Tabernacle Lake Community Church Welcomes Your Teen, by Sam Weiner

At Tabernacle Lake Community Church, we know how hard it can be to pry your teens away from their skateboards and ear-piercing kiosks. Find your son or daughter on the list below to discover the Christ-centered activities that will make your teen a prayerful presence at Tabernacle Lake!

The Skateboarder

If your teen is a longhaired rebel, don’t be embarrassed–Jesus was, too! Emphasize the “phat,” “chain-wallet,” or “dope,” aspects of Tabernacle Lake, such as the “gnarly” sculpture of a bloody, wounded man in the lobby and the free admittance to the “raddest” half-pipe of all: Heaven, which is the name of our Christians-only, on-site skatepark!

The Young Scholar

Is your teen a science wiz? Let’s hope not, because the church looks down on both science and wizards. Give your mini-Doogie Howser the only textbook that has all the answers: The Bible, now available at our Church Outreach Boutique in convenient Japanese manga format.

The Music Lover

Turn your teen towards rock ’n’ roll that “rocks for Christ” and “rolls towards getting saved” by giving them a free CD of our house band, The High Praisers. This outrageous group of Christian musicians hosts a free music jam every Saturday night where teens can grab an instrument and rock out to Christian rock favorites from groups like Mother Mary, Enscripture, and The Jesus Beatles.

The Girl

Is your female girl a troublemaker? A demure valedictorian? A tomboy? Don’t worry, because all teen-women want the same thing — love. Your young woman will be thrilled to learn that there’s one boy she’s allowed to have a crush on: Jesus!

And Dads, if you want to give your teen daughter “the talk,” but would prefer to do so in a conference room filled with other adult men and their daughters doing the same thing, check out Tabernacle Lake’s Teen Talk Tuesdays! Sip sparkling apple juice as our Teen Puberty Advisor, Nurse Nancy Rodgers, explains to your daughter how to wear a tampon.

The Over-Eater

We have a food court!

The Gamer

Not only does Tabernacle Lake’s Nitro Lounge feature nine Xbox 360 systems with optional Kinect® motion-gaming add-ons, we also offer exclusive access to a next-gen, ultra-high-def entertainment experience: Heaven, which aside from being the name our Christians-only, on-site skatepark, is also where Christians go after they die. It’s the ultimate way to level up!

The Free Thinker

Is your once-devout teen experimenting with far-out Eastern religions like Judaism? They’ll love our Multi-Spiritual Prayer Dinners! Every other Wednesday night, Tabernacle Lake hosts a kids-only pizza buffet where your teen can try out prayers from all of the world’s religions, followed by the correct version of those same prayers.

When it comes to raising teens, the staff at Tabernacle Lake have “been there” (raising teens) and “done that” (raised teens), so we know that it’s a lot easier with Christ on your side! Join us today and get a free Family Foursome from Fro-Yum, our Christians-only, on-site yogurt shop, when your teen gets saved!

Sam Weiner is a writer and performer in Los Angeles. He makes videos with his sketch group Sad On Vacation and sometimes he Twitters.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Tabernacle Lake Community Church Welcomes Your Teen, […]