Gossip Girl Recap: ‘I’m a Sadist, Not a Masochist’

Gossip Girl

Cross Rhodes
Season 5 Episode 16

Gossip Girl

Cross Rhodes
Season 5 Episode 16
Photo: Nicole Rivelli/The CW

Beloved commenters, Jessica Pressler is currently indisposed and so was unable to compile the Gossip Girl Reality Index this week. She will be back next week. In the interim, we asked Lila Winters, also the commenter known as brooklyn_for_life, to fill in. We know it could go without saying, but please, be kind.

There comes a time, even on Gossip Girl, when stories must end, when tough-as-nails alcoholic grandmothers must pass into the light, when Amazonian “It” girls and newly minted Princesses must both acknowledge that their high school obsessions might not be their long-term life partners, and when ChIvys must cede way to Cholas. These stories end so new ones can begin. On last night’s episode of Gossip Girl, there was more of the usual — Serena and Blair bickering, Chuck seducing, Nate pursuing a woman who doesn’t really answer to the name Charlie Rhodes — along with a big helping of the final: ChIvyGate came to an end, as did CeCe and Blair’s denial (this Dair thing, it is really happening). On to the reality index.

More Real Than Rufus Storing His Everyman’s Jacket in Brooklyn

  • Of course Dan’s new book is a monarchy-inspired, alternate history of Manhattan. It probably focuses on an evil overlord named Prince Blass. Plus 5
  • Dorota locks two skinny socialites in a room with a full buffet and no one eats a thing. Plus 3. Dorota would remember that locking a dueling Serena and Blair in an enclosed space together has worked before. Plus 2
  • ChIvy is too bereaved for sequins, but not for a shiny necklace the size of a breastplate. Plus 2
  • Like the rest of her family, Chola makes a very private phone call in a very public place and threatens to press felony charges. Plus 5
  • Alessandra makes a writing-process reference during sex games with Chuck. He really can turn anyone into a dirty talker. Plus 2
  • Dan is game to have his book mocked in public because Bret Easton Ellis already did it. Plus 15
  • Re: Chuck. “That’s the guy from Twilight, right?” No points, but my mom is pretty astute.
  • Carol spent months at a yoga retreat but still walks like a lumberjack. Plus 4
  • Stomping out bugs sounds an awful lot like murdering butterflies. Plus 5 for consistency in Blair’s relationship metaphors.
  • “Charlie gets around.” “Yeah.” Plus 8
  • Plus 7 for the absolute silence during the UCB performance of Inside. Who wouldn’t want to watch a train wreck happen in real time?
  • “Dan loves me for me.” Sorry, Chair fans. Plus 100. And for the way both Dan and Blair’s faces (or, really, Badgley and Meester’s) both get more wholesome and relaxed every time they play a scene together. Plus 20. And for the way Blair says, “Humphrey, how can this happen?” Plus 5. And for the way Dan says, “It couldn’t be horrible, it’s you,” to Blair, as though his falling in love with her has made her perfect and perfectly unwicked, which is something he would think. Plus 3
  • “What do you mean that cater girl is your cousin?” Blair can still go from heartfelt to venomous in .1 second flat. Plus 4
  • Her grandmother is dying and Chola takes refuge in Nate’s arms. She really is a Rhodes. Plus 6
  • Blair loves Serena more than Chuck and Dan combined. Plus 10. But not enough to not kiss Dan right in front of Serena’s face minutes after Serena tells her letting the two of them be together is going to be hard for her. Plus 20
  • Lily’s face contorts in agony during CeCe’s final moments, but Rufus’s face doesn’t move for the entire third act. Plus 5

Total: 231

Faker Than Blair Wearing a Fur Vest and Eating Bacon for Breakfast

  • For most of the episode, Serena is the voice of reason . Minus 50
  • Head to clothes, CeCe is a sickly shade of gray. Even on her death bed, the real Celia Rhodes would have remembered to get her hair done and wear a sparkly brooch. Minus 4
  • Nate is so honest that he tells Chola about his non-fling with ChIvy, but fails to comment on Chuck’s VerySpecialHaircut. Minus 8
  • Since when is Nate smart enough to check his call history to see whom Chola dialed? Minus 3
  • And after hearing the person on the other end say “Stealing someone’s identity is a felony,” would you really just hang up the phone? Minus 2
  • Chuck made a joke about Driving Miss Daisy. As if he ever watches movies about the help. Minus 7
  • And then he says the words, “Party on.” He’s trying to take down Dan, not impersonate the poor man’s version of Nate. Minus 10
  • “Sabrina” tells “Clair” that she’s never cared what people think of her. With the exception of Chuck and a tiara, that’s the only thing Blair has ever cared about. Minus 12
  • From one Rhodes woman to a wannabe Rhodes woman: “What would everyone think?” “You better hope that they don’t.” The jokes really do write themselves. Minus 10
  • Where was Eric???? Minus 25
  • And what was Blair doing at CeCe’s deathbed? She may be “family,” but she’s not actually family. Minus 3
  • By the end of this episode, Blair’s eye shadow had entered Twisted Sister territory. Minus 5
  • So, this Chola/Chivy storyline has been going on for a year and it gets resolved in five minutes in a hospital waiting room, setting up another story line in which the Van Der Woodsens have to take in a prickly chick who doesn’t really go by the name Charlie and who is already smooching on Nate? Okay. Let us know when the second story line about Serena accidentally “killing” a guy is ready to go. Minus 20
  • No one thought to call William Van der Woodsen and trade sexual favors for a magic cancer pill? Minus 5. Because he will be back next week. 
  • Chuck got beat at his own game by Dan.  Minus 10 because it’s only temporary.

Total: 174

Serena Van der Woodsen, rocket scientist, almost sent us into the fake, but Blair getting her groove back pushed this episode firmly over to the real side. Next week: CeCe’s will. Who gets the gin?

Gossip Girl Recap: ‘I’m a Sadist, Not a Masochist’