Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Salon of the Dead

Gossip Girl
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

This week, the show’s writers dropped a bomb about Chuck’s parentage, Lola sniffs out Serena (characteristically careless about keeping her GG status on the DL), and Dair throws a doozie of a yuppiefest for their coming-out party (not even the onscreen crowd pays them much mind). The commenter circuit is all for Nate’s awkward new Mother Lover dynamic and for Rufus growing a pair (sort of). They also seem to agree that Blair and Dan’s pillow talk/sex life is a bloody mess. Some are even calling Queen B by her fan-fiction persona, Clare. Maybe Nate digging into Diana’s past next week will make up for Dair’s total lack of spice — until then, the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Lonely Boy Cleaning Up After His Own Salon

  • When Rufus is gone, Lily eats pancakes, not waffles. +5 –NYMAG_FAN
  • Nate being a motherchucker +20 –THEYCALLMESTACEY
  • When Chuck called Diana on banging Nate, she was just like “oh yeah, that” and Nate’s confused expression made it clear that Chuck had just reminded him. +10 for character consistency –APATHYONMYSIDE
  • Lola figured out Serena was gossip girl in two seconds? I must say I had to question whether she was truly a Rhodes for putting two and two together so quickly and using common sense. Then she went about concocting a scheme in the most ridiculous way possible which of course blew up on everybody’s faces. And balance was restored in the world, as was my belief in her bona fide Rhodes credentials. Plus 10. –KANGAROOTATTOO
  • Plus 3 for recognizing the nurse, who clearly has no sense of patient confidentiality, as one of the actresses from the JC Penney commercials. –WOOJORDAN
  • That outburst from Chuck was the first bit of real acting Ed Westwick has done in months. Kudos, Ed. –TWELVEOAKS
  • A big hearty LOL at Dan picking up glasses in the background of Chuck’s big scene. Once a caterwaiter… +4 –GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Man hands + linebacker shoulders + botox + unnecessarily bright and tight dresses = Diana is actually Chuck’s dad? Which is soapy and terrible, but could be made glorious and awesome if the writers rip off season two of Nip/Tuck and Chuck gets to snark excellent lines like, “Nate’s living in my house and screwing my mom, so I pretend he’s my dad.” 
    What do we need to do to make this happen? –BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Blair’s giddy expression when she was planning the salon made me realize exactly who Dan is to her. He’s not her boyfriend, he’s her gay best friend. Plus 10 because every 20 year old girl has one of those to plan parties and discuss art with, then it hits you that the no sex part kind of sucks and you go find yourself a man. Plus 10 more if it happens by the finale. –STILETTO33
  • Carole Lombard in My Man Godfrey is a dumb (completely clueless) socialite that picks up a homeless man and brings him home to live with her. It sounds more like Serena’s spirit animal then Blair’s, but if this is who Blair is channeling these days instead of Audrey Hepburn or Grace Kelly….that explains everything. –ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • Nate has to win as some sort of Gossip Girl hookup MVP at this point right? Blair, Serena, Vanessa, Jenny, that cougar he hooked for, Raina, some other random guest stars, Dan, Chuck, (because we know both of those happened) Fake Charlie Rhodes, Real Charlie Rhodes and now Chuck’s mom. It’s like he’s playing UES sexual bingo. Watch out Rufus, Lily and Dorota. He’s coming for you next! No wonder he has the herp. Plus 100 –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • When the Recap of Gossip Girl along with its comments consists of better thought-out, interesting, whimsical and unpredictable story lines and character developments than the entire 5 seasons of Gossip Girl combined. Will somebody please link the writers this recap? The ratings will skyrocket. –ELLEVICTROLA
  • Nate and Serena resolve their fight by both forgetting whether they are still in one. Plus 10. ­ ­­—PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Lily finally said the words to Rufus we have been waiting to hear: “With MY money”!! Plus a million. ­­–JLEWIS928
  • Chuck’s salon outfit matched the British theme, even though he didn’t know about it in advance. Plus 3 for psychic fashion stylings. –ANNSTARRR

