recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Return of the Ring

Photo: David Giesbrecht/The CW

This week, the season finale garnered double the usual comments, most of them gleeful at where we’ve stopped until next season. Writers harked back to some prime old GG themes (Serena + drugs; Serena + bar sex). They even addressed little things, like the UES’s lack of lockable doors. Eleanor chides Penelope for failing to knock; Blair goes after Chuck without even texting Dan; Dan and Serena hook up on an abandoned Grand Central Station bar; Lily leaves Rufus for her revived ex. Commenters are hopeful again. Positive points abound. Will Blair and Chuck wake up together in the first episode next season? Does Bart’s return mean CeCe is alive somewhere drinking gin? Cheers to this season’s last recap of the recap.

Realer Than Basses: 2, Humphreys: 0 With UES women

  • So Dan’s new book is basically a reissue called “Inside: The Mean Version” with a forward from Georgina Sparks? Sounds reasonable. Plus five. –TUCKERNUCK
  • Didn’t we just learn 2 episodes ago that Blair kept her diary in code because she thought Eleanor was reading them? I know the writers have a short memory but COME ON! -20 
    Eleanor hates Penelope. +50 –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Bart telling Rufus that it looks like the UES is agreeing with him…. as Rufus is wearing a parka and Eric’s skinny jeans. BURN. +7 –NIKOLE0602
  • Gossip Girl: 6 seasons and a movie*! 
    *Spoiler alert, the movie is my Chuck Bass sex tape. –OPHELIA1999
  • Chuck is up on a roof, having just heard bad news about his father, and he doesn’t try to jump or throw bottles of booze at passerby below. On Gossip Girl, this is character growth. Plus 10 –FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • So Dair began with an offscreen incident (the essay contest) and Dair dissolved offscreen. Poetic justice? I think so. Plus 50. This is probably the only time I’ll say this, but Offscreenlandia made perfect sense here. –KANGAROOTATTOO
  • +5 for Eleanor’s line to Penelope about knocking. I take it as a nod to the commenters complaining about the lack of knocking and people entering houses unannounced. –VOLANT
  • So…when the writers said Serena’s season six love interest would be familiar, they meant she’d fall back into the willing arms of cocaine? Plus 10 
    But Minus 5 if it’s some weird product tie-in to the new “Snow White” movie. –BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Chuck’s smirk when he read parts of Blairs diary about loving him. +infinity –JJOVANA3
  • The ultimate goal of Serena’s plot was to post (somewhat incestual) porn to the internet. God love her. Plus 15 –VINCE1178
  • the gg writers grand mea culpa to the fans: dair doesn’t matter, serena is and will always be a hot mess, the van der bass family rises, nate archibald, PI, and (inner fan girl squeal) BLAIR LOVES CHUCK….all is almost forgiven. +500 
    dan being pissed because he thought blair “had changed”. wasn’t your entire argument that you loved blair for her true self?! -10 for the comment, +100 for douche-y character consistency, -1000 for all of us who had to put up with this mess this season. –LUCERO
  • Plus 20 for Blair admitting Dan was more of a gay best friend than a love interest. –MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • +20 that even Damian doesn’t want to hit that anymore and sends an underling instead. –ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • So, can we hope Jack will be around for the duration of the final season? Giving me 3 Basses might help dull some of the trauma of this boring but simultaneously confusing hot mess of a season. 
     I know BART BASS LIVES is sort of amateur hour for Post headlines, but I can’t help but think the writers really are reading the comments. That shot, followed by Lily pouring gin into her coffee cup, felt like an apology present from the writers. + only 5, though, because they owe us more than that. –TRUMPETSTRUMPET
  • +Infinity Dair no more.  
    +500 Because, no matter what, it will always be Mr. and Mrs. Blair Waldorf.  –AROMO82
  • So, God’s cool with Chair now? I guess he saw the travesty that was Dair and said, “Ok, ok, I won’t try to kill Chuck Bass anymore. Please, for the love of me, just stop with Dan already!” Plus 25 for all our prayers being answered. –BRANDIE_LARUE
  • Lily laced her morning china with gin, chose Bart’s wad of cash over Rufus’ sad little guitar and swiftly screwed Rufus out of a divorce settlement in one move. Saying she embraced Cece’s ghost is a massive understatement. Plus 20. –STILETTO33

Faker Than Blair Going Undetected in Monaco

  • Serena really scanned every one of Blair’s diaries since middle school? No. She does not have the attention span for that. -15 
    “The Blair you’re in love with is the Blair you created in your book” - Serena, the voice of reason? -10. But what she says is pure truth, so +20 –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Could have swore i heard Dan’s pet racoo– i mean hair growl while serena ran her fingers through it during their bar sex scene. –WOOJORDAN
  • Oh, hello Carol! How’s prison? I didn’t know Sing Sing had an Annie Sez. Minus 4 
    And, come on Post, how about “Bart Bass Out of Hell”? He could only get that kind of tan amid eternal flames. Minus 2 –IMCHARLIETROUT
  • Blair goes to MONACOto fight for Chuck? MONACOwhere she is probably viewed with Sarah Ferguson levels of disdain? NO. Minus 20. –ABBY_E
  • Where was Bart hiding all this time? Obviously the man was trapped inside a tanning booth! The whole hiding-from-an-enemy thing was just a ruse to cover his embarrassment. –3WORDS8LETTERS
  • -20 for the Humpfro (TM) going for so long that I am starting question whether it was for a side project (Jeff Buckley movie) and may just actually be his style choice. 
    Seriously, hasn’t that film wrapped by now? –NYMAG_FAN
  • This is how Dair ends: not with a bang, but a whimper. +2 for Blair not even bothering to actually dump Dan. So cold, so satisfying. 
    -3 for Serena attempting to run her hands through Dan’s weave. As her fingers inched closer to his hairline, the cringe factor rose exponentially. –BETCHPLZ
  • Shouldn’t Bart be facing charges for faking his own death? –MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • Dan manages to blame both Serena and Blair for cheating on the latter. Too little too late to prove you’re a heterosexual male, Humphrey. I’d deduct points, but it’s so painfully real I’ll award him a plus 5. –STILETTO33
  • No update on what Georgie accomplished in Monaco, then? Nothing? Minus 50. –PURPLEANDGREEN
  • I have only 1 wish for season 6: Blair wakes up in bed with Chuck the night after their hot piano sex and everything that happened since then was all a dream. No royal wedding, no miscarriage, no Dair, no Thorpes/Diana/Ivy/Lola, Bart’s still dead, Cece’s still alive, and I’m now happy. –BRANDIE_LARUE

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Return of the Ring