True Blood Recap: A Little Ditty ’Bout Dieter and Pam

True Blood

Authority Always Wins
Season 5 Episode 2

True Blood

Authority Always Wins
Season 5 Episode 2
Photo: John P. Johnso/HBO

True Blood’s writers are really bringing it this season, if only in terms of pure Bonkers Quotient. Just when you think that they can’t go any more off the rails, we find out that there’s a secret Bible prequel that reveals that God is a vampire and made humans so that his undead children could have food (and, presumably, be entertained by their antics on reality programs).

Did I mention that the name of the episode is a Mellencamp reference? Well, why not. Dance naked, it’s a lonely old night, am I right? Rain on the scarecrow, blood on the nipple-exposing henley tops.

This was a bit of a housekeeping episode in which a lot happened, but not a whole lot Happened. Tara escaped Sookie and Lafayette after vowing never to forgive them for turning her, Steve Newlin tried to buy bum-rights to Jason from Jessica, and Bill and Eric negotiated their freedom from the authority in exchange for bringing in Russell. The week’s B and C plots were just that. Let’s do a rundown of what we found ludicrous in this visit to Bon Temps, ordered from least to most ridiculous.

Jessica’s Party
Last week I said I thought that these Low-Risk-y Business ragers weren’t super plausible, what with their low-volume alternative-rock music and their wholesome Guitar Hero sing-alongs. But now I’m getting it: Jessica is totally that girl who got inappropriately overdressed for a keg party in a Frederick’s of Hollywood corset and too much makeup and tried to get everybody to do Activities. If she weren’t a vampire she would be a one-sip-Sally majoring in theater at Skidmore. Oh my God, I’m soooo drunk. Are you guys sooooo drunk? That one. Still, all of the “college kids” are at least 47.

The Authority
So the Authority is like a combination of Men in Black HQ and a Todd English steakhouse? Gotcha. Probably about right for thousands-of-year-old rich people holding a business meeting with a blonde toddler and dwarf Sharon Osborne.

The FX
Is it me, or have the effects been a little lackluster this season? I guess it makes sense — the cast keeps getting bigger and that’s a lot of money to spend on Zerona liposculpture and assorted Bliss moisturizers (very expensive!). But this week was like SyFy-channel production value. Tara’s fast-motion wig-out cried out for Yakety Sax. Being a vampire: not unlike having too much birthday cake.

The Disembodied Voice at the Authority
Sounded like the narrator of a film strip about menstruation.

Torture Methodology at Authority HQ
I love the UV rays, because you know that it wasn’t a stretch for the actors to be like, “Noooo! Not harsh lighting.” And how great was Dieter Braun? One time I saw a Dyson commercial and was like, “Yikes! This guy is clearly some kind of goth psychiatrist who carries around a forgotten vampire bible in his spare time.” Nailed it.

Detective Stabler’s Incantations
I could watch Christopher Meloni read the script to The Skulls Google Translate-d into Latin (incidentally, still in beta). And you know what? I think I just did.

The Werewolf Clean Plate Club
Alcide just wants to go home, and Martha and the wolves are mad that he won’t fress on a little Marcus before he goes. Martha will sit there ALL night if he has to. Now he’s probably going to grow up to have a weird relationship with food.

Pam’s Eric Flashback
It was like a visit to the From Hell FunZone at Knott’s Berry Farm. Afterwards, they posed with shotguns and made sepia “Wanted” posters to hang on their fridge.

Andy’s Accent
Sheriff Bellefleur’s cop drawl has gone from “gruff plus” to “Kris Kristofferson’s Gay Phone Sex Line.” Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that Andy has gone all supernatural Sipowicz on us? Andy, you’re at a nine; I need you at about a seven and a half. Thanks kindly.

Terry’s Flashbacks
I don’t mean to harp on the visuals, but come on. Desert Storm did not take place in a finished basement. This show is not known for its light touch, but until now, it’s treated Terry’s PTSD with relative restraint. No more, I guess. The man’s a line cook. I hope every pan of chicken tenders isn’t going to send him cartwheeling back into the Iraq of his nightmares.

Scott Foley Saying the F-Word
Tee hee hee hee hee.

The Vampire Bible
“Hahahaha! Oh, HBO. Normally I’d be all ‘blasphemy,’ but this is too cute.” —God.

Jason Eating Doritos

Can things get even crazier? You know what? I bet they just might! Let’s all tune in next week. In the meantime, you guys hold on to sixteen as long as you can.

True Blood Recap: ‘Authority Always Wins’