Gossip Girl Recap: Gossip Girl Knows You Better Than Your Own Mother

Gossip Girl

The Backup Dan
Season 5 Episode 14

Gossip Girl

The Backup Dan
Season 5 Episode 14
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

This week, our Upper East Siders experimented with boundaries. Nate kicked Chola out of his apartment when he heard her lying to her mother. Dan smacked down Blair for treating him like a servant. And a righteously indignant Serena called out both Blair and Dan for their inconsiderate behavior. But Eleanor Waldorf topped them all, coming back after a sputtering response to Sophie with a fiery retort to Louis. “Your family cannot control mine,” she sputters, getting all up in his smug faceth. Of course, in the end, none of them held firm — especially Blair, who after her dramatic escape from her wedding meekly surrendered to the miserable Grimaldis. But these things take time, and one thing’s for sure: Somebody’s going to be purchasing “Freedom Baguettes” from now on.

Below, our weekly reality index.

More Real Than a French Woman Telling an American Something Random Is “Rude”
• Chola: “Wait, the princess is runaway bride? And you guys are going to look for her? Yeah, I’m so in. I’ll drive!” Finally, someone on this show who makes good decisions! Plus 7
• Chuck: “Why would she be on the roof?” Serena: “I don’t know, maybe I’ve seen The Hangover too many times.” Plus 2
• Ha, Louis got yelled at by his mom for jumping the gun. Plus 7. “I’m sthorry! I couldn’t waith!”
• “You think I’d be insulted by somebody who carries a Samsonite?” Plus 1 for the willingness to piss off some advertisers, which is easier to do when you have JetBlue money in your pocket.
• Dan to Serena, who just declared her love for him: “I didn’t notice you’d left.” Plus 3
Plus 2 for Lily’s “Moves Like Jagger” joke sounding like a real mom joke.
• Georgina messes with Milo’s Mommy and Me Group. Plus 3
• Blair: “You know what everyone said to Charlene Wittstock when she tried to run, and she was an Olympian.” Plus 7
• “That’s not a Dorota knock,” Blair says. “She’s a stickler for ‘Shave and a Haircut.’” Plus 10
• “You told Rufus?” Blair says. “That goodie-goodie will squeal the first chance her gets. He’s always doing the right thing!” Plus 2, because he does exactly as she predicts.
• And so, for that matter, does Dan, who of course is waiting in the hotel bar after his storming out. Plus 5
• Not dating guys named Nate, Luke, or Troy is a pretty good rule. Plus 2
• Chola and Nate have a psycho contest where she confesses she’s concocted an elaborate lie wherein her mother believes she’s a political science major at Michigan State when actually she’s trying to be an actress in New York City. Nate one-ups her by saying his cousin tried to have him killed. Win! Too bad it’s not enough to get him a date. Plus 5
• “If they ever found out the truth about the real Charlotte Rhodes, they would never forgive me,” Carol told ChIvey last season, as if an unspeakable fate had befallen her daughter. This season, we find out where Carol thinks she is: MICHIGAN. AT A STATE SCHOOL. That really is unspeakable. Plus 3
• Finally, someone tells Dan about his hair. Plus 2
• Last week, we used our intimate knowledge of the human psyche to decode why Serena loved Dan. This week, after watching an episode in Blair drags Dan to the airport on an ill-fated mission to fly to the Dominican Republic, then subjects herself to a sham marriage in which she will spend a year with horrible, evil people, estranged from her family and the love of her life instead of just letting Chuck pay the dowry, we can offer you our penetrating insight into why Dan and Chuck both love Blair: It is because she’s fucking crazy. Plus 10

Total: 73

Faker Than Buying Tickets at the Airport in 2012
• Dan: “You want to go to the Dominican Republic and get a divorce now?
Blair: “Can you think of another option?”
Glad you asked! Actually, we can think of several:
Option 1: Go back to the wedding. Grabs a wine glass and step up onstage. Clink it. Say “Can I have everyone’s attention? Thank you all for coming, but Louis just lost his mind on the dance floor and told me that he faked his feelings during the ceremony and our marriage is a sham. I’m not willing to participate in this, therefore I’m going to look into having the marriage annulled under New York Domestic Relations Law 7 first thing in the morning. I expect the prenuptial agreement won’t be a problem since, as we recently learned from the Kardashian affair, prenups are voided in the case of anullments. In the meantime, I’m taking this opportunity to really bring shame upon to Louis and his family. Please enjoy the macaroons!” Result: Marriage annulled.
Option 2: Go back to the Humphrey loft, order pizza, and do some Internet research. Result: Marriage annulled; Blair gets to keep the presents.
Option 3: Call Eleanor. Say: “Mooooooom, Louis is crazy, please fix it!” Result: Eleanor says, “I knew it!” Cyrus does some Internet research, gets the marriage annulled. Minus only 20, since after all, being only 20 Blair would make a stupid, impetuous decision.
• But being Blair, she might have stopped off for a change of clothes instead of wearing her Smithsonian-worthy wedding dress to the airport. Minus 1
• Since when are people allowed to order in flower arrangements from other people’s weddings? Minus 4
• Princess Sophie dramatically tells Eleanor that since she won’t tell her where Blair is, she’ll have to use “other ways.” Meaning, reading Gossip Girl blasts. Minus 2
• Sure, Serena’s pissed at Blair, but you still think she might have stopped Louis’s evil mom in the hallway of the airport hotel. Minus 5
• Did someone explain to us who “Philip,” the guy who lives with Georgina, was? Minus 2
• I mean, the identity of who sent Gossip Girl the video is kind of a moot point, no? Why are we still talking about this? Can’t everyone just assume it was Georgina and move on? Minus 3
• Blair decides that she can’t let Chuck pay the dowry because in order for them to be “equals” she must live a life of misery for a year because I’m sorry, what? Why? Even Eleanor rolled her eyes at this ridiculous act of martyrdom. Minus 10. If Cyrus were awake, he would never have let this stand.

Total: 50

Done and documented! As we suspected, Georgina is only filling in for Gossip Girl. Which raises the question: Where is the real Gossip Girl? Here’s to finding out next week, on the Greatest Show of Our Time.

Gossip Girl Recap: Gossip Girl Knows You Better Than Your Own Mother