recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Despicable B

Gossip Girl
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/CW

This week, Serena gets a new “sis” and Chuck’s new mommy may not be so. Lily is back to scheming and Jack Bass may be Dada-de-Chuck, much to our commenters’ delight. And it looks like GG writers may even be (finally) reading the Vulture recaps and comments?! Commenters have a few predictions of who might be Chuck’s elusive mommy … or at least which GG stars of yesteryear could return for the sexiest hookups. But alas we’re starting to tire of the Bass parentage story line and exponentially more so of Blair and Dan’s asexual banter. Perhaps next week we’ll get some spice from Chair — until then, the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Blair’s Personal Therapy Consisting of Ingesting Bad Press About Her Friends

  • Lily finally transforms into the stone-cold villainess she’s always meant to be. She’s basically just an ice statue in a statement necklace. Plus 200 for Lily embracing her Rhodesdestiny. First step paying people off, next step gin consumption. –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Nate’s immediate reaction upon getting caught in Diana’s hotel room is to strip. You can take the man whore out of the cougar, but y-…oh, wait, I guess you can’t. Plus 2. –IMCHARLIETROUT
  • Promo for next episode shows Chuck & Blair matching clothes, role playing & scheming together. If there is anything B loves more than Chuck, thats scheming. +10. Additional points if all that leads to hot, sober sex because we all know Humdrum is not delivering. –JJOVANA3
  • Next week on Gossip Girl: Maury Povich cameos for a very special episode of “You are NOT the father!” +5 because where is Maury Povich now and why aren’t his people jumping all over this? –AMMON
  • Chivy makes a heartfelt plea to stay part of Lily’s family. Lily tenderly takes Chivy’s hands in hers and … firmly says “good bye”. This is actual Rich Person Behavior when they want someone to GTFO. +20 
    Diana finds Nate in her room, they immediately have sex, then Nate sneaks out at his earliest opportunity. REAL. +20 –MULETTA
  • Rufus passive-aggressively shows Lily he is mad at her by passing her regular glasses instead of champagne flutes. +5 –GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Of course sulking Serena wears flats +2 –CHAM
  • I’m choosing to beleive that using NYMag to make Blair realize she’s a shell of her former self is a nod by the writers to this recap and our rantings about Blair. Especially since the ratings make it look like everyone who till watches this show reads ths recap. If this is actually the catalyst to bringing back the Blair we used to love then +1000 for all of us. –MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • Nate fervently digs through Diana’s underwear drawers in search of, what, a diary with her real identity written inside? Plus two, because Diana does comport herself like a fourteen year old boy crazy high school student. –TUCKERNUCK
  • Nate knows that in the face of true love, there’s no shame in using sex/your body to help your soulmate. Plus 20. Chate FTW. –KANGAROOTATTOO
  • We’ve known for some time now that the GG staff reads the Vulture recaps. But what this episode made clear is that they also read all the comments. +1,000 for all of us. –APATHYONMYSIDE
  • Nate 
    did anything else happen in the episode? I can’t remember 
    good heavens –HATINONTHECLUB
  • With every episode I grow more sure that Cece is possessing Lily and I could not be more excited about it. I would say we’ll need an old priest and a young priest by the season finale but a) why would anyone want to get rid of Ghost Cece? and b) given this show’s track record for variably accented priests, I think it’s better to just stick with an old Bass & a young Bass. +15
    Chuck and Nate’s love is so true that they’ve already gotten past the whole “motherchucker” thing to the point where they can joke about it. “I’ve already screwed your mom…” “But I don’t need to.” That’s real love, folks. There won’t be any delayed reaction grudge-holding here. +5 
  • Plus 2 for the writers managing to get the term “scot-free” into an official van der Woodsen family dinner that excluded Scott. –PURPLEANDGREEN

Faker Than Gossip Girl Sitting Back With Serena at the Helm, Scribbling the Password on Giant Post-its

  • Please Dan would never make the highbrow brilliant section of the reality matrix. We’ve heard portions of his book. It is like what would happen if you mashed a high school diary together with A Thousand Shades of Gray. Minus 100. ­–FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Criminal underuse of Ed Westwick in this episode. Despicable and lowbrow! –OSCARMAO
  • *At this point, Nate is a motherchucker while Blair is fatherchucker. -10 –JJOVANA3
  • Dorota is now referring to moppet head by his name? No. He will forever be lonely boy. -1 
    Rufus again consoles himself with the melancholy strumming of his old friend the acoustic guitar. Rufusuicide is impending. +2 for reality, only -1 if this happens. –BETCHPLZ
  • It’s almost like the van der Woodsens are some LARP freaks pretending they’re the Lannisters because they’re rich, blonde and inbred enough. –SERENAOWNSME
  • NATE is the one who puts together that Jack might be playing with them? NATE??? -1000. What has this show become? –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • The sadder Serena’s life, the larger her purse. She is not the Queen. What exactly is she carrying around in there? CeCe’s gin? Gossip Girl? Marsellus Wallace’s soul? Eric? Minus 3 –BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • William decides to have an intimate and discrete meeting with his new-found daughter who nobody should know about at that precise moment… at a restaurant in upper Manhattanin front of the clearest and largest glass pane window ever. -10 because NO. –ISLANDGUY
  • The mounting absurdity of familial sexual ties is turning this show into “Big Love” on the UES. Replace prairie outfits and sister-wives with cleavage rhombuses and Louboutins, and, voila! Minus 5 –IMCHARLIETROUT
  • Nate figured out how to use the french press…? No. Minus 5. –STILETTO33
  • Lily sure transformed quickly into a cold, shrewd, blunt matriarch. You could almost see CeCe’s ghost sitting on her shoulder, nodding approvingly while sipping gin. -5 because it was a missed opportunity to have a little CeCe cartoon with red devil horns. –PIECEOFBASS

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Despicable B