Despite his recent trip to Italy, which faces real problems, Princth Louis was still twitchy upon his return to the Upper East Side over the goings-on among New York City’s leisure class. He’d barely put down his conciliatory gift to Blair and finished claiming to be a better man before declaring, in the grand tradition of overly possessive ex-boyfriends, his belief that her friends were not looking out for her besth interesths. Au contraire, mon frere. Last night, the scheming and plotting was left to the outsiders as many of the characters bestowed kindnesses on one another: Serena orchestrated a Tiffany’s themed “shower” for Blair, and even roped her minions into containing the surprise. When Dan grew despondent over his outsider status, Chuck shared with him his wisdom, his pot, and even his hookers, proving that Lonely Boy is not so much of an outsider after all. Even tooth-baring cougaress Elizabeth Hurley showed a softer side: The Maude to Nate’s Harold, she sacrificed herself so that Nate might live on, unencumbered, in this case by a terrible secret that would blow his pure and honest mind. (She’s actually a man and having a gay affair with his grandfather? Just a guess.)
This was all very touching. But was it realistic? Only our World-Renowned Reality Index can be the judge.
More Real Than an Author Moping Excessively Over the Best-seller List
- “A mutt?” one of the mini-minions snipes at Chuck as he walks Monkey through the park. “No wonder Blair chose Louis over you.” This strikes us as excessively bitchy until we realize that one of them has a tiny hat stuck to her head, and therefore they must be hung-over on their way to the emergency room. No wonder they’re in such a foul mood. No points.
- But Plus 3 for this: “I should warn you. He’s trained to go after fake Prada.”
- Meanwhile, Nate’s grandfather is cranky because, he tells Elizabeth Hurley, “I woke up and saw a big picture of you in The New Yorker, with a picture of Nate in the corner.” Everyone knows it’s the pictures that count in The New Yorker! Plus 5, because he’s just the type of guy who would be pissed off without even bothering to read the thing first. And for that matter, he didn’t understand the cartoon on Page 34 at all!
- Elizabeth Hurley correctly assesses that the only thing that would drive traffic to the Spectator site at the level she wants is “pictures of Serena in bed with those Hunger Games boys.” Plus 3
- “Too bad we can’t hack into her phone,” she muses. Plus 2
- Dan is so blue that not even the usual things can cure him. “A trip to the IFC Center to catch a film no one has heard of?” Chuck suggests. “A trip to Shakespeare & Company to see who’s not buying your book?” No, only pot, room service, and a viewing of The Matrix alongside Chuck will suffice. Plus 4, because really that’s a good remedy for anything.
- It gets screwed up later, but the lie Chivey comes up with on the spot when Max appears in her living room is really pretty impressive: simple, believable, to the point. Bet she wishes she’d fed that one to Elizabeth Hurley. Plus 2
- “What is this, The Help?” Blair demands of her minions. “I will not tolerate this insubordination.” Plus 1, mostly because at the shower, they’re dressed kind of like the minions in The Help.
- Blair’s voice raises in perfect pitch as her panic escalates over the impending shower. “Casual? Jeans? Evite?” Plus 1
- “I called you here because I saw a new side of your grandson today,” Elizabeth Hurley tells William Archibald. “I was pretty sure you’ve seen every side of him by now,” he retorts. Plus 6
- Aw, Serena really must love Blair. Not only did she throw her a party themed exactly to her tastes and give a touching speech, she made a special effort not to overshadow her by showing up with matted hair, covered up her cleavage with a dress made of old curtains and a strand of pearls pulled from the chandelier, and tied an apron around her butt. Plus 5
- “I knew you couldn’t stay away,” Louis says to Chuck, and was it just us, or did a current of sexual tension pass between them? No points, just asking.
- We knew Liz Hurley was gearing up for a softer and more sensitive moment in this episode because she was wearing her hair loose and curly and had on a teal wrap dress instead of her usual cougar armor, but when it came, it was surprisingly sweet: “You really are a good honest man, aren’t you,” she says to Nate, going all sappy-eyed. “I didn’t think anyone like you existed anymore.” Plus 2
- Between the cockeyed smile she made at Serena’s joke, the “commando at communion” line, and the utter seriousness with which she asked, “Did somebody famous die?” we’re really starting to like the Dumb Blonde Minion. Plus 2
- “You’ve all said more slanderous things than John Galliano after a couple of cocktails.” Plus 1
- Nate got Eric’s ex-boyfriend Jonathan to hack into Gossip Girl! Plus 2 for acknowledgment of a former minor character!
