Photo: Patrick Harbron/The CW
This week, several plotlines took some significant turns — Blair discovered that Chuck paid her dowry; Chuck was thwarted yet again in the hunt for his blood donor; Diana returned; Lola was made into the UES’s newest “It” girl. As usual, though, it was other details that caught our eye — Chuck’s red onesie, Liz Hurley’s man hands, Blair sporting cubic zirconia for even a minute and a half. In the commenter circle, Nate’s lip herp has been making quite a run — maybe even replacing the tenured clamor over Dan’s hair mop? Maybe not. In any case, we’re apparently going to Brooklyn next week for a Dair coming-out party. Until then, our decidedly UES recap of the recap:
Realer Than Exhibitionism Launching “It” Girls:
- “But hey, while we’re at it: Why did Blair have to come to the party to look for Chuck? Couldn’t she have called him?”
Because in the land of GG, where people have limo-teleporters that allow you to go from the UES to Brooklyn in 15.7 seconds, phones are absolutely unnecessary. I’ll take your minus 1 and make it a plus 15.7. –LPYCB42 - “You do NOT have the right to speak on my behalf,” Lily says brusquely to her house husband, who responds “I know,” without flinching. Emasculated male, thy name is Lonely Dad. Plus ten. –TUCKERNUCK
- Chuck’s red tracksuit looked like a giant baby onesie or like he was trying out to be in the next Cool Runnings bobsled team. It was insane. Plus 200 –FEED_THE_DUCKS
- Okay, maybe he got into some sort of lacrosse tussle but what is going on with Nate’s upper lip? For showing that even the coolest tabloid editors sometimes break out with the herp, a whopping, tingly plus 5. –SFOHNLSFO
- Ha! Like Dorota would ever be coerced by Dan Humphrey! -2. Don’t make her lose her mojo too!
VANYA IS STILL ALIVE! +200
At first I thought Lola’s gay bestie was Scott. -10 to me for even considering it. Everyone knows he went to the land of plot lines that never existed, just like Blair’s baby. –CHUCKISMYPUPPY - “Cubic zirconia does not touch this body.”-Blair.
“I thought you should get to fake being a princess one last time.”-Dan.
Awwww And THAT’S why he’s her one and only. He totally gets her. Plus 50….but Minus 50 because Chuck would’ve bought her an actual crown. Draw.
I couldn’t stop giggling when he shouted “Smile bigger!” to the Constance girls. He’s a total dork. Plus 10. –LDCLUNA - Chuck Bass drinks Gatorade out of tumblers. Nothing else. +2 –EAMCCRORY
- +5 for the flock of primary colored-clad prep schoolers looking actually like high schoolers as opposed to Serena who would put her color on top of last nights outfits
+3 for Nate’s secretary sounding exactly like Georgina
-2 for continuing to stick to the premise that blogs are somehow computer specific
+100 for having a character that implicitly accepts how awful all the people on the UES are by fleeing to Tibet. –DJORDAN - That picture of the NJBC sitting on Nate’s desk managed to warm my cold black heart. Bless you Man Bangs. Plus 2. –STILETTO33
- Blair quickly gets off the phone declaring she “needs to find Chuck” with complete urgency and starts to run out of the room. I can’t decide between minus 5 for when she slowly walks up to Chuck hours later with completely new hair, make up and outfit, or plus 5 because Queen B is confident that she’s gonna do the dirty with Chuck and must be ready for it. –HATINONTHECLUB
- Blair, on the Met steps with Donut Dan, wearing a bubblegum pink ruffly gown and a CZ crown, in broad daylight: “I’ve hit rock bottom.” Nothing realer has ever been said. Plus 100.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Chuck wanted Blair to find out about his payment of the dowry. He told Nate his secret after all and we all know Nate cannot keep a secret for more than 3 minutes. Well played, Bass. Plus 10. –BRANDIE_LARUE - Since the writers have used ‘it happened offscreen’ to excuse so many things this season, can we just transfer the whole Dan/Blair romance offscreen as well? Chuck’s kangaroo tattoo, on the other hand, I’d pay good money to see onscreen. –KANGAROOTATTOO
- The way GG referred to it made me wonder: Is the laptop itself the real Gossip Girl? Does it come alive at night? Does it have a crazy surveillance program like the cell phone sonar from “The Dark Knight”? No points, just questions. –PURPLEANDGREEN
Faker Than Lily’s Promise to Pay Up:
- Dear God, Chuck in that horrifying red hooded jumpsuit. Minus a zillion.
