Late last week, Stephen Colbert announced the next step in his march to Super PAC dominance: the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack, a starter kit for college students to get involved with his fundraising efforts. It includes such vital fundraising supplies as a Turtles Don’t Like Peanut Butter t-shirt and a sign that says “If this Super PAC is Caucusing, Don’t Bother Knockusing.” You know, standard political stuff. Additionally, it’ll come with a treasure map that will lead to real-deal treasure, with the treasure being a free appearance by Colbert himself at your school. The Super Fun Pack is available for preorder now for a minimum donation of $99. The full press release from the Super PAC is below.
Dear Super Paclettes, This newsletter is for college-aged Colbert Super PAC supporters only. So if you’re currently struggling to pay off your crippling student loan debt, instead of just accruing it, please move along. Yo, youth-peers! Did you guys see my Tumblr where I podcasted a glitchpop/dubsteb mashup of Skrillex and Dangermou5 over Vimeo clips of Maru and Super Troopers? My Minecraft is XKCD, and Boing Boing Words With Friends Lana Del Rey! Okay, that should shoo all the old folks away. Luckily, young people, like you and me, know that made perfect sense. I started my Super PAC because I wanted to give everyday Americans a voice: mine. Now, you have the opportunity to have your own voice-of-mine. With the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack, you can get a Super PAC of your very own. As seen on T.V, the Fun Pack is a limited edition, genuine corrugated cardboard box containing everything you need to start that Super PAC*. You’ll get the F.E.C. paperwork, a detailed instruction manual, and of course, an allen wrench. Before you know it, you’ll be receiving and spending unlimited corporate, union, and individual donations like a pro! You’ll also get an official Turtles Don’t Like Peanut Butter T-Shirt, a set of Colbert Super PAC socks, and a sign for your dorm room door that reads, “If this Super PAC is Caucusing, Don’t Bother Knockusing.” Best of all, there’s also an actual treasure map, which when actually followed, will lead to an actual treasure. And whichever new Super PAC founder discovers the treasure first wins the ultimate prize: an actual visit to your actual college campus by actual Stephen Colbert. That’s right, not the Venezuelan lookalike I send to mall openings and congressional subcommittees – you’ll get the real deal. Plus, there will be even more goodies added as soon as my lawyers approve. Although they’ve already informed me that sending live monkeys though the mail is illegal, so we’ve had to scrap plans for a Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack Macaque. So what are you waiting for? Why bother finishing this email? There’s nothing interesting in the rest of this letter! Go to www.colbertsuperpac.com today, and pre-order your Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack now! Non-legally-bindingly yours, Stephen ColbertPresident and Pharaoh of Pyramid SchemesAmericans for A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow PS - Boobs. Sorry, I lied when I said there weren’t any more interesting things in this letter. *Other than a sense of purpose. That’s up to you.