recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Fugitives

Gossip Girl
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

To say that anything other than Dan’s “Muppet hair,” “dead raccoon,” or whatever else it’s been dubbed was the star in the comments would be a travesty to the GG faithful. This week, Dan rethinks the writers’ institute in Rome and persuades Blair to come; Chuck enlists the NJBC (plus Lola and Ivy) to help catch the man who tried to kill his father (who would be Bart Bass, in case you forgot); and Blair continues to avoid saying those three little words back to Dan. Yet still, it was Dan’s ragamuffin do that lit up the comments. Second place by volume goes to the pleas for Blair and Chuck to relight their flame. And previews for next week (the season finale) make that seem like ever so slightly less of a pipe dream. Sigh. Now on to the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Nate Being Unable to Forget His Cougar Love

  • Eleanor gives Dan such a look of derision, you would think SHE had seen him in his bathrobe and morning rats nest. Plus two. –TUCKERNUCK
  • I wonder what Bart Bass did on his magical ghost tour while he was “dead” all those years, besides hang out at orgies and buy skintight, bright colored dresses for Diana? I’m voting that he went to Disney World and scared children with his one facial expression. Plus 50 because I would watch a ‘Where in the World Is Bart Bass’ Leathery Face’ spinoff. –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Plus 50 if the items in Bart Bass’ casket include: 
    - Blair’s headbands 
    - Nate’s normal lip 
    - Chuck’s higher speaking voice 
    - Dan’s barber 
    - Scott 
    - the guy Serena killed –ABBY_E
  • +50 for chuck reminding serena that lily was leaving bart for rufus in season 2. even she can’t keep her mother’s marriages straight. –LUCERO
  • Serena and her berries have essentially eclipsed Rufus and his waffles. No points, just saying. –NOTENOUGH
  • Blair lists sex, hygiene & trust as the basis for a relationship. Lets recap shall we? She needs to be wasted in order to have good sex with her current boyfriend who looks like he hasnt washed or combed the greasy dead racoon on his head in 10 years, who ends up stalking her, questioning her & lying to her because he doenst trust her. 0/3  
    +10 because its Dan were talking about here. –JJOVANA3
  • Eleanor Waldorf and her refusal to greet Dan. Once a cater-waiter, Always a cater-waiter. Character Consistency! Plus 20  –14A
  • Wasn’t it just a couple of episodes ago Chola was all about getting revenge on the van der Woodsen’s for putting her mother in jail, trying to figure out a way to get said mother out of jail, and getting to know her recently revealed biological father? Does she just not care about any of that anymore? Actually, real. Plus 4 because these van der Woodsen’s have a history of forgetting their own kin exist (see: Eric, Jenny, Scott). –JNP1013
  • The return of Nate’s blue button-down sex shirt! It probably has more STDs than Nate’s lip, but I love it anyway. Plus 6. –BRANDIE_LARUE
  • Full disclosure: I’m not watching this one because, based on the reviews, there is too much disgusting Dumpty/Blair for my taste. That’s applied to 8 out of the last 9 episodes (only last week’s Chair scenes made the show watchable), which bums me out (but not enough to watch). 
    +100 if the finale reveals that Cece willed Blair her gin stash and Blair has just been in a post-crash drunken haze the last half of Season 5.  
    -500 because it wasn’t Safran buried in Bart’s coffin. Think of the travesties we could’ve been spared!! 
    +50 if the HumpFro gets tangled in a mixer while he’s banging Serena on the bar next week. It would have to be a better look than what he’s sporting now. 
    +infinity if Chuck and Blair reunite in the finale AND writers with skill can be found to give us a Season 6 of fun, quirky, scheming, naughty Chuck and Blair love. Anything less is, to quote Cyrus, “NOT ENOUGH!” 3WORDS8LETTERS
  • Has anyone else pictured Dan standing in front of a mirror every morning, singing Man or Muppet? Plus 30 if he does.
    “I’m a man 
    I’m a muppet 
    I’m a muppet of a man 
    I’m a very manly muppet 
    I’m a muppety man 
    That’s what I am” LPYCB42
  • +100 if when Blair tells Chuck she chooses him in the finale Chuck looks her up and down, says “Thanks but no thanks, I’ll pass on Dan Humphrey’s sloppy seconds. I just remembered that I’m 20 yr old BILLIONAIRE Chuck Bass, I’m gonna go pop some bottles with models.” Drop mic –BOTB
  • Every time Blair says she wants to spend the summer with Dan her eyes do that thing where they don’t match her mouth. Plus 10. –STILETTO33
  • Plus 2 if Serena was able to show up in the foyer in a Blair costume, complete with headband, because Chuck creepily still has some of Blair’s clothes at the Empire. –PURPLEANDGREEN

