Glee Recap: Jeff Goldblum O’Clock

GLEE: Rory (guest star Damian McGinty, L) and Artie (Kevin McHale, R) compete for Sugar's (guest star Vanessa Lengies, C) love in the
Photo: Adam Rose/FOX

Hooray for Glee! I didn’t totally hate this episode! (Except for the parts I totally hated, which were most of the parts without Jeff Goldblum in them.) No, but really, there were a couple of genuinely high high points here — particularly the God Squad’s thoughtful dismantling of Christian homophobia (suggesting, once again, that even if Ryan Murphy & Co. are frighteningly inept when it comes to racial sensitivity, they’re capable of really constructive nuance when addressing LGBT stuff). Also, Jeff Goldblum!!! Also, not enough Jeff Goldblum. I rate this episode ENDURABLE PLUS.

So, it’s St. Valentine’s week, which means Mr. Schue is running around yelling shit like this: “Okay, everybody! Let’s hear it for luuuuuuuuuv!!!” Gross, let’s not. Sugar Motta (you know — that character? The one with the characteristics?) announces that she’s throwing a big romance party at Breadstix, and only coupled humans are invited. “No single people allowed. They’re sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.” Except, twist!!! Sugar Motta HERSELF is single! But not for long, because Artie and that Irish kid immediately start bonering all over her — a boner vs. boner deathmatch that will drag out until the end of this entire episode. Because that’s how attraction works: Whoever gives a female the biggest box of heart-shaped garbage candy or makes the No. 1 most pitiful speech in choir class is the one she will choose to be her mate!

OOPS, JEFF GOLDBLUM O’CLOCK. Jeff Goldblum (world’s greatest No. 1 king of all people) and Brian Stokes Mitchell (totally legit!) and Jeff Goldblum’s velveteen blazer play Rachel’s three gay dads. They come to the school (because in Lima, all roads lead to McKinley, because there’s only one road, and it leads to McKinley) to interrupt their daughter’s education and invite her to a Valentine’s Day dinner at her own house. They’re super into this Rachel-Finn marriage pact, you see, and so they want to unite the entire Berry/Hummel/Hudson clans in one big awkward celebration of underage humpery. (Full disclosure: I just had to LOOK UP FINN’S LAST NAME — way to be memorable, bro.)

Oh my God, spinoff idea: Rachel’s gay dads team up with Burt Hummel and move to the big city and it’s called MY THREE DADS. And they all wear velveteen blazers with pocket squares and they solve crime! OR they go back in time and solve historical crime! OR they become domestic servants in a large country house filled with scandal and missing snuffboxes and drop tasty bons mots about puddings! OR they’re wizards! And maybe they take in a homeless guy they meet at the mall!!! For the rest of this season I’m going to stop recapping Glee and instead just write fake recaps of future My Three Dads episodes. You’ll thank me later. (Possible tagline: “If at first you don’t succeed, dad dad again.” Boom.)

Okay, what else is going on … Mercedes calls a God Squad meeting to introduce everyone to Joe, that dreadlock Jesus dude from The Glee Project. Each one of his dreadlocks, he says, is named after a book in the Bible (please keep that Revelations dread away from me), which I think might actually be true in real life.

Back in the choir room, Mike and Tina sing “L-O-V-E,” which is completely cute except for the fact that Tina has what appears to be a vulva made out of coffee filters pinned to the front of her dress. Meanwhile, Rory and Artie try to outdo each other by giving Sugar Motta increasingly impractical gifts — culminating with a living dog in a box. Cool, thanks, a hairy shit factory. Best present ever. Let us commence the intercourse immediately.

Brittany and Santana share a sweet moment at their lockers. (Brittany shows Santana a playlist on her laptop: “I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine’s day, but this is as far as I got without any help.”) Then they smooch. Then Principal Figgins shows up and goes, “Teen lesbiaaaaaaans! I must see you in my office right nooooooow.” Apparently some Christian kid complained about Santana and Brittany’s lesbo kissings. Apparently nobody at McKinley ever learns to NOT PISS OFF SANTANA.

Finn and Rachel announce their engagement to the Glee Club and everyone is a huge dick about it. AGAIN. (Didn’t we already do this?) “You guys aren’t mature enough or old enough to properly face this kind of commitment!” Then Rachel says that anyone who doesn’t like it isn’t invited to the wedding. Bummer.

Then, unfortunately, Artie says the words, “I’ve got some sugary sweet game to spit!” and the dudes sing Mario’s “Let Me Love You.” The sugary sweet game causes Sugar Motta to fall in love with Artie (“Wheel me to class, baby”) and that leprechaun is like, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” (Side note: Did whatever paralyzed Artie’s legs also paralyze the fashion part of his brain? Why does he dress like a 60-year-old German nanny in 1974?)

