Gossip Girl Recap: Jesus Owes Me One

Gossip Girl

Season 5 Episode 13

Gossip Girl

Season 5 Episode 13
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

On last night’s centennial episode of Gossip Girl, revelers in bright Fascinators poured into the St. James church for the wedding of Blair Waldorf, Princess of the Met Steps, to Louis Grimaldi, Prince of Monaco. With strains of the song that first ushered the show onto the air playing cheerily in the background, our mysterious narrator looked back at how far Blair, and we all, have come. “Who would have thought that in just five short years, she could turn that headband into a tiara for real?” she mused. Indeed. As always, on the surface, everything looked idyllic. But underneath, anxiety and regret were bubbling. Five years?!? Some people might have been thinking. Holy hell, what have I done with my life? Inside the Waldorf’s bridal chamber, the brunette bride-to-be grasped her maid of honor’s hand. “Are you sure nothing’s going to ruin it?” she asked. “Of course not!” the maid of honor replied, for she is an idiot. “What could?”

Well, everything, of course. It was an unrealistic answer, given everything that has gone down over the course of 100 episodes of this show, but we’ll let that one go in the God-help-us 100th Reality Index of the Greatest Show of Our Time.

More Real Than a Sham Marriage in Monaco
• We open on a dream sequence. It’s not the black and white that Blair usually dreams in, but soft, spongey Technicolor. It’s Serena’s dream this time! She’s dressed as Marilyn Monroe, performing “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend,” surrounded by fawning suitors. Everything’s perfect, even her hair, for once. But then Blair, dressed in a black sheath, pearls, and tiara, appears. She starts to take Dan away! Serena has other suitors, but she is disturbed by this. She tries to grab him back but to no avail. Blair is taking him away, just like Audrey Hepburn took away Marilyn Monroe’s role in Breakfast at Tiffany’s! This dream is trying to tell us something: That Serena subconsciously fears losing Dan to Blair and HELLO, GAYS!!! WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU! Plus 5 for effort
• Billionaire house husband Rufus has to put up his own flyers on the Lower East Side because, “the record labels don’t even have interns anymore.” That’s what they tell Rufus, anyway. Plus 5
• You’d think that Dan would recognize Serena’s simpery-eyed, pucker-lipped, open-mouthed, “I’m back in love with you again” face after seeing it in seasons one, two, three, four, and five, but to be fair, it’s extremely similar to her, “Maybe this person isn’t who they say they are” and “Maybe Blair and Chuck should be together,” face, so, no points.
• “Don’t worry, Serena,” says Dorota. “You’ll find someone who loves you like that, too.” Yes, and hopefully at an appropriate age. The way kids grow up on this show, we fear the next time we see those three mini-minions they’ll have made an Upper East Side Pregnancy Pact. Plus 1 for Dorota, the voice of reason.
• “I’m sorry, Father,” Chuck says, when Father Campylobacteriosis hands him the priest outfit. “I don’t play those sordid games anymore.” Plus 2
• We’re a sucker for any plot involving a non-priest in a priest outfit, so Plus another 3 for Father Cholera’s genius plan to drug Father Smythe so that he’ll have to take over the ceremony, even though (a) it makes no sense and (b) his failure to figure in the fact that Rufus got drunkenly ordained online by the Universal Life Church back in 1996. Ha-ha, silly foreigner.
• Dorota is apparently only allowed to shed her uniform for childbirth and weddings, but Plus 2 for her pretty purple ensemble.
• And Plus another 2 for the Grimaldi-Waldorfs failure to invite Dorota’s husband. Someone’s got to work the door at the Bass–Van Der Woodsen building!
• At any other wedding, the looooong moment when everyone, including the priest, paused and looked around, as if to make sure everyone, including the the ex-boyfriend lurking in the church door, was really, totally cool with what was about to happen, might have been weird. Here, of course, it made perfect sense, so Plus 8.
• “That bitch got me remanded to rehab, banished from Bible camp, and abandoned in Belarus,” Georgina Sparks rants as she power-walks through the park on the way to the wedding. Might as well rehearse a toast, just in case the thing ends up happening. Plus 2
• Of course, Chuck keeps several liters of toilet water from Mexico around, in case there’s any priests that need poisoning. Plus 3, and Plus another 1 for the fact that he points out it’s quality toilet water, “from a Bass resort.”
• “Back in high school, he used to look at you like he was starving and you were a tasting menu,” Blair tells Serena. Plus 5, because that’s exactly what lust would look like to an uptight princess with an eating disorder.
• Of course, Blair’s minions are wearing hideously unflattering dresses made out of pink shower poufs. Plus 2
• Plus 2 for the Man With No Lines who walks in on Georgina in a negligee. Plus 2
• “My invitation got lost in the mail,” Georgina says. “After all, I do live in Brooklyn now.” It’s true, mail really does take longer to get to Brooklyn. Maybe that’s what happened to our invitation. Plus 1
• The scene where Blair asks both her dads to walk her down the aisle is hands-down the best part of the episode. Wallace Shawn elevates everything when he lifts those chubby cheeks into a joyful smile. Plus 1
• Okay, let’s review: Over the last season, Dan wrote a best-selling book portraying Serena as a bimbo. He got mad at her when she got his movie option killed, even though she was doing him a favor, lest the end result turn out like — well, this show. He agreed to have a “fake” relationship with her for the sake of Blair but has been openly cranky about it, acting totally inconvenienced, like he can’t wait to get away from her and jerk off to Hello. When in the last episode, he finally managed to choke out a compliment of the column she’d been writing for months, it was totally backhanded. (“I never thought I’d laugh so hard at something written by Serena Van Der Woodsen.”) And when she apologizes for allowing him to think they had to carry on pretending they were dating for — what? A couple of extra days? — he lashes out harshly. “Sorry?” he says. “Is that it? Why’d you lie? To get publicity for your column? To get a date to your best friend’s wedding?” In short, Dan has been a total dick to Serena. OF COURSE she loves him. Plus 10
• Georgina: “If I ever cried, I’d be moved to tears.” Plus 1
• Eleanor is drunk-crying during the ceremony. Plus 5

