2100 My Friend’s Address Ave
Wanted to Make it Look Like I Already Live Here So You’ll Hire Me, IL 60657
October 2, 2011
Company That Will Fund my Diet Coke and Netflix Habits
4350 This Sounds Like a Fancy Street, Suite 800
Ooh I Totally Wanna Tell My Friends I Work in a Suite, IL 60610
To Whom This Will Undoubtedly Amaze,
I just graduated from college like, five minutes ago, so I personally find it very impressive that I’ve figured out how to write a cover letter at all. Look at me go! I am obviously a fast learner who can type. Also I took three minutes to google your company and I’m really passionate about what I am 88% certain it is that you do.
As my resume details, I did A LOT of stuff in college, so if you’re looking for someone with ample unspecific experience, I’m your gal! I don’t usually call myself a gal, but if you’re male and older or into Mad Men, you may want to call me a gal, and I want to show you that I’m an adaptable creature who will only call you a misogynist when I complain about you to my mom on gchat.
I know how to use Microsoft Word because so does everyone else who’s ever written anything. I’m also experienced in punctuation manipulation and can magically turn 10 pages into 15 without writing anything new. I will reveal to you my secrets in exchange for a rolly chair and a desk next to a window so I can people watch, maintain a tan, and fantasize about being a bird. I remember some things about Power Point from middle school, like how to make the background look like tie-dye from the future, and how to make it seem like text is appearing on the screen via some magic, invisible, oppressively loud typewriter. Those are just two of my ideas for innovative and hard-hitting conference room presentations.
I don’t know how to use Excel, but I have a calculator on my phone, so I’m going to tell you I know how to use Excel. One of my senior year housemates was a film major, so I’m also going to tell you that I know how to use Final Cut Pro. The first boy I ever kissed with tongue when I was 13 is now a graphic designer, so I’m also going to tell you that I know how to use Adobe Photoshop. I’ve heard that Outlook is a thing, so I’m gonna throw that in for good measure and if I ever have to actually use it, I’ll just charm the Joseph Gordon Levitt of the office into doing my work for me because I’m resourceful. Also, I’m a young person with a Facebook, a Twitter, a Tumblr, a Youtube channel, a Myspace page, an embarrassing now-defunct Xanga, and a really embarrassing not so defunct OkCupid account, so I understand Social Media in a way you never will because you’re old and have old people hobbies that don’t involve being self-obsessed on the Internet.
Most importantly, I am the best candidate for this position because I was still awake and on Craigslist when you posted it at 6am and I called shotgun. Also if you subtract all the videos of sleepy animals I watched between paragraphs, it really only took me about 12 minutes to write this, so obviously I will handle my workload quickly and efficiently.
My resume is attached. It took me forever to find a font that would fit all my dance training and summer camp jobs onto one page, so find a quiet place, take your time, and read all of it. SSR.
Thank you for your consideration, and please let me know how many of the mugs I use as wine glasses you’d like me to donate to the office kitchen!
Andi Sharavsky is a writer, performer, and director living in Chicago. Her work has been published in the Chicago Tribune. Check her out on Youtube, Twitter, Tumblr, or catch her in a sketch comedy show around town.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.