I may or may not have a friend, potentially a girl, who’s admitted to me that he or SHE’s read — and quite possibly even written — Gilmore Girls fan fiction. I might have laughed at him or HER at first, until I realized, “Wait, isn’t fan fiction pretty much like writing a spec script?” Then I put on my backwards baseball cap and flannel shirt, went to the nearest diner, and began writing dialogue for the greatest, most pop culture-est conversation between Lorelai and Rory EVER.
Well, some of that story is true, everything up to the hat part, actually. I get why someone would want to write fan fiction for Gilmore Girls; it’s an interesting experiment, attempting to mimic the tone of a series you love, and it allows you to toy around with stories the show never did. What I don’t understand, however, is why ANYONE would ever write fan fiction for, say, Joey or Dave’s World. Or even a great show like I’m Alan Partridge, which is of a different world than the one normally inhabited by Angel/Spike slash fiction from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Here are 10 such random stories.
Joey, “Something Serious”
“Joey too had been left broken. Sara had left him. Things had been going so well for them until she’d gotten the job offer far, far away that she couldn’t refuse. Of course their relationship had been too good to last.
Maybe this, though, would be different. Maybe she and Joey could have something serious together on a level beyond the friendship they had maintained for the past year or so. Maybe.
She runs her fingers through his hair and then settles back into bed. However it turns out when they’re able to talk about it, it will be a night she’ll never forget.”
Family Matters, “Steve Urkel Meets Greenday”
[Urkel] opened the door slowly to see Billie in some black boxers “Oh shit he must still be dressing” Steve thought Billie knew this was his chance to finally find true love he grabbed Steve Urkel by the hand and pulled him onto his bed “I know you love me” Billie said “W…ww..ell” Steve Urkel looked away while replying Billie whispered in Steve’s ear “I want some of your dark meat” Steve was shocked and all could say was “I want some of your white”.
Veronica’s Closet, “The Confession”
“Do you want me to call Millie and tell her that you’re engaged.”
“That’s gonna be a little tough… “
“Why?”
“In the um throes of passion, I uh she uh is no longer with us.”
Chloe put her hand to her mouth. “Oh my god!”
“Yea that was my thought. What’s worse is that during the funeral, I spilled it to her mother what happened!”
“Wouldn’t they have already told her?”
“They told her Millie fell down the stairs!”
“Josh it’s ok.”
“No it is not Ok Chloe – uh when we were in there a few minutes ago when we began to kiss, I saw HER face!”
Chloe shook her head. “You certainly have issues. I’ll set you up with someone that you can talk to regarding this issue. Josh I want you to dazzle me on my wedding night so … we gotta get some practice!”
Dave’s World, “Kenny’s Christmas Surprise”
Kenny Beckett couldn’t wait to go to Aspen. There’d be lots of mountains to ski down, lots of gorgeous women to flirt with (and maybe have a few making out sessions on the side), and a crackling fire to help keep him cozy throughout the entire vacation. This would be one vacation he’d never forget.
At the moment though, he was stuck in the mall doing some last-minute shopping. Kenny located a crimson snowsuit, though he wasn’t entirely sure whether or not it fit well with his shoulder-length blond hair and piercing blue eyes.
“Does this suit look well on me?” Kenny asked a pair of mall elves. The only response he got were two glares before the elves walked off with disgust.
I’m Alan Partridge, “I Hate You”
I hate you, Tony Hayers
BBC, say your prayers.
Tony Hayers, smells a bit,
Like being covered in polyurethane composite.
Smell my cheese, Tony Hayers
Cheese made up of many layers
I was great until you came,
Then you came and stole my fame
Now I’m on Radio Norwich
And I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Norwich.
Then you fell from your roof
I’ve always thought: what a goof!
And on your grave, I did stamp,
Your wife always thought you were damp.
Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Scum:
Ah-ha.
Taxi, “There Once Was a Little Girl”
“You’re dad may yell at you, but he still loves you and he’s probably worried about you. Don’t you think that you should go home?” Elaine asked.
