the recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Backup Dan

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

This week, Blair’s sham wedding to the prince of Monaco, her subsequent sprint to the airport in Vera Wang for a divorce Dominican Republic–style, and her refusal to let Chuck buy her from the Grimaldis had commenters abuzz with talk of implausibility. As usual, a few things have become Swarovski-crystal clear thanks to our commenters: Virtually no one likes Serena right now; Chuck really needs a hair change; and the writers may or may not have mailed in season five from a beach in the Dominican Republic themselves. Pluses were hard to come by this week (though Queen B remains a fave), but the hate rained down on Serena, the royal wedding reception music choices, the sudden lack of doors in UES apartments, Blair’s painful hair extensions, and Serena’s made-for-penguins gown. Forthwith, a return at last of the recap of the recap: 

Realer than Offering to Pay a Princess’s Dowry to Secure Her Divorce

  • “Serena and Chuck set out to find Blair and alert Nate of her disappearance. Nate, like the Golden retriever he is, is undeterred and gets distracted by the real version of the girl he used to have a thing for. +5” — iamdorota
  • “Like any good husband of a completely raging bitch, Georgina’s is a doormat. +20 
    Even strangers mock Dan. + 5. A hoodie and a t-shirt WOULD max out Dan’s credit card. +5” —stiletto33
  • “-100 for Serena being beyond pathetic in her unrequited love for Dan, it’s Dan for F*CK’s sake! It’s getting ridiculous. -20 for Rufus’ continuous pushing of his son to date his stepdaughter. +100 for Chuck to do the gentlemanly thing in attempting to purchase Blair.” Bookles
  • “Nate was the most interesting character this episode. +5” serenaownsme
  • “I was gobsmacked that Serena managed to make Blair’s disastrous marriage and flight from it all about her. And no one called her out on it. The cleavage rhombus is so mighty, its gravitational pull has now insured that the world does actually revolve around S. +10 for the writers struggling to keep Serena a lead character when she’s clearly the least interesting to write for.” mockingbird
  • “Tell me you know who Vera Wang is or keep walking.”-Blair to a young woman. Plus 20, because even when she’s desperate Blair Waldorf still has principles. “She refuses to get botox. Her face is an emoticon.”-Blair about her mother. Plus 20, I love that she managed to make that sound like a bad thing.” ldcluna
  • “+10 for Darota trying on Blair’s shoes, we all know that this is the only real benefits she gets in this job.” Anunkindravenbass
  • “Nate, Serena and Chuck all end up at the catering truck when they need to go find Blair. It’s a good thing Lola is into the runaway bride story and volunteers to help them, since as far as we know none of them can drive. Plus 3 for the 1% always having had drivers.” PurpleandGreen
  • “Did someone explain to us who ‘Philip,’ the guy who lives with Georgina, was? Minus 2” Philip is the guy who needed a “hot trophy wife” to show off to his bosses! Helllooo” toujoursamour
  • “Serena: ‘Why did you lie to me?’ Dan:(points to Blair) ‘She told me not to tell anyone’ Blair: ‘I didn’t know you talked to her’ Dan: ‘You do realize she falls under the term ‘anyone’?’ Serena: ‘I’m not just anyone, I’m her best friend’ +100 for that entire moment” hatinontheclub
  • “Nate just did manual labor for a date. These are the darkest of times for Nate. Plus 20 because sometimes we react in weird ways when our cousins attempt to murder us for no reason. I think we’ve all been there.” feed_the_ducks
  • “-Like all couples on the lam, Dan and Blair soon start fighting as the pressure of the outlaw life exposes all the flaws in their relationship. +5 
    - +25 for showing us how stunning Blair/Leighton is in prole clothes from the airport gift shop. +25 because Leighton is much more beautiful than Blake. 
    - Eleanor has zero interest in having a drink with the newlyweds after the reception. You can almost see her thinking, “my mother meter ran out 3 hours ago”. +2 …  
    - In fact, everyone excuses themselves after the reception, except for a few desperate diehards (the Princess and Rufus) who really want to keep partying. Very, very real. +10” muletta
  • “Seeing Blair in a t-shirt, hoodie, flats, and with “average” hair was the first time she ever looked her age. +21 (1 for every year!)” PIECEOFBASS

