Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Princess Dowry

“The Princess Dowry” GOSSIP GIRL Pictured (L-R) Michelle Trachtenberg as Georgina Sparks and Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey Photo: Giovanni Rufino/THE CW Network

This week, the usual love-story dramatics took a backseat to scheming— at least until the episode’s final minutes. We found out about Billy Baldwin’s infidelity with Carol and the real reason she hid her daughter; ChIvey evicted Lily and Rufus from the UES apartment she’s now inherited from CeCe; and Georgina passed the GG torch to Serena. But Queen B’s love saga did get its face time: She’s apparently taking a permanent break from Chuck (as permanent as her feelings get this season), her marriage to the prince is fixed via a couple word-of-mouth deals, she forgives Dan for releasing the video in about fifteen seconds, and finishes off the episode in a decidedly unpopular (as per our commenters) sticky kiss with the no-longer-just-“Humphrey.” Here’s the recap of the recap to hold us over until the next episode on April 2.  

Realer than Lily having to lay her pretty head at her hubby’s place in Brooklyn:

  • Since Season 1,”Mrs. Princess Grimaldi/ the ex-future Mrs. Bass” has been unsure of her lovelife. Here’s hoping that Serena and Chuck would hook up just for the sake of pissing off Blair and Dan.+100 
    The parallel between CB’s last scene in 2x25 and Dan’s “say it again” was just too cheesy, kind of the rotten cheese variety that makes me want to vomit. -100 
    So, Bart Bass who is a billionaire and now Rufus agreed to live in THEIR mother-in-law’s house? You are such a ballbuster Cece. Love ya mwwah! RIP.Lookin’ forward to your comeback as a ghost .+1000 
    Dearest Chuck my dream bad boy, Once again my heart was broken when Blair dumped you for the nth time. There are many fish in the sea, Bass(pun intended) . Love,Pink Salmon (Hell yeah!!!) + 100 –willyumarrymechuck
  • Props to Serena for wearing sleeves to Cece’s wake. –lisaturtle
  • Plus 5 for Georgina’s actual, literal, cleavage rhombus cut-out. –annstarrr
  • Blair was looking way better this episode, and she fixed her hair.   
    Hallelujah + 5  
    +10 for Lily having more compassion for her adopted son Chuck than any of her real children.  
    Also +20 for the inevitable return of Jack Bass. SUPER BASS –Sabbotage
  • April 2nd: A now “homeless” Lily moves into Chuck’s suite at the Empire, and 5 seasons of the most palpable sexual tension is finally unleashed. Plus 100. –NOTENOUGH
  • Don’t think I missed Lily slamming her drink onto the table, without a coaster, after ChIvy kicked her out. You better believe that’s going to leave a stain. Plus 20 for UES revenge, the way adults do it. –WhoWantsWaffles
  • +5 for the look on Lily’s face when she realized she was going to have to move to Brooklyn. –lisams81
  • Georgina’s unidentified man/lover/slave bore an uncanny resemblance to Rufus in his shawl collar sweater when bringing Georgina breakfast. Another Upper East Side house husband in the making. Plus 2. –househubby
  • Of course Serena would inherit Georgina’s mantle as Gossip Girl – Georgina’s cleavage trapezoid foreshadowed it. + 30 –losethetulip
  • I have this theory that whatever it is that Dan’s hair seems to be soaked in possibly emits a toxic scent that, when inhaled, causes people to become delusional, and that this must be what has happened to Blair. Therefore, if they introduced some sort of plot line where Dan had to get a haircut, Blair would regain her faculties. Plus one point for anyone who agrees. –blondephoenixrising
  • am I the only person who loves Dair? they’re so cute. +5 for two of the actors on this show who have possibly read a book in real life getting to kiss and hug each other on-screen. –bananarama
  • After ChIvy turns the the VanDerWoodsen-Humphrey’s out of their apartment, Rufus nearly jumps out of his sweater to remind Lilly of their ‘other’ apartment in the city. Finally, he has something to offer in the marriage aside from waffles and he’s excited. +1 –tartinegramercy
  • I thought Georgina was away vacationing on a beach last week? She sure looks hella pale still. -10 
    And she already needs a mental health day, 3 days after returning. Yup, she is a housewife. +20 
    It seems that Georgina has finally gotten over the Gossip Girl learning curve. +5 for the return of slightly psychotic, badass Georgie. -15 fro that meaning she is leaving us soon. We all know the writers can’t maintain a bamf character for long. –chuckismypuppy
  • Plus 10 for Ed Westwick’s “smell the fart” acting reaching new levels in the scene where Blair walks away from him. Can you sprain a nostril? If so, he needs to insure those bad boys immediately. –rhondarhodes
  • LOL obviously William Van Der Woodsen slept with Carol. He had an affair with a transexual on Dirty Sexy Money. Plus 20. –serenaownsme
  • Plus four for Ivy Dickens! You go Ivy Dickens! 
    …. and none for Carol Rhodes. –cindab

Faker than an Irish-Catholic wake in WASP-Land:

  • I’ve just read some data survey — Chair to Dair fans ratio is 55:45. That’s really bad news for the writers. They managed to split the audience in half. Whatever they do, they will be eaten alive. For some it might be too late to jump the cute Dair ship back to sexy Chair. –Cinderelle
  • At this point in time, I want to just start shipping a couple that the writers will never go for; Cherena. Hell, at this point I almost wish they’d bring Vanessa back, so I could watch the creepy sexual tension between her and Rufus. Anything is more palatable than Dair. –hell0lust
  • Also, -25 if the GG hair and makeup team don’t give Chola an UES makeover in the next few episodes….that limp, stringy hair has got to go. –ilovechuck
  • I’m calling shenanigans on everything Nate did this episode: 
    Correctly adding up the number of hours since the ChIvy/Chola bomb dropped? Minus 5 
    Knowing that Vanilla Sky is a movie and not a flavor of gelato? Minus 3 
    Wearing pants to bed? Minus 2 
    Finding his way to the kitchen without getting lost? Minus 10 
    The only real things he did were pretending to have a job and plying a low-rent Rhodes with dessert because the rest of them would rather wear name brand clothes than eat more than spoonful or two of sorbet. So a reluctant Plus 2 
    Also, it’s been over a year since he fired Ivan. Chuck’s kinky fantasies might show him where the coffee is, but to actually make it? Minus 8 
    Although, it does prove how heartbroken he is if his closest relationship is with that espresso machine. Plus 3 –brooklyn­­_for_life
  • If only the CW could afford an A-list Baldwin, not B-list. Just think: Jack Donaghy could have walked into that wake, downed a whiskey, and straightened out the whole damn mess with one gravelly monologue. Minus 100, for forcing us to imagine the eventual scene where Serena has to say, You mean you’re my dad AND my uncle? You mean YOU’RE my cousin AND my SISTER? Just…ick. ­–Tartine_Gramercy
  • Did anyone else notice Nate’s mysteriously swollen upper lip in the earlier scenes? Plus 10 if it was because he’s following in Rufus’ Botox-happy footsteps because, of course. If any of the young men can identify with one’s only value being there to look pretty and cater to his woman, it’s our resident golden retriever. –lizhunter
  • Did anyone else think that when Blair and Dan kissed at the end, and Blair kept repeating “Dan” it reminded you of a less-spectacular, cheesy, almost gross version of 2x25? When Blair and Chuck were kissing and “I love you” was repeated? 
    Minus 10 for recycling material and making this “Chair” knock-off, but there again with low ratings and probably the equivalent of a quarter of a brain among the writers, what do you really expect? –ellevictrola
  • Anyone ever been to a MAC counter? Try to convince me that Blair doesn’t get her makeup done there. 
    A mess! Her face and brain have been scrambled. –CallMe
  • Where is the gin? Where, I say! This is Cece. I’d be surprised if her will didn’t stipulate that she be pickled and preserved in Tanqueray! Minus 10 –ImCharlieTrout
  • minus 50 for the bad health this show brought me as I threw up in my mouth every time Dan and Blair kissed –LUNCHBREAKFANTASY
  • Blair tells her royal minder that she wishes the best for Louis. You mean the guy that trapped you in a loveless marriage on threat of bankruptcy? That guy? Seriously what has happened to her this year? Any other season and Louis would be lisping from a shallow grave by now. Minus 200. –feed­_the_ducks
  • Georgina handing over the reigns of Gossip Girl to Philip feels a lot like the writers handing over the GG script to monkeys… -1 hour of my life that I will never get back. –gumdropcookies
  • Blair watches an employee of the Monaghasque Royal Family talk into a phone to broker her annulment. She then does not call Louis or Sophie or their lawyers herself, or contact Cyrus, or check her phone to see if Cyrus called her about this very same, very important topic, as he was supposed to do that day, and she agrees to abide by the the terms this person sets out for her. Despite the fact that there was a lengthy written, notarized contract that got her into this mess, Blair considers this a legitimate deal and concludes that her marriage is now over.  MINUS 500. –PurpleandGreen  
  • And, as a major fan of The O.C., I’m offended that the GG writers are trying to Seth & Summer this Dair thing. First with the essay, now with the waiting-to-have-sex-and-it’s-terrible storyline. Dan and Blair are no Seth and Summer and they never will be. Minus 50. –brandie_larue
  • Serena corrected her father on the name of a country in Africa. -8 because Serena would totally think Africa is a country not a continent. ­–hoyagirl05

For next week’s ROTR post, e-mail sarah.lawson[at]nymag.com your favorite meme for a chance to pick the best comments for the post. Cover letters and general flattery appreciated.

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Princess Dowry