That is all. –THENEXT_MRSBASS - Also, there is no way Blair would be seen in public, looking like an absolute idiot, and making out with a guy who has pubes as hair. Sorry but no. Characters can only develop so much. Minus 10. –LPYCB42
- Wait, so now the two biggest schemers on the show are Serena and Nate? Has it really come to this? -20 –APATHYONMYSIDE
- When did Rufus become so sanctimonious? Who cares how Lily got Ivy out of the apartment? He contributes nothing to the relationship and should be happy Lily still allows him to dress like a farmer. -2
Is the makeup department incapable of hiding Chace’s herpes outbreak? -4 –HOYAGIRL05 - A ‘down to your skivy’s party’? Seriously, what is has this show become? -10
And when has the spectator EVER been a ‘well-oiled machine’? They have been around for like 6 months and have already had management and financial issues, along with a slew of other problems. -7
Omg Elizabeth Hurley’s old lady hands. I can’t. –CHUCKISMYPUPPY - “At first I didn’t know where you were, but then I thought I’d just look for the lingerie models.”-Blair to Chuck. And your point being? Minus 20 for her unwarranted condescending tone.
My reaction to seeing Chuck not wearing a suit, silk pajamas, or a silk robe: “What the f*ck is he wearing? He’s wearing a onesie. It’s a onesie! And I. Can’t. Stop. Staring.” Minus 1000.
Chuck got a kangaroo tattoo he didn’t know he had? I’m sorry but they need to find a way to squeeze in flashback episodes where we get to see fun-Chuck, because we hear a lot about this fictional fun-Chuck and he sounds WAY more interesting than everyone else on this show. Minus 20. –LDCLUNA - *Chuck Bass in a red onesie work-out gear. Your argument is invalid. Minus or Plus EVERY POINT EVER AWARDED.
*Blair mourns princess crown more than the miscarried baby. This new Dan-esque Blair has become the most unbearable character. -10
*Dan & Blair officially share the SAME hairstyle. -20
*REAL Blair we know & love would take that cubic zirconia, stomp on it then bleach/shave her head. -50 –JJOVANA3 - I love that Serena gives Chuck a pep talk about reconnecting with his mom. “Long lost family members are fun Chuck! You can use them as giant meat puppets to do what you want them too! It’s like having a doll that sort of looks like you, only less attractive!” Minus 20 for Chuck for listening to this advice. He has actually met before Serena right? –FEED_THE_DUCKS
- Minus 10 on behalf of sponsor Gatorade for the scene where Nate and Chuck take bottles of Gatorade out of the fridge (covering the label) and pour them into glasses! Product placement fail. –CANDYBEANS
- Serena is so awful, she makes a spayed Blair likable by comparison. +5
Roaming the streets of NYC in what appears to be lingerie does not make one an “It Girl.” Minus 5. If that’s the case, we’ve got a million of them and it depends on what qualifies as a “girl.” –CALLME - -5 for being so addicted to this recap (and it’s comments) that the first thing I thought of when Blair admonished Chuck for trading her for a hotel was rhondarhodes. –NYMAG_FAN
- Oh, how the “mighty” have fallen. Shall we count the ways?
Gossip Girl was once a god-like being, pulling invisible strings and doling out punishments. Now she’s but a tech-illiterate loser begging for her job back from Serena.
Blair, once Queen, finds herself standing on the site of former triumphs wearing a plastic tiara and a discount Sleeping Beauty Halloween costume. And she’s kissing Dan Humphrey.
Chuck has become a mere child, toddling around in a onesie looking for his mommy.
Serena, as this episode reminded us, was once an “It Girl.” Now she’s just the girl who gets fired, can’t even keep Dan Humphrey around, and had lingerie naming rights stolen from her by her cousin. But at least this one’s her real cousin.
Dan’s dating someone who claims to be Blair, but I’m not buying it. Go back to Season One Serena, Lonely Boy. Go back.
Things may appear to be looking up for Nate (who, let’s face it, was never very mighty), but don’t let the suit fool you. He’s back to being played by a cougar, is sleeping with Serena 2.0, and apparently drinks blue Kool-Aid for breakfast.
Lily had to spend at least one night in Brooklyn.
And then there is me, one single fan of a show that used to be so promising. I’ve gone from devouring every second of every episode like Rufus at a waffle bar to watching out of the corner of my eye while I play Draw Something with complete strangers.
Minus 20. XOXO –VINCE1178 - Minus A MILLION for that tasteless, meaningless “Thanks for setting me free” text that Blair sent to Chuck after the bitching at the party. He paid SO MUCH MONEY that he wasn’t liquid enough anymore to help Nate. For that kind of money, she could have at least called, right? –STELLA296
- I can’t believe none of you guys have commented on Blair returning to her bulimia. Clearly she vomits every time she has sex with Dan. Really disappointed in all of you for not caring about the character more. Sad minus 20. –OPHELIA1999