Faker Than a Gossip Girl Leaving Her Passcode-Free iPhone Unguarded at a Party:

  • So “Serena” starts out to take the spotlight off herself by creating Lola the new It Girl, then suddenly turns on her creation in fury to ruin her. Then last night she stares, slackjawed, when Lola points out that Serena is the self-annointed Once and Future It Girl, anyway? No points, but I believe a careful re-watching of these critical plot points will reveal exactly when Real Serena was replaced by her Second Life avatar. –HAPPY_LOOKER
  • New drinking game: take a shot every time Chuck’s family history is rewritten. -10 –JJOVANA3
  • When Rufus said he used his own money to put Ivy up that was my one big laugh of the episode. Where did he get that money from? Is he out hustling waffles on the streets? Minus 30 –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • So new women can only be sucked into the UES by sleeping with Nate. Elizabeth Hurley, Chola, Juliette… you’d think Manbangs would develop a complex. ­­–MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • “I don’t want to end up knee-deep in fertilizer like Vanessa whats-her-name.” OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! That was so cold I bet Vanessa felt in Madrid. Plus 100. 
    “Tracy Anderson will be twisting my body into positions you couldn’t even imagine.”-Blair to Dan. I pictured a thought bubble over her head ending that with “because you’re not Chuck.” Minus 50, for not saying it out loud. 
    Blair and Dan’s “sleepover” involved conversation that would most likely put them to sleep. What the F is happening? When did they become a 90 year old married couple? Is this a path to Dan coming out of the closet because that was hands-down the gayest thing I’ve ever seen him do — and that includes all of his sexually-charged banter with Chuck. Minus a billion. Beds are not for debate. –LDCLUNA
  • No Chuck until a full thirty minutes in. Minus 100 –OSCARMAO
  • In New York City random strangers, especially semi-regionally famous hipster strangers, do NOT start conversations with other random strangers. That never happens. Never. -50 –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Daniel Humphrey does not belong in those beautiful golden silky sheets. HE JUST DOES NOT. Minus a kabillion. –LPYCB42
  • Lily to Rufus: “The UES has all the comforts I want: clean sidewalks, Bergdorf Goodman, and people whose sole job it is to open doors…but it doesn’t have you.” Oh Lily, I’m fairly certain that one of the items on your list describes Rufus to a tee. Minus 5 –IMCHARLIETROUT
  • Does no one in this godforsaken town use a cell phone passcode? –THENEXT_MRSBASS
  • I’m kind of a juice purist, so I’m probably out of the newest juice trend, but Lily was having a glass of OJ (let’s get real…mimosa) with breakfast and…a glass of red wine? Too early for gin, Lilz? +2 
    I don’t like how friendly Dorota is being with Dan. No way would she be so excited to serve him breakfast. In her heart Dorota is Team Chair forever. -5 –TRUMPETSTRUMPET  
  • -20 for the failure of Chuck Bass to appear on screen wearing an athletic onesie again. –CROOKEDE
  • Ignoring the question of whether 9:00 am is like dawn on the real-life UES, we already know that that’s never been the case on this show, where the entire cast travels between the UES and Brooklyn three times and then has five leisurely brunches before the kids go off to school. Minus 5, Nate. –PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Gossip Girl can’t figure out how to change the password on the blog, but she managed to create an APP?! An App that uploads straight to her website?! AND Serena actually figured out how to get it on her phone without assistance? Impossible. -150 –ASHLEY_L
  • Rufus, a former rock star (optimistic?), is feeling sorry for himself so goes alone, to a bar to drink a cup of tea. minus 5 
    Lily: ‘I could care less about Ivy’. Urgh minus 20 because if she’s not a grammar snob, I don’t know what this country is coming to. It’s COULDN’T CARE LESS. –SQUAREYES

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Salon of the Dead