“No, last time I went home he hit me, and he hit me today. I don’t want to get hit again today,” she said while shamefully looking down.
This got Elaine’s attention. “He hits you?” she asked.
Hannah nodded. “Today he hit my back,” she said while hugging her bunny tighter.
Elaine looked to her with concern. “Could you please show me where he hit you?” she asked wanting to know how bad this really was. Hannah turned to face the back and lifted her shirt up. Elaine softly gasped as she revealed the large black and blue spot on her lower back. “Okay, I tell you what. How about you come back to the garage with me and then I’ll take you down to the police station. Alright?” Elaine asked simply getting a nod in response from the child.
Kenan and Kel, “Legacy of Good Burger”
“Look Ed” said Craig “Why dont you take some pamphlets and let us know if you want to do business with us”
Barely getting over his fixation over the caterpillar, he acknowledges the men.
“Sure dude, I love cheese”
The short man opens the briefcase in Ed’s face. Green gas eminates from it and the next thing he knows, Ed is on the ground. He can faintly hear a voice, but it didnt belong to either of the people he had been talking to.
BJ and the Bear, “Double Trouble”
He unloaded the supplies beside her legs and sat down beside her, facing her on the bed. He grabbed her hand, reminding her to breathe. “Come on, nice and deep and easy,” he coached when she squeezed his hand with an iron grip. She did as he coaxed, taking a deep breath when it ended.
“They’re getting stronger,” she declared with a gasp.
“Yeah, closer together, too,” he added, looking at the clock. “15 minutes apart.”
She reached to brush her hair back with trembling hands. BJ noticed and tried to comfort her. “Everything’s gonna be ok. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you,” he promised.
She gave him a half-hearted smile, closing her eyes, resting up for the next contraction.
They sat in silence for a moment. Bear who was awake now, grabbed the remote and turned it to a wildlife channel, chattering in excitement when monkeys appeared on the screen.
Murphy Brown, “Bush Whacked”
Murphy: (enters the Oval Office)
President Bush: Well, hello there, Ms. Brown.
Murphy: Hello, Mr. President. May I call you Dubya? I heard all your friends do.
President Bush: Uh, well, let’s just stick with Mr. President.
…
President Bush: OK, I think this interview is over. I have a Pro-Life Rally to go to anyway.
Murphy: Pro-Life? Are you joking?
President Bush: I am very serious, Ms. Brown.
Murphy: Well, do you know that when you sentence people to death, it kills them?
President Bush: OK, I think it’s time for you to leave, Ms. Brown.
Clarissa Explains It All, “One per cent”
“Well I guess that’s my cue to go,” Sam whispered, pulling himself up slowly as Clarissa came to lie back down,
“No,” she said, gripping his arm. She didn’t know why she said it but as she saw his eyes widen in shock in the moonlight, she knew her were doing the same. He wavered, unsure of what to do. All it took was that moment of indecision for the atmosphere to change, for the room to become supercharged with the promise of something that vibrated and shimmered in the air between them.
Clarissa’s hand left his arm and came up to tangle in his hair as he pressed his lips to hers with infinite tenderness. She could feel his hand trembling as he brushed it with feather light softness across her collarbone before sweeping her hair back over her shoulder.
Her hand worked inside his leather jacket, drawing him back down onto the bed to press his body against hers. They had kissed before but it had felt nothing like this. This kiss warmed her lips and sent tremors down her body that made her want to crush herself up against him.
Sam moved slowly, gently against her. They had to be quiet with her parents only a few metres away, although Clarissa was finding it harder and harder as his slow tender kisses ignited something in her that she had never felt before.
She slid his jacket off, followed quickly by his t-shirt, wanting the feeling of skin on skin,
“Are you sure?” he whispered into her ear. The tickle of his breath on her skin made her shiver
Josh Kurp also found an Alf/X-Files crossover story, but it wasn’t nearly as good as he hoped.
