Happy New Year! On this very special holiday episode of the Jersey Shore, the kids dip their apples in bronzer and toast to a Happy and Healthy New Year! This episode is filled with the romantic ups and downs of love, and certainly we plan to see someone blow the shofar
time to dash off to the incredibly dirty sticky dozen!
1. The Worst Day of Snooki’s Life
No, it’s not the day that Snooki finds out that spray tan is really Wesson oil mixed with orange poster paint. It’s the day she finds out that being a fun-loving dance floor snatch flasher has consequences. Ron opens the episode with his declaration that “Mornings Just Sucks.” This lesser-known Garfield catchphrase sets the tone for the episode. The entire house has a hangover, but instead of a slightly rumpled and exquisitely scruffy Bradley Cooper, we get Snooki in her fluorescent pink “Disco Zoo” napkin-ring-size dress with built-in bra (today we are seeing it in elegant open-back mode. This dress from Ronco slices and dices your back fat in a million different unflattering ways … and still folds to fit in your glove compartment. Collect them all)! Snooki calls Jionni repeatedly and seems genuinely surprised that he doesn’t answer her call. Meanwhile, we are expecting her to receive a call from Toni Basil saying “oh Snooki you are NOT so fine” because that outfit is tragic in any decade. She’s sporting an extra sad hair bow tipped to the side — even hair accessories are trying to run from this hot pink mess. If she can hot-glue gun a ribbon heap to her head, why can’t she mod-podge some undies to that peek-a-boo vagina of hers?
2. We Laughed, We Cried, It Was Better Than Cats
Ever wonder what it would be like if you left a magician’s assistant in the “gonna saw you in half trick” box, poured amaretto on her, and let her wake up in a pile of Cher’s dirty laundry? That’s how we see a depressed Snooki waking up this fine morning. She tries to wake a Jenni from her peaceful slumber because she needs moral support — but alas, Jenni ignores her because she is rightfully pissed off that Snooks screeched at her last night. C’mon, Snooks, let the girl sleep. Even Oprah gets to rest between changing people’s lives and those caterpillar eyelashes need time to metamorphose.
Snooki storms out in her amazing mukluk boots and breaks the front door along the way. We understand not being able to drive in a foreign country, but are the locks on the opposite side of the door, too? Why can’t this girl get out of her own house? Tiny orange hulk needs her Jionni antidote ASAP or she’s gonna hulk smash some more household objects. Look out, wacky hot water heater, you’re next!
She shouts romantically into the fresh Italian breeze: “Como se dice ‘where the fuck is my boyfriend’?” (From the Rosetta Stone: La Dolce Guido Edition).
Meanwhile, Ron, Deena, and Pauly trudge to work (“time to make the doughnuts style”). Even Pauly’s pizzeria charm (who doesn’t love getting yelled at while enjoying a slice?) is no match for Snooki’s doldrums. Deena is sweating dough balls. Life is simple at the pizzeria compared to the Snook meltdown at home base.
Snooki heads to Astor and recites a touching monologue about her lost love and how he could be here with her right now (drinking at 9 a.m. at an Italian Starbucks)? She looks like a jellicle cat at a rave in Manitoba … and yet our heart is breaking for this poor girl.
Snooki stumbles home declaring, “This is the worst day of my life I’m not kidding. Burp. Burp. Buuuurrp.”
3. Boulevard of Various Broken Dreams
Deena is ordered to clean the friggin’ bathroom at work, but she explains, “I don’t do bathrooms” (yeah, we could have told Marco that in advance). Sure, “these nails, these hands, they don’t clean toilets.” Other things these hand don’t do? Bathe? Type a Master’s thesis? Wave “no thanks” to random boners in her midst? Deena is not having it because “I don’t know what’s been in that toilet”. Really, genius? We’ll give you two guesses, and one is not Sonya Morgan’s BlackBerry.
Snooki calls her dad and explains how her true love Jionni left her. Her vague explanation gives new meaning to glossing things over. Her dad is pissed and hell hath no fury like a Papa Snooki scorned.
4. Who Cares! She’s Having a Sam Moment!
Snook decides that she needs to change herself, figuratively and we hope literally. She asks Jenni to please don’t hate her for being drunk and crazy. Jenny agrees because she was only being herself. JWOWW vows that she will help fix the relationship. They patch things up after a quick heart-to-heart-to-boob conversation. Snooki cops a silent feel of Saint Jenni’s ginormous helping hands. Orange Cagney and Lacey make their plans to track down Jionni. Snooki miraculously keeps two fabric-covered glazed cinnamon buns stuck to her head. This reverse Princess Leia look is definitely not the look. Snooki tries to fix her makeup and says “don’t look at me.” Sam replies with the new season motto: “Who cares”! We love how “being a Sam” has become the ultimate relationship insult — call Snooki a pint-size truck stop hooker, but just don’t call her a Sam.