- Max goes downtown to rifle through the box of Ivy’s things he’s brought and all of a sudden there are sirens and CSI-style music. Plus 1
- When Serena types her name into the site and realizes she’s sent “like 1,000 e-mails” to Gossip Girl. Later, Blair admits she’s sent twice as many. Guess some of the people who send stuff in know what they’re talking about after all. Plus 5
- “All right, I’m on it.” Nate says, before he heads to confront Liz Hurley over the Gossip Girl breach. Plus 1. If we lived in the world of Gossip Girl, a parallel universe we’re certain exists, we’d definitely start a Tumblr called “Nate Archibald Is ON IT.”
- Nate’s self-satisfied look when Elizabeth Hurley blankly and uncharacteristically confesses to him she published the Gossip Girl sources “in another desperate attempt to save my job” is priceless. “That’s right,” he seems to be thinking. “I, Man Bangs” now know the truth.” Plus 1
- Wait, we thought Chivey was an actress! So what was she doing stage managing the Oakland production of Alice in Wonderland? This chick really is a liar through and through. Plus 1
- “I told you to get some ass, not make one of yourself,” Chuck says to Dan. Plus 2. Even pissed off, he’s pithy.
- Max tells Chivey he wants to fix the relationship, she demurs, then two scenes later is asking out another blonde. Plus 4. Guys really do get over stuff faster.
Faker Than Nate Needing to “Approve the New Star Section”
- Why does Nate’s grandfather think Nate needs to be “remade,” anyway? He’s like 19 years old, he hasn’t even been made in the first place. Minus 5. And isn’t he supposed to be in college at Columbia? Minus 1.
- And, this hardly needs to be said, but the idea of him editing a newspaper, single-handedly or even with Liz Hurley’s help, is ridiculous. Nate’s only experience with paper is the rolling kind. Minus 10. I mean, we know the digital world is a little looser than traditional print media but still, this isn’t the nineties.
- There’s no way Chuck’s hookers would just plop down on the couch with their hair all wet and scraggly. Girls like that blow-dry immediately, if they get their hair wet at all. Minus 2.
- Max’s bedroom is huge, with exposed brick and a perfectly made bed. Where’s he staying on this spontaneous jaunt to New York City, the set of Friends? Minus 3
- People on Gossip Girl are used to unexpected visitors, but for a single white man with the strong jaw and dark eyes of a potential serial killer, Max is awfully good at getting past security. Last week he walked straight into the office of the editor-in-chief of the Spectator, and this week he cruises breezily into the home of a billionairess, into a private party, and most chillingly, Serena’s bedroom. “The doorman let me in,” he explains. Has anyone checked to see if those people were still at their posts? Minus 8
- Okay, first of all, New Yorker profiles only have one picture if any, they don’t sandwich in a photo of the subject’s boy-toy. So Minus 1 for that. And there’s no way Diana wouldn’t have known the magazine was writing about her. Those writers practically ask for stool samples. Minus 5
- Why isn’t Dorota at Blair’s shower??? Minus 5
- Why would Nate make a whole new webpage for “Gossip Girl Sources Revealed,” isn’t the point to give the Spectator traffic? Minus 3
- Why does no one on this show ever log out? Minus 3
- Louis is a pro at blogging software: No. Minus 1
- “Usually when a guy stands a girl up, he doesn’t show up at her house later.” “Unless he’s come to apologize.” “Why didn’t he just call?” “Because the girl deserves more than that.” WHY ARE THE GUY AND THE GIRL STILL TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON. Minus 5
- “Let’s get you home before someone sees me sitting here like this,” Chuck tells Dan. Too late, probably. Don’t you know that your every move is being captured by Gossip Girl? And that, furthermore, you are being filmed for a show called Gossip Girl? This is how the series should end, with a Truman Show–like reveal and all characters staring in shock at the camera. No points, just stark, cold reality.
Bonus Lurking Tally
1. Louis lurks behind Serena: “Is everything okay?”
2. Liz Hurley lurks behind Nate: “What won’t you show me?”
3. Nate lurks behind his grandfather and Liz Hurley: “Tell me what?”
4. Max lurks at Serena’s: “The doorman let me in.”
Total Lurks: 4, at one reality point each. Minus 4
This week’s episode comes in just on the unreality side, thanks to Nate’s grandfather’s inexplicable machinations and our newly conceived Lurking Tally. Will next week fare better? Or will we start taxing interborough travel at unrealistic rates? Check back to see!