arm in arm? But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is Snooki with her cuca kooka out! We couldn’t help but notice the spirited debate over the spelling of cuca last week. For the record, it was spelled that way on our closed captioning. Who cares, spell it any way you want it, looks like we will be seeing enough of it this season to spell it every which way but loose. Grab your dictionary and a thesaurus as we whisk away to the filthy dozen.
1. Free Snooki!
What do you get when Team Meatball is allowed to cruise the streets of Italy in the Fiat? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind … or in Snooki’s case, an Italian breathalyzer. After rear-ending the cop, orange Thelma and Louise cannot produce the necessary documents and a tearful Snooki is taken away to Italian prison. Snook is so embarrassed (clearly she hasn’t seen the rest of this episode when she slowly flashes her cuca to everyone). The boys arrive too late and the car is being impounded. “Bye, Fiat!” ( Fiat executives could be heard breathing a sigh of relief across the nation.) After “molta paperwork” and lots of fines, the girls are free to go back about their business. Team Meatball Out! Deana says, “Now it’s like, I need a cocktail.” We all do after that fiatsco. Snooki says, “I went to jail, again.” Get your T-shirts ready, we’ve got a new catchphrase.
2. Roger Can’t Come
Snooki calls Jionni, who breaks the sad news that Roger is not coming to Italy. He can’t get off work (what does he do again and why are we googling “Roger Matthews Occupation” at 3 a.m. when our kid needs to be up for school in a few hours)? Apparently, he is a bodybuilder who works crazy hours and cannot be interrupted by international travel. JWOWW instantly wants to throw up (looks like she has been doing a lot of that). She is genuinely upset and you can tell by her dragon eyelashes and clumpy mascara and handmade flower bonnet trucker cap. When will these hats be made available for the fans? Sad Jenny is so sad … she says, “I just had so much planned” … like what? Grinding and chafing and outdoor peeing?
3. Space Electronic
Snooki stays home after her encounter with the polizia. “I’ll see you hookers later!”
M.V.P. Plus Ronnie = Mr. V.P. and the gang head out to Space Electronic. We hope they brought their coupons, because Space Electronic sounds like a great place to buy affordable off-brand power adapters that fit nothing, brown extension cords, Texas Instruments answering machines, and cassette recorders with large red buttons that you have to press record and play at the same time to use. Space Electronic has high ratio of hot-dog buns to hot dogs. It also appears to have a high ratio of genital warts to genitals! Twelve to every ten!
4. What’s Behind Whore Door No. 3?
Doorbell rings unexpectedly and Snooki weighs her options. It’s Mike’s special friend Brittany, fresh as a daisy, stopping by to see if Mike will squire her about town. She’s also hammered and half-dressed, ready to tumble out of her jean skirt. Snooki decides wisely to let her in, because she is alone and bored. Showing her good roommate etiquette, Snooki takes the gal to the confessional and mocks her behind her back. She escorts her wildebeast guest to Mike’s bed to await his return from the club. It’s the ultimate prank (no, the ultimate prank would be to feed her garbage and Kal Kan stew and pupperonis, like Mike did to JWOWW’s dogs). Snooki is so excited about her prank that she declares she is going to poop her pants! If only she wore pants.
5. Snooki’s Prank Backfires. Consolation Prize = Anus Spray!
After a Jamster commercial break, Deana gets the door with a “Yo, who goes here?”
We hope this phrase takes off like the new Carlton Your Doorman! Lo and behold, Mike arrives with some new Aussie megahold chick from the club only to find the demure Brittany in his bed seductively writhing out of her top. According to Mike’s math, Brittany is DTF and Aussie chick is not, so he decides to stick with the skanky bun already in the easy-bang oven. Meanwhile, JWOWW helps prepare Snooki for Jionni’s arrival from the airport. She announces to Snook, “Spread your legs, I’m going in” and proceeds to crop dust Snooki’s anus with either Febreze, taint pesticides, or spray tan. After an awesome montage of Snooki’s outfits (sexy cop, sexy meatball, sexy weeble wobble), we see her nervously awaiting Jionni’s arrival.
6. Jionni Arrives
Pauly and Vin provide comic relief as usual by pretending to be Snook and Jionni.
Snooki announces “Jionni’s like Crocadilly, but alive.” Let’s check back on this theory AFTER Jionni spends his Weekend at Italian Bernie’s. Snooki is so horny she immediately prepares the smush room, running with all the leopard pillows she can get her hands on, hosing everything down with industrial strength Renuzit, and “making sure we don’t get diseases” (um, too late … Does Lysol make a morning-after scent of regret?). Snooks needs to get it in and, as most woman will tell you, he is extra irresistible because his wiener is tan!! Has anyone ever rejected a tan wiener?
