While much of Gossip Girl revolves around people doing things to benefit themselves, the characters occasionally try to help others. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as our Upper East Siders found out last night. Blair’s attempt to rekindle the relationship between Dan and Serena was, of course, disastrous, and the evening ended in fights and recrimination. Meanwhile, ChIvy braved the always volatile territory of a Gossip Girl party in order to speak to Lily — perhaps about her dying mother — only to come face-to-face with the girl she has been impersonating. Whoops! The only one who came out of this snarl of deception unpreturbed was, of course, Nate, the investigative journalist.
More Real Than a Drunk, Lonely Literary Agent
• Blair has a Minder who performs bed checks and reads her mail, just like Katie Holmes! Plus 5 for trapped princesses.
• “She’s a married woman now,” Rufus warns Dan of Blair, apparently forgetting that Lily was married when they got together also, to a billionaire whose convenient death enabled him to be sitting in his apartment picking out Cartier baubles for his beloved that he doesn’t actually have to pay for. So that actually worked out pretty nicely! Plus 8
• “If I’m going to load up Dan like a hirsute hand grenade, I need everyone to be there when he detonates,” says Georgina. Plus 2
• “Chuck has hooked us up with a huge suite at the Empire,” Rufus brags to Dan. Still hooked on swag after all these years. Plus 3
• “Have a good day!” “I doubt that.” The official Valentine’s Day greeting of New York City. Plus 4
• Dan not only did not respond to Serena’s declaration of love two episodes ago, he has the nerve to act as though he’s the one pissed off about it. Plus 5, Dick.
• Nate’s assistant has figured out that his interior life is basically as complicated as a cat’s: All you have to do is dangle something he can’t have in his face, and he starts batting the air all around him and going crazy trying to get it. Plus 7
• Ha! We knew there was something off about those old people in love. The couples people in New York who have been married for 54 years are from out of town or have impossible prenups. Plus 5
• “There’s going to be grown women here dressed like schoolgirls,” Nate says excitedly. Plus 3
• If Serena is on her way to spinsterhood, that sweater is a good start. Plus 3
• Rufus is on his way to meet Lily, laden with bags from girly stores like Sephora and Henri Bendel. Plus 3
• Alessandra, Dan’s literary agent, is out drinking with a group of girlfriends on Valentine’s Day and “it is sooooo depressing.” Plus 2
• When the camera pans to Philip on the floor with Milo, he’s teaching him how to play with a plastic cell phone. Plus 2
• “Why don’t you come with me to the Cardiac Ball tonight? We can bond over our broken hearts while looking at people with actual broken hearts.”
• When Blair comes home, Serena opens her bedroom door wearing a sexy romper and sequined vest, looking expectant. Is she still expecting Dan to come by? Plus 10 because, of course.
Faker Than a Cater Waiter in Heels
• Wait, it’s taken Serena this many weeks to tell Blair she didn’t send the tape? And Blair is just like, oh, okay, without asking who did? Minus 4
• If Blair was signing contracts all willy-nilly like they expect us to believe, wouldn’t at least one of them have made it a condition that Dorota accompany her on trips? Minus 2
• Okay, everyone knows that Blair trying to set up Serena and Dan is preposterous. But she’s supposed to believe it’s going to work, so why would she brag to Serena about hiring fake old people in love instead of just letting her think it was real? Minus 2
• “Guitar Hero in one corner, sushi bar in the other, a girl gets beaned with a Nairtini, or someone gets a secret key to the pool … ” Blair’s rundown of events from the Constance Billiard days is meant to make us feel nostalgic, but it’s Georgina’s line a few scenes later that has real poignancy: “Under my stewardship, Gossip Girl has been a shell of her former self, like AOL or Courtney Love,” Georgina says. No points, but aw, Josh Safran, is that you?
• Wait, how did Georgina and Philip get a copy of Blair’s prenuptial agreement? Minus 2
• “Party, party, Blair! Is this the type of dignified function I can look forward to attending with you in the future?” In addition to being in love with Louis, Blair’s minder is awfully mouthy. Minus 2
• Once again, Chola is the only cater waiter working a large event. Minus 2
• This doesn’t prevent her from sitting down for a nice catch-up chat with ChIvy. Minus 2
• Also, why on earth would ChIvy sit down and talk to her? Make an excuse, claim sudden-onset diarrhea, anything to get out of there! Minus 8
• If CeCe were really dying, we doubt she’d be doing it without informing her daughters — think of the guilt she could provoke! — or in a location with so many pastel florals.
• Of course Serena and Georgina, together, are going to walk in on Blair and Dan kissing. Don’t these people know that you can’t do anything without the exact wrong people sneaking up behind you while you’re doing it? Minus 10
• Blair reacts to getting caught by getting angry. “It’s not my fault he kissed me,” she shrieks, then responds to Serena saying she was acting like she was in high school, with, “Says the girl in the Constance uniform,” forgetting that it was she who wrestled her into that outfit. Minus 5, because any situation where Serena is the voice of reason is a bad situation indeed.
• And wait: Where is the real Gossip Girl? How is she allowing this sham to go on without her? Minus 15
Serena’s continued plays for her disinterested stepbrother Dan helped push this episode over to the real side. Next week: Will the real Charlotte Rhodes please stand up?