Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Con Heir

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/2012 THE CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

This week, Chola takes up with the UES lot, Serena gets fired and loses the GG helm after two posts, and Blair and Dan work through some bedroom sputters in a Brooklyn “alley.” Meanwhile, Jack Bass returns (to the delight of the message board), and Chuck turns his sleuthing to his own case. Conflict comes to a head between Chivey and the Van der Woodsens (as well as between some of our commenters), and William looks tempted to reveal his daddy-ness to Chola.

After a month off, commenters have some fresh sense to offer as this wildly far-fetched plot rolls on. But however genius their observations, it looks like the GG writers still aren’t reading the recap of the recap:

Realer Than Jack Bass’s Hep C coming from Pam Anderson:

  • Jack Bass has all the zings, I love him, can we just have a spin off called Jack Attack where Jack Bass and Billy Baldwin have zany adventures, with guest stars Alec Baldwin and Chuck popping up from time to time?  
    Oh and Georgina of course. It’ll be like a poor man’s Hustle –SABBOTAGE
  • Serena has 4 minutes to save her family’s inheritance but fails because she can’t resist stopping to soak up compliments about her body. She feels no remorse afterward because obviously she couldn’t help it. Plus 5. –BETABLAIR
  • “You weren’t there to wrap it” — Blair handing a present to Dorota, plus 2 ­–SHATTUCK004
  • So Blair Waldorf, who loves scheming and loves sex, could not come up with a scheme within a month to find somewhere to have sex? Kinda wack. However, maybe her brain has a block on hotels, as they remind her of a penthouse-dwelling individual from her past. So fine, they can have a +1. –LISABING
  • Considering the excessive amount of subway ads warning the sexually active to get tested for Hep C, Jack Bass’s “Magic Johnson Experiment” has an eerie amount of reality. Plus 5 
    But…Minus 5 for Chuck believing that a Bass could ever donate blood. Only scotch, liquid smarm, and debauchery run through their veins. BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Chuck: “I just had an interesting conversation with Nate.” 
    Jack: “It’s about time he confessed his true feelings for you.”  
    Best lines, so far this season! LOL ­–HURRAHTHESCARFISBACK
  • William VDW’s scarf as he’s walking down the street talking to his baby mama Carol, is clearly one of Cece’s. Looks like Ivy’s not the only one to score big from her will! +100 –ILOVELINCOLNHAWK
  • +20 for the look of sheer contempt Lily shot Blair when she arrived at the loft in her underwear; part of me thinks it had to do with Lily second-guessing her shift to Humphrey-land, the other part of me thinks it’s Momma Bear fiercely protecting her favourite cub — Charles… Or it could be that Lily is just thinking *damn girl, why did you leave Chuck Bass for THAT* ie: l’ll have at it myself! –SHARKSWEATERVEST
  • +1,000 for Pressler no longer tagging GG recaps with “The Greatest Show of Our Time”. It’s tough to let go of some beloved myths, but it really was necessary, and way past time. –APATHYONMYSIDE
  • When I saw Ivy on the couch sadly eating cake, her life flashed in front of me like that montage from the Six Feet Under finale. Thirty cats. Mismatched decor. And red wine stains from cocktail parties gone wrong EVERYWHERE. –WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • I totally thought the next plotline would involve Chuck having contracted HepC, thereby giving him ANOTHER near-death experience. I’d say “thank goodness that didn’t happen” — but like Ivy, I know better than to count my chickens before they show up at a party. –GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • “Sometimes you gotta throw away the first pancake.” 
    Of course Dan would compare his embarrassing sexual failure to breakfast foods. 
    + 10, because nothing makes a Humphrey man feel more confident than batter and syrup –KMC032
  • Lily literally praises Rufus at some length for picking up CeCe’s necklace and handing it to her. I do enjoy these little glimpses into how she makes him feel useful. Plus 5. –PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Plus 500 if at the end of the year we find out that this whole season was Lily’s nightmare. Think about it: her mother dies, she’s forced out of her home, her one reasonable child is hanging out in the Hamptons with the Graysons, she’s now living in Brooklyn and, worst of all, she now knows more about Dan’s sex life than anyone should ever have to know. –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • +5 for William ‘Baldwin’ van der Woodsen being a giant perve. Lola looked a bit freaked out at the end, but I guess she doesn’t realise she’s his kid. 
    +5 for Blair telling Dan he is hyper-verbal. ‘I’m hearing this, and I want to hear this.’ 
    +5 for Nate firing Serena. This is how silly GG has become. –GRUMPYGODDESS
  • Of course Dorota questioned Dan’s anatomical limitations, everyone knows Muppets have no genitalia. –THENEXT_MRSBASS
  • Dan and Nate have a “be like Don Draper” pact +5 –LISAMS81
  • When Chuck references Jack’s time in England, Jack winks and is all “it was an all boys boarding school. Everyone tries it.” We now have confirmation that both Bass boys have fooled around with guys! +5 because FINALLY. –HAZEL_IS_UGLY