5. Midnight Train to Jionni
Jenni calls Jionni and he fesses up that he is in fact still in Italy, en route to Rome via train. While Jenni (No. 1 best friend!) tearfully and begs Jionni to stay, we get distracted by a pile of bronzed thighs on the couch and an awkward Snooki-Deena koala hug. In the meantime, Jenni flashes her advanced lady degree from Beaver U. and negotiated a reunion. Has JMomm become the new Mrs. Garrett? Will we see more of her tootie today?
6. Rome If You Want To … Or If Your Mom ChangesYour Ticket for You
JWOWW and Snook power-walk to the train station, comparing their crusty glued eyelashes en route. They spot Jionni and he and Snooki have an epic romantic swooping hug, oh wait, no they don’t. Instead, Jionni wipes crust off of her face while Snooki grunts mono-syllabically. He’s drinking blue drink and they walk holding hands and discuss her skanktastic behavior.
Unfortunately, he has to go because his mom already changed his ticket home and he can’t stay. A distraught Snooki cries, “Nothing ever goes my way” and “I want to bury myself in a hole right now.” We know how you feel, Snooks. You could you use a good hiding hole after this, preferably one with some Ponds cold cream or other industrial-strength makeup remover. Jionni tells her to be good and that he loves her, but he must go. Snooki is broken-hearted and slumps over on the staircase with two dead high-fashion Ewoks on her feet.
7. Elvira, Mistress of the Dump
Finally, something fun happens! Pauly has Vinny (in his Barney the hunky purple dinosaur sweatpants) put the couch on Deena’s bed. This leads to a zany furniture pyramid and next thing you know, a nude Vin jumps out of the shower and humps Deena with his Love Her and Lever 2000 soapy muscles … speaking of ding-dongs, the couch falls on Deena and she is trapped underneath, Wizard of Oz–style. Pauly says this is the best day of my life, but we saw that video of him getting that Britney Spears lap dance, so he is clearly lying. Next in line for humpin’: JWOWW dry-humps Snooki in bed — and Snooki responds with “Don’t touch me cuz I’m bloated and I’m gonna fart on you.” Okay, maybe this is the best day.
They get ready for club and Snook asks, “Do I look like Elvira?” Do you have to ask, Captain Obvi?
Pauly pushes Snooki’s leather-covered butt cheeks and she falls … Cuca out! Beer in face. Okay, everything is finally back to normal. They hit the club and Snooki forgets her troubles by literally throwing and choking a nice Italian boy on the dance floor. You know, they say time heals all wounds, but clearly they forget to mention the healing powers of dance choking.
8. Ding Dong the Witch Is … Knocked Up?
Deena announces she is hot (um, that’s debatable) and also … drum roll … she confesses to JWOWW that she missed her period! We have to admit we think Deena babies will be a friggin’ adorable blast in a tiny glass, but now is not the time. One of the prerequisites of motherhood is de-scabbing your knees and clearly Deena is not ready to take this step. We’re not sure what babysitting services Karma offers and a clogged toilet is not an adequate childcare provider. She explains that every day she gets dizzy … yeah, we’re pretty sure that dizziness is because of her blood being half tequila/half Aquanet, not pregnancy.
A freaked out Deena stumbles barefoot with Jenni to the mysterious castle dungeon secret Italian pharmacy. We expect Shrek to answer the door, but instead they receive the pregnancy test and head home. Deena is worried that she is embarrassing her family (now she worries)? They sneak past Mike by telling him they “want to get a food.” Oy! Please do not let this girl be pregnant.
In honor of Deena Revere’s midnight boner ride — JWOWW reminds her that the test results are to be read as follows: One is no, two is yes (good advice for sex in general). Was the close-up of the wet pee stick really necessary? Was it dipped in honey in honor of the holiday?
Luckily, the results is no. Whoo! Yeah Time to celebrate with more indiscriminate sex with strangers!
