Just like real New Yorkers, Gossip Girl characters are a tenacious bunch. Last night, Chuck Bass proved he would stop at nothing for his true love Blair, even if it meant lurking embarrassingly in the doorway of Juicy Couture store on Madison Avenue. Serena persisted in carrying on her fake relationship with Dan in hopes that it would turn into a real one, despite Dan’s blatant and insulting disinterest. And randy Father Cavalia, who is in New York for reasons unclear, will do anything to stop Louis from marrying Blair in order to keep his job as the “spiritual flack” of the royal family of Monaco. Because he … loves the church?
As always, only some aspects of what was once known as The Greatest Show of Our Time mirror reality, and it’s up to us to sort the true-to-life from the just plain crazy. Behold: our weekly reality index!
More Real Than a Penis Cake Being the Bouche De Noel of the American Bachelorette Party
• Serena is obsessed with Dan, but still makes him come to Manhattan for coffee — and pay for it. Love is only worth so much on the Upper East Side. Plus 1
• Serena’s plans for Blair’s bachelorette party are for dinner at Le Charlot and “kir royals and Kiki de Montparnasse at the St. Regis.” Then while they’re hanging around in lingerie after a big meal, they can circle each other’s fat, just like the old Constance Billiard days! Plus 2
• Beatrice thinks bachelorette parties involve licking crème fraîche off of strippers. Aw! Cute little French people. Plus 2
• Nate bought “cab ads” for Serena, but Plus only 1, because (a) It’s commonly known as “Taxi TV” and (b) If Nate really knew what he was doing he would have gotten Cat Greenleaf to interview her on “Stoop Talk.”
• Blair confesses she pressed the closed button on a door when a woman was running toward it. “She was wearing too much perfume,” she says. “Diddy called it ‘Unforgivable’ for a reason.” Plus only 2, because while we’re glad Blair’s wit is coming back, she would never recognize the smell of a fragrance sold at Walgreen’s.
• Nate asks Chuck if he followed Blair into the church. “Of course not,” he responds. “I didn’t want to risk blowing my cover. Or bursting into flames.” Plus 3
• “Your ideas are brilliant.” “Obviously you light up every room you walk into.” “Publishers see you as Jennifer Egan or Chad Harbach.” Oh, agents. Plus 3 and Plus another 2 for Dan totally buying it.
• Serena blithely capitalizes on the nickname and notoriety bestowed on her by Gossip Girl by naming her column “S by S,” at the same time talking constant smack about “taking down” the gossip blogger who made her famous. If we were Gossip Girl — and MAYBE WE ARE — we’d want to take this bitch down a notch, too. Plus 4
• “There are a couple of worlds I’m drawn to,” Dan tells his publishers. “One of them is a modern western, but it’s like a Henry the Fourth kind of structure, a Falstaff thing, but he’s addicted to the drunken revelry of the West, so it’s set on a cattle ranch … ” Plus 10 for the most awesomely pretentious novel description since “He was a man who was born with a dog’s head … ”
• Dan: “I was thinking I wanted to stretch on this one.” Jonathan Karp: “Then take a yoga class!” Good one, Jonathan Karp! But “Can I hit pause?” wins for the most dismissive line of 2012. Plus 5
• Nate, the editor of a major publication, has only, like, four e-mails in his in-box, and three are from Gossip Girl. Plus 2 because this is, after all, Nate, and nobody’s asking him to make any decisions.
• Beatrice takes Blair’s bachelorette party to Panchito’s, where they do shots, dance with guys with goatees to Brilliant. Plus 7
• Plus 5 for trivia questions that tell us important background information, like that Lord Marcus’s favorite song was “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” and Carter Baizen once wore Blair’s underwear to Picholine.
• Nate has read through all of the Spectator archives, and the meanest thing they’ve printed under his editorship was a headline wondering whether Christina Agueliera’s belly was a “baby bump or Mexican munch.” And that is a REAL QUESTION. Plus 2
Faker Than Waving Around the Cash You Accepted for Attempted Murder in the Street
• Blair doesn’t notice the priest she’s talking to has a thick French accent and smells like FCUK cologne. Minus 2
• I’m sorry, but it’s just completely impossible that Serena could have gotten into my mom’s closet and stolen her Halloween sweater from 1985. Minus 1
• Coffee in hipster Brooklyn isn’t “half the price,” now that everyone’s serving brands like Intelligentsia. Minus only 1, because if Dan and Serena had gone to Blue Bottle, waiting for a cup of drip coffee would have taken up half the episode.
• Where did Blair’s sudden extreme hatred of Father Cavalia come from? It’s true he looks more like a porno actor in a priest suit than an actual man of the cloth, but she didn’t seem to notice that when they met at the Feast. Minus 3
• Does the Princess of Monaco have to wait in line at Ladurée like everyone else? We think not. Minus 2
• Serena is able to upload the text of an e-mail onto the Spectator site with the click of a button. Hell of a CMS those people have. Minus 2
• Also, how has no one on this show set a password on their computer? Minus 5
• Serena has hidden comedic and literary talents? No. Minus 10
• “You’re never going to leave the church for me, we both know it,” Beatrice says to Father Cavalia. Because obviously this man is deeply religious and would never consider letting down God. Seriously? This plotline is a thing that is happening? I can’t even. Minus 5
• So, wait, Serena just doesn’t show up to her best friend’s bachelorette party and that’s cool? Minus 9
• Minus 25 for the blatant rip-off of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie gets caught with a joint in front of a bar.
• So having Nate fake-fire Serena and sending a video of it to Gossip Girl, then using Serena to coerce Trip into making a quasi-confession that he tried to have Nate killed while Nate and his Grandfather listen in from the other room turns out to be Nate’s Grandfather’s idea. If we’re not mistaken, Old Man Archibald has proven to be the biggest schemer on this show. Someone put a headband on this man and call him Queen Bee! No, just kidding, this whole plotline was absurd. Minus 10
Weird plotting and continued religious tomfoolery tipped this episode into the realm of the fake. Next week: Will Blair and Louis get married, or will the wedding be interupted by Chuck, Father Cavalia, or GOD HIMSELF?