 Faker Than Freezing a Bank Account via ESP:

  • Lola: “Well, I have to get to class.” 
    Really, writers? Let’s be real. Minus 5 –NOTENOUGH
  • Remember when there was speculation that the bad Dair sex might be an emotional thing, around the fact that Blair lost a baby not very long ago? And might therefore have some intimacy issues? Yeah, no, it was just good ol’ bad sex, lol, rofl, etc. Minus 100. –LISABING
  • Blair was never pregnant. I don’t know what you are talking about. 
    (That is what the writers want us to say, right?) –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Ivy: Do you take credit cards? 
    Waiter: Sorry Miss, we don’t. 
    [Still from invoice] ‘3% credit card fee if credit is used’ 
    ‘Payment Method [Type CC or Cash or Check]’ 
    Minus 10 for that oversight. Minus 50 that my life has come to noticing things like this. –WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • Drunken sex was a sacred thing of beauty now marred by the horror that was Dan and Blair. Minus 20. –STILETTO33
  • -5 for the nurse’s Rainman-like ability to remember the blood donor status of any and all patients at a large hospital. “Jack Bass was the one that gave you blood? *cue horrified face*” That nurse clearly hadn’t inspected Jass’s entire medical record. How did she just KNOW? That genius nurse needs a raise. –ANNSTARRR
  • No points, but I see Serena ‘arms of steel’ van der Woodsen can easily open a large cardboard box containing a laptop with one hand. I could make a joke involving Serena and her ability to handle big packages but I won’t. Because we all know what it is anyway. –WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • I think Nate wants to go it alone and not get handouts from friends. Side note: Is there not a plastic surgeon either in the GG world or in real life that could help with his lip injury slash herpes breakout? Minus 50. 
    Um there’s a Be Like Don Draper pact? How is Dan involved? He certainly doesn’t have the hair, the wardrobe, or the swagger. He looks more like something Don would glare at as he walked past the copy-writing room. Minus 20 for his presumption. –LDCLUNA
  • The Jack Bass Hospital Pavilion would be the most terrifying place to go for medical treatment of all time. You’d go in for a routine procedure and come out missing a kidney sold on the black market and with an exciting new STD. Surely even Chuck would see that donating a hospital wing in Jack’s name helps no one. Minus 50. –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Blair better have a f*cking brain tumor is all I have to say because NO. Just no. 
    Thank God for the Fabulous Bass Boys. –OPHELIA1999
  • Blair Waldorf goes from kinky sex, role playing, silk sheets & blindfolds with a man who can make her orgams by simply brushing her clavicle bone with his hand, to a man who wrote slimy fanfiction about her in vodka induced, dirty elevator sex, IN BROOKLYN?! Oh the mighty do fall hard. -10 –JJOVANA3
  • Serena is ridiculous. When Nate fired her, she was all “I’m sorry. I had to help my family.” Help them do what? Get millions richer while your fellow co-workers get laid-off and are forced to downgrade from ramen to crackers? Minus 25. 
    My mom noticed that this is the second time Serena’s been fired this season. That’s just sad. Minus 10. 
    If Gossip Girl created the blog and its linked to her email as most personal blogs are, all she has to do is click Forgot Password and then change it. But I wouldn’t expect a Bing lover to comprehend that so… Minus 20. 
    I really liked that line: “You look like a million bucks before taxes.” I was SO impressed that I felt flattered and compelled to bashfully say “Oh thank you.” Yes, I’m weird. –LDCLUNA
  • Considering that Dan’s hair is basically a sentient being at this point, maybe the sex was bad because Blair and Dan just unknowingly had a threesome? Minus 30. –FEED­_THE­_DUCKS
  • You know Florida Trash like Ivy wouldn’t think about hiring a decorator. That girl would just open up a Pottery Barn catalog and go nuts. – 10 –GIRLINSC
  • Whenever Ivy chokes out a line she sounds like she’s having a very painful bowel movement.  –NEELYO
  • Sending private information to a person’s office is a sure way of making sure it gets read by everyone or at least the receptionist, so why did Georgina courier the GG computer to Serena at the office. - 20 
    And Lily mentions having Serena’s mail and packages being forwarded from the apartment, Serena has been living with Blair for how many months now? Hasn’t it been almost a year? -10  –ANUNKINDRAVENBASS

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Con Heir