This week on Modern Family, Phil takes Haley to visit his old college campus, the home of the fighting Bullfrogs! Or Bulldogs. (Their warrior cry is a ribbit-slash-bark.) Surprisingly, Haley turns down a college party invitation to stay on Phil’s Phantastic Campus Tour (not the official name, but it’s gotta be what he’s calling it in his head, right?). I guess she really is ready for college now, cause that’s a far cry from what she would’ve done in Season 1. Character development!
It’s also surprisingly cool that Phil lets her go to the party anyway. Man, it’s weird when people on sitcoms act like real well-adjusted, sensitive people. Kinda makes you realize how unrealistic and stilted most sitcom plots are…okay, rein it in. We’re not going down that rabbit hole today!
We quickly return to Sitcom Land when Phil freaks out that Haley’s at a frat house, chases her down and embarrasses her. Then they have a heart-to-heart about how he wants to protect her but realizes that she’s growing up, and they bond with a goofy activity from Phil’s college days. Yeah, alright. That’s the kind of sitcom plotline we’re comfortable with.
With Haley gone and Luke and Alex at sleepovers, Claire whips out the ol’ leather jacket and looks to Mitchell and Cam to help her have a wild night out. Because as we know, all gay people spend all their time partying. Cruelly ripping them away from their domestic routine of pot-pie-punch-cards, she then ditches them to hang out with a guy she thinks is gay but is really straight. Oh my gosh, hijinks must be coming right about…now! It all comes out (PUN INTENDED) in front of the other moms at the sleepover, Claire’s embarrassed, hurray hurrah hurroo.
In a kind-of-unnecessary-feeling spinoff plotline, Mitch and Cam are given the wrong car leaving the party and get whacked at by the car’s owner with a bat or some other blunt object. The purpose of this plotline is ostensibly that the Jay-Z concert tickets and Cancun luggage tags in the other folks’ car make them realize that they need to live life more fully. But honestly, didn’t Cam and Mitch sort of know that already? I get the sense that they’ve kind of made peace with their microwaveable pot pie existence. And who wouldn’t? That pot pie sounds delicious. Pot pie.
Finally, in a touching attempt to impress the lady of the week at his school (seriously, there must be like a never-ending supply of 13-year-old babes in Manny’s class), Manny buys a weighted helmet to get taller. Not knowing what’s in the secret box Manny’s hiding, Jay’s pet theory is that Manny has ordered illicit materials. It’s pretty cute how much Gloria wants to help her son masturbate (“What if he has questions? What is he doesn’t know what to do?”), but sadly it never comes to that.
And now, let us deliver a verdict on Gloria’s most hilariously-pronounced word of the week. Instead of puberty, she says…drumroll please…pooberty. Have a great week.