7. Mike Going Crazy While Snooki Plans Her Scheduled C-section
Dastardly Mike schemes in the background — implying that Jionni might know about his snook-up. He practices his new thing — karate. Look out, cinder blocks! There’s a new dumb foot in town. Vin shaves his eyebrows, so you know it’s gonna be a good night, Snooki squishes into her best fluorescent cheetah dress from the Pebbles and Bam Bam collection that “doesn’t come below her cuca at all.” Side note: we recently looked at apartments in the hip new neighborhood of BeCuCa, but decided the schools below her cuca were not up to par.
The gang heads to Manduca, and Snooki is beyond happy to be reunited with her fella.
Mike talks incessantly about his imaginary beef with Jionni. Speaking of imaginary beef, when Snooki declares with carefree abandon, “We’re in Italy, babe!” Jionni sweetly yells back at her, “Your balls are out.”
JWOWW reminds us that Mike never fought Ron, he hit himself, and says she can’t wait until he does one of karate kicks and slips on a banana peel. Comedy gold!
Snooki can’t wait to make babies with Jionni! She’s gonna pop those suckers out and they are going to be so cute and tan. Like most woman, Snooki carefully weighs her imaginary birth plan options — she decides on a C-section “‘cause I don’t want it to fuck up my vagina.” Finally, she speaks the truth.
8. Snooki’s Beaver
Worried about Mr. Miyagi Mike and his Jionni paranoia, the crew heads to club Twentyone. Pauly tells Mike to “Knock yourself out.” We love Pauly! Snooki begins an erotic exotic slow dance solo, and next thing you know it’s a blurred-out cuca dance! I think we saw this movie — The Lion Queef. Hakuna Macuca. Jionni is pissed that his delicate flower is showing her petals for all of Italy to see. He accurately shouts, “You’re dancing like a whore,” which would be a very entertaining reality show. Get Nancy Grace on the horn! Jionni runs out into the streets of Italy as the girls chase him and fall around in various configurations.
9. Tube Tops, Tripping, and the Situation
Snooki gets mad at a parked taxi (who wouldn’t!) while Ron chases Jionni explaining to him that he knew what he was getting himself into when he hitched his wagon train to Rawhide Snooks. Jionni is understandably upset that his gal had her “whole chach hanging out dancing” (but we thought Joanie LOVES Chach!). JWOWW, the voice of reason again, counsels Jionni while shouting and holding onto her boobs and heels in the beautiful streets of Italy. “At least I got to say I walked through Florence barefoot” (is that a thing people long to say?). Snooki is inconsolable and naturally has to “pee really bad.” Mike asks what happened and Pauly nails it when he says, “Who cares!” Vin consoles Snooki while Jionni sits in the street with his boots off. A day of airline travel and a flash of your gal’s beaver in public can be exhausting.
10. They Break Up
JWOWW returns home with bloody feet and no Jionni. She explains that Jionni is upset and not coming back, because Snooki “showed her vagina and boobs on the dance floor.” It’s so clinical and really gets to the heart of the matter. Snooki goes to bed with Crocadilly and a hot pink satin magician’s cape (from the Harry Whoredini collection).
11. Sam’s Revelation
The boys grill meat. No imaginary beef here, just some burnt wieners. What is Snooki’s theory on wieners that are past the point of tanning? Even Sam sees how ridiculous this Jionni fight is and sees them “like a movie of me and Ron” as she watches them argue in cinema verite (skankite) style. Grab some popcorn, Sam, because this movie is endless. Jionni finally returns and Snooki is drunk and upset, slurring at him that she hates him and he is so mean. (Is she talking about that parked taxi again that pissed her off earlier?) They debate the finer points of her behavior at the club. Snooki flashes her vagina in bed again.
12. The Wangster Leaves
After a promo for I Used to Be Fat, we’re back. I used to be a lot of things before watching this season unfold. Snooki is crying as Jionni packs up. This is the second saddest breakup this week, since we heard about R.E.M. breaking up and saw Michael Stipe’s untanned wiener pictures. Mike refers to Jionni as a Wangster. Clearly he hasn’t found the right Chungster in Snooks. Snooki tries to uncover the mystery of why Jionni has left her. Nancy Drew and the Case of the Flashing Beaver, chapter one: Snooki: STOP showing everyone your vagina!!! We see a preview of Snooki and Vin hooking up under sweaty sheets, so we will rest easy knowing that the bridge on the river cuca is not closed for long.