Well, Stephen Colbert’s brief campaign for President of the United States of South Carolina has finally come to a close after Herman Cain shockingly didn’t win the South Carolina primary. The good news is that Colbert can get his Super PAC back where it belongs once more, in his very own hand-knitted stars-and-stripes billfold. Unless interim supervisor Jon Stewart has anything to say about it. Dun dun dun! Read Stewart’s message to PAC members below, in which he advises Colbert to “take a long walk off a short go-f%¢#-yourself.” War of the Comedy Central fake news hosts!
Dear Super PAC Super People, Hey, it’s Jon again. As you know, a while back, I took over this Super PAC so that my friend and business partner Stephen Colbert could explore possibly running for President of the United States of America of South Carolina (maybe). Unfortunately, he never connected with voters, despite nearly a week of part-time campaigning, culminating in a massive rally at the College of Charleston. Now, Stephen’s exploratory phase is over. And like most exploratory phases, it was strange, awkward, and ended not long after he left campus. Today he asked me if he if he could retake control of The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. I told him, with all due respect, to go take a long walk off a short go-f%¢#-yourself. Are you kidding me? This thing is a pile of money, sitting on top of a heap of cash, sitting on top of a mountain of moolah. And I’m going to spend it. But in a legal, responsible way. For example, I just bought a jaguar! And I’m going to buy that jaguar its own Jaguar, and teach it to drive me around! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go – my official Super PAC Private Zeppelin is about to land and the pilot told me I have to turn off all electronic devices. Which sucks, I was about to score a bingo on Words With Friends. Oh, the H-U-M-A-N-I-T-Y! In conclusion: I’m rich! Rich, I tell you, rich! Jon StewartPresident For Life For EverThe Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC