The past month has seen some notable romantic developments for two of television’s most desperate bachelors not named Ben. Tom Haverford, the lovably cheesy single gentleman on Parks and Recreation, has finally managed to lock down the begrudging affections of one Ann Perkins. Meanwhile, New Girl’s lovably cheesy single man Schmidt has more or less won exclusive rights to CeCe’s nighttime activities — or, at least, the right to proclaim that he is sleeping with her, if only to a room full of strangers. For two guys who spend most of their time discussing hair products and making up cutesy nicknames, these are major victories. In fact, it’s still a little astounding that two guys with such a grating, cribbed-from–The Game pickup style have actually found themselves in relationships with functional adult women. But apparently, this douchebag-with-a-heart-of-gold game works. So below, a quick primer on how to woo the ladies, Tom-and-Schmidt-style. Use with caution.