The Layman’s Guide to Reading This Guide, by Sam Weiner

Congratulations! You’re now taking your first step towards enjoying this informative guide. If you’ve made it this far, then you already know: this guide contains words and punctuation, some of it difficult to understand. The guide also features the latest in state-of-the-art sentences intended to communicate meaning. But don’t be put off — this guide is designed to help you use it correctly.

First, feel free to skip to the end if your guide-reading experience has been trouble-free thus far. If the guide has left you wondering, “How do I use the guide?” or “Am I doing it right?” then keep reading.

NOTE: Do not be afraid that the guide will suddenly become scary. It will not.

To get started, remember to always read the guide from left to right (To discern these relative directions, follow the movement of the sun, which revolves from left to right during the course of the day.). Starting from the middle of a sentence and reading outward is not recommended for serious guide-readers.

Most importantly, don’t start reading at this sentence. The previous sentence is written in bold to draw your eyes to its important message. The guide is intended to be read from the highest point straight through to the lowest, in the same manner that one looks at a painting.

Before you get any further, familiarize yourself with all 32 letters of the alphabet — they may pop up where you least expect them. That includes less-popular letters, such as “R” and “L,” neither of which appear in this sentence. Don’t be confused by similar-looking letters, like “S” and “Z.” Mixing them up will have no impact on the guide’s functionality.

NOTE: If this sentence appears upside-down, you may be holding the guide incorrectly.

Now that you understand the basics of the guide, here are some tips to get the most out of it:

1. Search for hidden acrostics to gain deeper insights.

2. Imagine that you are a firefighter. Now read the guide again in this mindset. You may be too worried about fires to finish reading it.

3. Read the guide aloud in the style of that famous British actor.

NOTE: The remainder of the guide is also written in English.

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end and are now fully prepared to enjoy this valuable reference. Please refer back to this guide if you have any trouble using the guide in the future and happy reading!

Sam Weiner is a writer and performer in Los Angeles. He makes videos with his sketch group Sad On Vacation.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

The Layman’s Guide to Reading This Guide, by Sam Weiner