Faker Than Trying to Use a Tabloid Cover As a Passport on a Dominican Republic Flight

  • “The airport wasn’t the first place where someone would look for a runaway bride, especially a royal runaway princess bride. -1000” lanadelgay
  • “Blair allowed “Funky Cold Medina” to be played at the wedding? No. -10” ­lisaturtle
  • “Louis is such an idiot. If he had just kept his mouth shut like Sophie told him to, he could have at least gotten laid on his wedding night. Is the pre-nup still valid if they never consummate the marriage? -50 for ick factor if Blair’s lawyer Dad(s) have to sit around and discuss this possibility.” NurseLuvBass
  • “Pay phones don’t exist anymore, Lonely Boy. Minus 5.” caitybeth
  • “-100 for me not being able to comment at work.. 
    +1000 for us, this comment board is burning!!! 
    Dorota trying on Blair’s shoes…what else would any sane woman do locked in a closet? +100 
    Chuck’s perfect expression when Georgina said..”cross my heart and hope to die..” Bass maybe a new man, but Georgina is our only hope for pulling him back to his Bassass self.+200 
    Holy Motherchucker! How many times must I suffer watching Chuck and Blair declare their love for one another, only for Blair to walk away, and Chuck once again…sad and alone. -1000000 
    “Dear Lord, my rosary is worn from my constant praying that some how, somewhere up in heaven, someone will strike down the next stupid story line of keep Chuck and Blair apart..I ask you to save my soul from further suffering.” Amen.” bowtiesandheadbands
  • “louis is just doomed to be stupid. what did he think, that when he told blair that he was going to make her life suck from this point forward that she WOULDN’T run like hell? just hold it in a little bit longer, dude. i don’t know if this should be minus 50 for his idiocy or plus 50 for character consistency.  
    serena van der woodsen, resident social butterfly who cannot spend 5 minutes in a stranger’s company without getting to know them, spends a whole car ride with charlotte rhodes and yet fails to learn that she is charlotte rhodes. no, sorry i don’t buy it. minus 100 
    a girl in a wedding gown and horrible hair-extensions walks into the airport and no one is taking her picture to tweet and blog. they’re just staring. said girl has now been reported as a missing person and no one is calling the police. they’re just taking her picture to tweet and blog. minus 100 
    cyrus would NEVER let blair sign a prenup that was obviously written in the medieval ages. dowry? SERIOUSLY? minus 100.” harumscarum
  •  “-1000 for our former Queen B wearing a hoodie. An actual hoodie.  
    -250 for Serena & Chuck now being the voices of reason on this show. 
    - 800 for the character assassination of the aformentioned former Queen B.  
    - 600 for the simple fact that I can’t remember the last time B schemed/plotted… 
    + 500 for the above being the accepted norm as a result of the travesty that has been GG’s fifth season. 
    *raises Martini and saunters out*” Tha Phoenix
  • “-20 for Georgina walking in on Dorota. Seriously, how can you have major plot points contingent upon a lack of doors anywhere in Manhattan? #doorsareforpoors (credit to Apathyonmyside).” maggiebex
  • “Dan and Blair fight like 12 year old girls. I kept waiting for them to bashfully apologize, pop in a DVD of The Notebook and braid each other’s hair. -20 for that not happening.” chuckismypuppy
  • “-10 for the wedding DJ that was playing Like A Virgin at the wedding. Did the writers already forget that B was pregnant?” nikole0602
  • “Minus 20 at how shocked Chuck was that Serena would look on the roof for Blair. If there’s any person that would appreciate the theatrics and drama of escaping a wedding from a parachute on the room it would be Chuck. The roof is his favorite place to go for melodrama.” feed­­_the_ducks

For next week’s ROTR post, e-mail sarah.lawson[at] your favorite non-cat YouTube video for a chance to pick the best comments for the post. Cover letters and general flattery appreciated.

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Backup Dan