Criminally Good Pizza, by Jaime Fernandez

I love pizza. It’s as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets!]. And I am lucky enough to live in the pizza capital of the United States: New York City! So I decided to take a tour of some of the best pizzerias in town. Come join me on this delicious journey and let’s stain some bedsheets together [strictly pizza related]. Hope it’s not too cheesy!!!

Vinny’s Pizza — Brooklyn: Vinny Rinaldi makes his mouth watering pies from an old wood-burning brick oven that he’s had since 1967. “They don’t make ovens like this no more. And that’s a shame because they cook the best pizza,” Vinny told me. I took one bite of his pizza and was hooked. I then told him, “They should call this place Pizza Heroin. Because I’m addicted! Although I’m assuming you’ve had a lot of experience with real heroin while drug trafficking in organized crime.” Vinny spit out his thin crust, violently pushed me to the ground and yelled, “Who the f-ck sent you! Are you wearing a f-cking wire? ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT!!!”Grade:B [wasn’t a fan of the crust]

Pizza Castle — Little Italy: The king of this Pizza Castle, Dominic Aiello, believes that good service is just as important as good pizza. He says, “I treat all my employees like family. And I expect them to treat the customers the same way.” “Family? Like a mafia?”, I innocently asked. The normally mild mannered Dominic immediately slapped me in the face with a half eaten calzone. While viciously kicking the appetite out of me, he repeatedly kept asking if I was SENT there by someone as his “family” began checking me for wires. Grade: B- [significantly lowered for poor service]

Mr. Slice Guy — The Bronx: Mr. Slice Guy himself, Frankie Russo, says he considers every pizza he makes a work of art. “The way Da Vinci used clay, I use pizza dough. The way Michelangelo used a paintbrush, I use…pizza dough.” After admiring the way Frankie effortlessly handled his pizza cutter, I had to ask the obvious question. “So Frankie, what came first for you? Slicing up pizzas? Or slicing up the body of Vinchenzo “The Bleeder” Mancini after you found out he was a government informant?” Immediately after the last word left my mouth, I was brutally hit in the back of a head with a pizza box. As I slowly regained consciousness I could hear Vinchenzo ask someone, “If he ain’t wearing any wires, why wuz he asking so many questions? HUH? F-CK IT! GET ME THE PIZZA CUTTA!”  Grade:Incomplete [due to memory and finger loss]

Grandma’s Pizza — Astoria, Queens: Sylvia Rossini, aka Grandma, gets her ingredients straight from the old country. “I get a shipment every week of tomato sauces from my nephews in Italy.” I thought about it for a second and then asked, “By sauces do you mean illegal contraband? And by nephews, do you mean the godfathers of the Rossini crime family?” The sweet old lady gingerly walked closer to me, put her hand inside my coat and whispered in my ear, “I better not find a f-cking wire in here.” Grade: THE BEST PIZZA IN NEW YORK CITY! A+ [there is no truth to the rumor that I gave out this grade in exchange for the safety of my wife and kids]

Jaime Fernandez has written and starred in the web-series Work Jerks, played the owner of a gun van in the last Grand Theft Auto game, and has a twitter page where words are strategically strung together to produce laughter.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Criminally Good Pizza, by Jaime Fernandez