Total: 61

Faker Than Man Bangs Being Dateless
• If Georgina Sparks lives in Brooklyn, why is she walking through Central Park on the way to the wedding? Minus only 1, because if we deducted points for stuff like this every time they happened we’d be here all night.
• Milo was born in the summer of 2010, which we’re pretty sure means he’d be a little person with hair and a face now, not one of those Winston Churchill–looking things in a stroller. Minus 5
• “Isn’t the wedding hours away?” The cater waitress who is of course the Real Charlie Rhodes asks Nate, who should have responded, “Yeah, so why are you already wearing a bow tie and platform pumps?” Minus 5
• This is along the same lines as complaining about Central Park but still: How did Georgina get into Chuck’s apartment??? Minus 1
Minus 3 for there not being an outtake of Michelle Tractenberg, accompanied by the writhing priest, saying, “Bless us father, I have a feeling we’re about to shit,” on the Internet somewhere.
• Seriously? Serious Chuck is just going to lurk in the hallway of the church like that? And then not DO anything? Minus 5
• First of all, people aren’t going to leave their ringers on during a Royal Freaking Wedding. At least not everyone. Second, how did Gossip Girl’s voice manage to get over the loudspeaker system? Minus 8
• Nate manages to learn everything about Lola/Charlie Rhodes (ChoLa?), except that she is Charlie Rhodes. Minus only 2, because it is Nate, after all.
• Rufus and Lily fail to notice the girl they ran into at the building where they were looking for ChIvy is at the wedding flirting with Nate. Minus only 1, since Miss Ruffleshirt has already handily established that “people like them” don’t remember “people like her.”
• Even though she’s clearly flattered by Nate’s interest, ChoLa makes a little dig about how she doesn’t really expect Nate to be any different from the other Entitled Rich Boys that hit on waitresses before sashaying away to sexily scrape some disgusting chewed food off of plates. Well, load up a Porsche full of fish, we’ve got a Sassy Lady From the Underclass. (Except it’s IRONIC, because she’s actually a Rich Kid, Too! Minus 10 because, ugh.)
• He always had it in him, but the relationship between Louis and his mom is getting a little Oedipal. Minus 2 for the dancing scene.
• Eleanor’s desire for her daughter to be happy is lovely and all, but don’t you think she’d have remembered the Xanax and the nervousness that accompanied and What It All Meant before the dress was on and the orchestra was playing string versions of eighties hits? Minus only 2, because maybe it was the classical rendition of “Careless Whisper” that brought it all back.
• “There’s going to be a scandal?” What? Who are you, Georgina’s idiot minion? Minus 1
• Wait, why can’t they just get the marriage annulled? Oh, because that would be too easy. Minus 3
• Chuck decides the best way to apologize to Blair for crashing her wedding is to crash her wedding again. Minus 7
• And as for THE BIG REVEAL: Yeah, we’re just not ready to buy that Georgina is Gossip Girl. It’s just too easy. Even though she echoed Gossip Girl’s comments to Nate about people not “doing their research” during her rant in the park, as she reminded us, she spent long stretches of time at Jesus camp, and military school, and Belarus: Who was posting then? No points, we’ll wait and see.

Total: 55

It was a close call, but owing to our holding back about “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” and on the issue of Gossip Girl’s Identity, this week’s episode fell on the realistic side. See you at the next shindig! Ta-ta!

Gossip Girl Recap: Jesus Owes Me One