As the worldwide fascination with Nick Offerman’s mustache rages, he finally responds. “Sadly, our country has become so emasculated that a national audience can be astonished by a man merely growing whiskers, as though I were growing diamonds on my face,” Offerman said in this interview. Well, diamonds would be okay, don’t get me wrong. I mean, they’re just carbon atoms pushed together really hard. But this guy is growing HAIR on his FACE. Like, not just on the top of his head! Above his lip! It’s like little toothbrush bristles are cleaning his mouth all the time! Like a tiny broom is sweeping his philtrum. A friendly hair caterpillar waving to the world. Hey, caterpillar.