Last year, in the weeks before Coldplay’s Mylo Xyloto was released, Vulture attempted to divine the plot of the mysterious rock-opera based on the album’s track list. It involved xylophone toes! And Captain Hook’s crocodile sidekick from the Disney version of Peter Pan. And a lot of other nonsense. Nothing in the music actually contradicted our imaginings, but Vulture isn’t content to just guess; Vulture wants to fully understand Mylo Xyloto (still, nine months later). So on the occasion of the “Princess of China” video, which includes actual plot clues, please allow us now to present our revised plot for Coldplay’s rock-opera. Here goes:
Chris Martin finds one of the blue time-and-space-jumping buttons from John Carter and travels to China, which looks a lot like Mars, the American Southwest, or [insert desolate landscape]. He stumbles upon a vaguely Chinese CGI-ed palace, from which he must free the tormented, multi-armed, red-leather-knee-high-wearing princess, so he can bring her back to the future. Except it turns out that the Princess doesn’t want to be rescued, and also, she can fly, which leads to an airborne sword fight in flowing martial arts robes. No one wins, so they lock eyes and try to incept each other into submission. (This has somehow turned from a rescue-love mission into a battle for control over two worlds. Go with it.) Rihanna attempts to seduce Chris Martin with a ribbon dance … so that she can kill him and/or keep him in her palace of stereotypes. Will Chris make it out alive? The next song is called “Up in Flames,” so: We’re going with no! R.I.P., Xylophone-Toe-Man. Rihanna wins again.