9. Snooki Haz a Sad
Snook calls Jionni dressed in her fluorescent-green blouse and oversize zebra-striped hat. Jionni explains that he has to accept that his girlfriend “was dancing like a fuckin’ pig” in front of him. This truth makes Snooki feel depressed because he is not letting her be herself. Jionni responds with more truth: “What do you mean — you’re drunk, hooking up with girls, dancing in your underwear … how is that not you?” We have to admit, his argument is on point.
Ron advises that Jionni should not have let Snooki girl leave the house in her revealing outfit in the first place. While we agree that the outfit was revealing, it was the lifting of the dress that really is blame for this mess. JWOWW tells Snooki that she needs to find someone who accepts her in all her Snookiness.
We have to mention the awesome commercial for snap-on feathers for your hair. Sweet, finally the roach clip in hair. Vinnie Barbarino’s hotsie totsie girlfriend look is back!
10. Karma’s in the House!
How can you mend a broken heart? Fresh to death Jersey attire, grain alcohol, and re-creating club Karma in the privacy of your own villa, that’s how! Snooki decides to bring the instant karma indoors. She has superstar D.J. Pauly D set up his D.J. booth (bedazzled Macbook on a handcrafted Italian dining room table) and let the good times wriggle. The girls parade out in their finest animal-print tube dresses from the Whitney Houston “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” Video Collection. It’s a good time for sure and takes Snooki’s mind off of the breakup. Pauly and Vin do their shtick and we feel the warm sweater of vintage Jersey Shore envelop us. Vin dances, Deena falls. Everything feels right and we hope this magic lasts all night.
11. Creepier by the Dozen
Just as we are feeling the love of the old-school Jersey Shore vibe, we see Mike sitting in his chair leering at everyone in one of his ensembles, as usual “like the biggest creep ever.” And then we see creepy multiply itself times ten right before our very eyes. Snook seductively barks at Mike to help her out of her shoes and flashes her Cinderella cuca as Mike removes them. She tells Mike, “Don’t be a perv” and he holds her seductively, like a tree trunk he is about to pee on. We forget what happens next because we ran out of the room to shower and scrub our eyeballs. Mike professes his love for Snooks and tells her to break up with Jionni and let him take care of her. Snooki says, “Obvi I love you as a friend, Mike” and obvi we are going to barf now. Ever the shit-stirrer, Mike rats Ronnie out. He claims that Ronnie told him to kick Jionni in the head because he treated Princess Snooks poorly.
Snook confronts Ron. Come see the new softer side of Ron because it is magnificent. He sweetly explains what really happened and kisses and hugs her and reassures their friendship. We are speechless. Snook wants to go to bed until it’s time to leave Italy — and we are pretty sure sleeping with that crocadilly on her face will have the same Rumpelstiltskin, dipped-in-ether effect on her.
12. Head Over Heels Over Balls
JWOWW confronts Mike for being such a prick and explains that Snooks will always choose Jionni.
Mike’s response is valid — she gave him head! That trumps everything, right? JWOWW is mortified at how disgusting Mike is. Pauly D declares this his favorite time of year. This episode needs more Pauly D.
Suddenly, a drunk Snooki comes out looking like she is running to barf but really is running to grab some raw pizza dough slices. Snook stuffs pizza dough in her face to feel better but says what we are all feeling watching this right now: “Ew, this sucks balls.” But turn that frown upside down, because Snooks and Pauly have a “sexy two second squeeze in.” No, this is not new technology from the Tropicana orange juice factory. This is when Snook backs that ass up into Paul’s bed and spoons his juicer for a few seconds.
Always the good friend, Snooks the expert wingman jumps over to Vin’s bed so Deena can squeeze in with Pauly. What a gal! Not since Laverne and Shirley have we seen such expert sexy comedy timing. Snooks’s one request of Vin is “Could you cuddle without being a freak?” and he responds, “What does that mean, like get a boner?” Yes, that’s what it means. When you go to the polls in November, we urge you to please Vote No on Boner Cuddles.
Pauly kicks Deena out and we feel bad for Deena, but at least she gave it the old college try. What happens next is some really hot pillow talk that went a little something like this: Snooki asks Vin to make sweet love to her (“will you fuck me?”) and Vin asks the two most important questions — if she is drunk and if she is still with Jionni. At least we think this is what they said, but their mouths just look like cartoon goldfish talking underwater.
Pauly is the lucky winner of a ringside seat to Cirque du Sexlay and sees the blanket and Snooki’s head bopping up and down. Snooki wakes up, shoves her boobs back into her hooker candy striped outfit and we can tell that maybe, just maybe this little sweetpea is going to get over Jionni after all.