Okay, then Sam starts rapping and it is terrible. Glee! NO RAPPING!!! Ever! It’s a God Squad singing telegram from Finn to Rachel, of the Gym Class Heroes’ “Stereo Hearts.” Santana decides to test the God Squad, telling them that she would like to send a disgusting lesbian vagina-telegram: “I would like to send one to my girlfriend Brittany. And by that I don’t mean my friend who is a girl, I mean my girlfriend-girlfriend. How does that sound?” Then Dreadlocks-Jesus makes constipation-face for like one hour.

Rory makes a big fat Irish announcement in Glee Club: “I’ve been trying to get my student visa extended so I can spend my junior year at McKinley, but I just found out the request got denied. I miss my family, but you guys have become my second family.” Then he sings “Home” by Michael Buble, which is about how “I just wanna go hooooooooooooome!” Even though like one second earlier he said he DOESN’T want to go home. Kurt starts weeping for no reason. Then Sugar Motta goes, “Rory, I feel worse for you than I do for Artie! Will you be my date for Valentine’s Day?” It is unclear at this point whether Rory is ACTUALLY having visa problems, or this is just one big Irish grift to get into Sugar’s underpants. Even at the end of the episode I couldn’t tell. I guess we’ll find out later.

God Squad meeting! “We have to have a discussion and decide what the God Squad feels about singing to gay people.” Everyone is totally cool with it except for that new guy. This conversation is actually super productive and smart, tackling serious issues in a funny way, and it made me feel proud of Glee. Quinn makes a bunch of good points, which is super disorienting. Also, this scene contains my favorite line of the episode: “One of the twelve apostles might have been gay, and my guess is Simon, because that name is the gayest.”

Mercedes reveals that she told Shane about her feelings for Sam, but now she feels too guilty about her infidelity to actually be with Sam, so instead she sings “I Will Always Love You.” (Really? You will ALWAYS love SAM???) Now, shooting for this episode wrapped on February 1, which means that this is a coincidence, not a deliberate Whitney tribute. I’m definitely NOT saying that GLEE KILLED WHITNEY FOR RATINGS, but I do know that Amber Riley apparently met Whitney on Thursday AND THEN SHE DIED. COINCIDENTALLY. IT DEFINITELY WASN’T IOCANE POWDER. (Seriously though, R.I.P., Whitney.) Mercedes does a gorgeous job with the song; everyone cries. It’s definitely the most moving number of the whole season. Also, though, quit trying to convince me that this Mercedes/Sam thing is some Romeo and Juliet love story for the ages. You guys dated for like five and a half minutes! And there is literally no reason why you can’t be together now! Oh, you’re just broken up because you are? Because reasons? FINE. WHERE THE EFF IS JEFF GOLDBLUM?

Okay, at this point I would like to encourage you to hit the Internet and treat yourself to some Goldblum GIFs. Because here he is! And it’s the best! Rachel and her two dads do a quick rendition of “You’re the Top” (too quick! — It’s a crime that the dads don’t have a full-length musical number). It’s “our nightly tradition of turning regular dinner into dinner theater,” says Rachel (this tradition will be featured in EVERY episode of My Three Dads). At dinner, Jeff Goldblum makes a bunch of hilarious Vienetta jokes, because Vienetta, and then a really weird thing happens where they send Rachel and Finn upstairs to have intercourse (“commence with the teenage lovemaking”). Turns out, it’s all a big gay grift to trick Rachel and Finn into having a fight and calling off the engagement, which they do. But the fight (which is about poop) only lasts like eleven seconds, and then the couple is back together. So, good plot point, show!

Over at Sugar’s Breadstix party, Karofsky shows up dressed in a gorilla suit and tells Kurt, “I think I love you,” and Kurt is like, “Ohhhhhh, no.” Is anyone else but me TOTALLY into this idea? I feel like Kurt has way more chemistry with Karofsky than he does with Blaine. The God Squad decides that they are totally cool with gay lovemaking (“Love is love, man”), so they show up to deliver Brittany’s telegram. It’s “Cherish” by Madonna. Everyone stands around cherishing each other and patting the Christians on the back for deciding not to be terrible bigots. Then Blaine shows up! He rips off his eye patch and everyone sings “Love Shack,” and it’s probably the most fun anyone has had throughout this whole weird, lumpy, racist, nonsense season so far. Hooray! I could have used a bit more Fred Schneider impression, though.

Next week: “Everything you know about Glee is about to change.” GOD, FINALLY.

Glee Recap: Jeff Goldblum O’Clock