Faker Than Chuck Playing Human-Resources Puppeteer for Newspapers in London

  • Blair liked Serena’s outfit? No. Minus 5 –MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • Dan gets out of the shower and I had to run to the shower to scrub myself clean after looking at that hair. Minus 100. 
    Dan Humphrey doesn’t own a robe. Minus 10. Unless Blair got him one from a Brooklyn homespun knitwear store. Still a minus. –KANGAROOTATTOO
  • For this evening’s performance, the role of Dan Humphrey will be played by Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Dumbo. Minus 10 –IMCHARLIETROUT
  • I love Blair’s priority list:  
    1. Sex 
    2. Hygiene 
    3. Earning Potential 
    4. Trust 
    By this list alone, Dan ranks very low on B’s value scale–he ranks even lower than Carter Baizen, because even when he was broke and dressed like a hippie grifter, he gave good sex. Plus 20, for establishing a chart by which to determine who is best suited for B. 
    A Rome travel guide? Blair Waldorf is a seasoned world traveler. She doesn’t need a guide Humphrey. Next thing you know he’ll be Google-mapping Versace for her. Minus 50. 
    My reaction to the sneak peak into Blair’s diary: So basically DAIR is officially a total waste of our time? Awesome! Minus the amount of hours I wasted on shipping this geriatric match. –LDCLUNA
  • Yep, S who looks nothing like B can just pretend to be her to some guy. You know, Blair never married a prince and never had her picture posted all over newspapers and gossip mags. -10 
    I’m pretty sure there is something illegal about faking your own death, or at least I’m pretty sure Bart wasn’t paying taxes these past 3? years, but they just go a head and call the Feds. - 20 
    Also what money was he living on? I’m pretty sure all that would have be transferred over to Lily. No wait, these are the people with so much money they don’t even notice when some goes missing. +10 –KITTYFISH
  • Blair 1) was in Brooklynover night ( ugh no, we all know she would be terrified of bedbugs) 
    2) answered someone else’s home phone (that’s what Darota is for, Blair would never) and 
    3) actually said her name acknowledging her slumming it BEFORE she knew who was on the other side of the call. 
    -10 for each point. –ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • I found it hilarious that the Bart-explains-it-all scene does not happen until the next day. -100 because that means the following went down the night before: 
    Chuck opens door & sees Bart 
    BART: Oh my God. 
    CHUCK: Wow you’re not dead. 
    BART: True dat. 
    CHUCK: I am surprised but I’m also sleepy so let’s have an exposition meeting in the morning. 
    BART: 9am good? 
    CHUCK: Sweet. Later, Dad 1.0 –LISABING
  • I cherish the memory of how good Gossip Girl was when it started. Dan’s hair was short, Serena was channeling Sienna Miller instead of tranny hookers, Blair Waldorf ate people for breakfast and Eric hadn’t yet been shipped to the Hamptonsto be Charlotte Grayson’s lap dog. –SERENAOWNSME
  • So there was obviously no reports in the Italian media about the Kardashian-length marriage between the Prince of Monacoand New Yorkcommoner Blair Waldorf, otherwise the guy checking them over might have known she wasn’t tall, blonde, famous-in-her-own-right Serena Van Der Woodsen. Minus 20. —GRACE_O’KEEFE
  • Dan wastes his time trying to convince Blair to go to Italywith him, when his number one priority should be getting rabies vaccine and a pet passport for that creature on his head if he wants to go to Italyhimself. Minus 50, because I don’t want him to miss his flight –OPHELIAVIOLET

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Fugitives