Hit ‘em Hard Boys, by John Howell Harris

This is it, boys. The big one. We gotta get out there and hit ‘em hard, hit ‘em fast, and hit ‘em where it hurts — which is apparently where they live. And they live in Lancaster, Ohio, so hit ‘em there. Hit ‘em right in the ol’ Lancaster, Ohio.

We gotta hit ‘em with everything we got, boys, and especially with a pipe wrench, if we got that. We do? Good. Then hit ‘em with everything we got, but especially with the pipe wrench, and especially in the teeth.

And while you’re at it, hit ‘em right in the pocketbook, which I’ve heard is where it really counts. Provided that they carry pocketbooks, which is unlikely, because these guys are tough.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT underestimate these guys. Trust me, it’s not even worth your time. I bet they don’t even have what it takes to underestimate us, so why bother?

Now, one of you may have to take one for the team. Take one what, exactly, remains to be seen. It could be a bullet, or a vicious, crippling hit, or a particularly abusive and scathing insult about one’s weight. If that’s the case, then Logsdon, it will have to be you who takes one for the team. Because of how fat you are.

Sorry, Logsdon. That one doesn’t count.

Remember boys, this one’s for all the marbles, unless what- ever we’ll be doing in a few minutes doesn’t turn out to be a marble game, in which case this one may be for nothing at all. But if you want to take the chance of going home without even one marble, then be my guest.

Hell, maybe you feel like you already own enough marbles— like you don’t need any more. If that’s the case, you should just give up and go home right now. We don’t need that kind of bad attitude about marbles around here, goddamn it!

Now these guys may be faster and they may be stronger, but we’ve got something they don’t have: heart. And we have plenty of heart. Especially Logsdon, who has a grossly enlarged left ventricle because of his weight problem.

Just to clarify, when I say that they have no heart, I do not mean we are up against a terrifying horde of super-strong, super-fast netherworldly wraiths with no hearts. I also initially made that mistake, but it turns out that they are just people. Physically and mentally superior people.

What I meant by the whole heart comment is that we have more desire to win. Which actually may not be true now be- cause this whole speech seems to be making everyone kind of sleepy or distracted or something.

But we have God on our side, boys, so we can’t lose! I don’t know why God would choose to side with the bunch of whoring, drinking, SUV-driving, smelly low-lives such as are gathered here today, but trust me, He did, so just go with it, okay?

So get out there boys, and give ‘em something to write home about! Because making them spend 44 cents on postage will be an extra little insult on top of the embarrassing defeat they are about to suffer!

Now run after me down this big hallway and tell me if my new pants fit okay!

John Harris is a Senior Writer for The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, and a Staff Writer for The Onion News Network on IFC. On Thursday, December 8th, John will be releasing a brand new print-only ‘zine he edited entitled Pendulous Breasts Quarterly, in which the above story will appear. The publication features pieces by writers for The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Onion newspaper, The Onion News Network on IFC, 30 Rock, Vanity Fair and cartoonists whose work has appeared in The New Yorker. Tickets for the release party at Littlefield in Brooklyn — which will feature veteran stand-up comedian Todd Barry and Emmy-award winning chanteuse Kelli Scarr, among others — are available here, and each ticket includes an 88-page bound copy of Pendulous Breasts Quarterly. The ‘zine is also available for purchase here.

All profits from Pendulous Breasts Quarterly will go to the 826 National tutoring organization.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Hit ‘em Hard Boys, by John Howell Harris