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Who Has the Best Chance of Angering the FCC at the Super Bowl, Madonna, Nicki Minaj, or M.I.A.?

On Sunday, the small fraction of the country not watching the Puppy Bowl will have the opportunity to watch Madonna, Nicki Minaj, and M.I.A. (plus, possibly, Cee Lo and LMFAO) strut around the Super Bowl halftime stage. For an event so scrutinized by family values groups and terrified network censors, this year’s lineup of performers seems like a fairly risky one. If one Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” could set off a national firestorm, imagine what might happen if Madonna decides (as she has in the past) to kiss one of her female sidekicks? What if she brings another babydoll to breastfeed, like in the “Give Me All Your Luvin” video? Nicki and M.I.A. are not exactly uncontroversial performers, either, and rumored guests LMFAO seem like the kind of group that would show up center stage at the Super Bowl and do something really dumb, like moon the nation. Really, it’s anyone’s guess as to what complaints the parents will have come Monday morning — but we have a few bets as to what might happen. So when you call your bookie to place your bet on the game, why not lay down action on the following possible halftime controversies? PTC members, your markers are welcome, too.

Possible Madonna Offenses:
- wearing a cross or other religious symbol while dancing provocatively, 2:1
- aggressive crotch thrusting (see 1:55 of the “Give Me All Your Luvin” video), 5:1
- actual crotch flash as result of aggressive thrusting, 50: 1
- breastfeeding a doll, 30: 1
- writhing around on the floor, VMAs-style, 50: 1
- kissing Nicki Minaj or M.I.A., 60: 1
- reading a selection from Sex, the book, to the children of America to commemorate its twentieth anniversary, 100:1

Possible Nicki Minaj Offenses:
- wearing a form-fitting latex outfit that shows off her famous posterior, 1:1
- wearing an insane, Gaga-like costume involving sparkles, food products, technology, or some combination thereof, 3:2
- wearing a thong, 10: 1
- going off script and rapping a verse of “Stupid Hoe,” without bleeps, 20: 1
- bringing Eli Manning out for a lap dance, 40:1
- going off script and rapping her “Dance (A$$) Remix” verse, without bleeps, 500:1

Possible M.I.A. Offenses:
- looking bored and filing her nails, 7:1
- using a real firearm to make those gunshot noises, 20:1
- firing the gun into the audience while doing so, 200:1
- pausing the performance to lecture the audience on Sri Lankan politics, 100:1

Possible LMFAO Offenses:
- wearing novelty T-shirts that read “we’re stoned right now” (or something equally unclever), 5:2
- mooning the audience, 10:1
- pretending to hump some stuffed animal or unlucky field dancers, 50:1

Possible Cee Lo Offenses:
-getting fed up with the whole situation, stripping down to his underwear, and performing the uncensored version of “Fuck You,” 1000:1

Who Has the Best Chance of Angering the FCC at the Super Bowl, Madonna, Nicki Minaj, or M.I.A.?