now what?

Eight Ways to Cope Now That You’ve Finally Seen Magic Mike

(L-r) CHANNING TATUM as Mike and MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY as Dallas in Warner Bros. Pictures’ dramatic comedy “MAGIC MIKE,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release.Photo by Claudette Barius
Photo: Claudette Barius/?2012 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

Vulture has spent the better part of the last year covering Steven Soderbergh’s male stripper movie Magic Mike, but now that the film has finally come out and moviegoers all across America have had the chance to stuff dollar bills in the movie’s unexpectedly loaded box-office G-string, what do we do now? With all the energy that we spent anticipating this movie, is there anything we can move on to that will prove just as worthy of our time and adoration? And will these new activities truly manage to alleviate our post-Tatum depression? (It’s a feeling of malaise — as though real life were slathered in Soderbergh’s trademark yellow tint — mixed with mild residual horniness.) Here are eight activities Vulture recommends for those drifting, directionless, in Mike’s wake. (At least the view is nice from there. On account of the thongs.)

Agitate for a Sequel
The odds are not good that Channing Tatum would suit up and strip down one more time, and it’s even more unlikely that Steven Soderbergh would return to helm a sequel, since his retirement is imminent. But why shouldn’t this become a direct-to-video franchise powerhouse in the years to come, like a somewhat smuttier The Land Before Time? After all, the first Magic Mike only cost $7 million or so … with a couple of budget cuts and a dimmer marquee cast comprised of the guy from the Footloose remake, Puck from Glee, and Kellan Lutz, you’ve got yourself a cost-efficient Magic Mike 2 1/2: Showtime. Mail in your G-strings to Warner Bros. so that they know you demanded it!

See It Again!
Repeat this to yourself: There’s no shame in loyalty. And $12 is cheaper than a night at your local Chippendale’s (or, uh, so Vulture has heard).

Transfer Your Affections to Magic Mike: The Musical
What a life preserver! Just as Magic Mike was finally nearing release, all of the powers that be announced that they were working on a Broadway musical version, due out next year. Something new to look forward to! Won’t it be fun to watch old ladies and theater queens finally have their shot at stuffing a ballad-singing Big Dick Richie?

Anticipate the DVD/Blu-ray Release
There is a strong rumor that all of the truncated strip-club routines will be included in their entirety on the coming DVD/Blu-ray release. Never has the collapsing time window between the theatrical experience and home video exhibition seemed so important.

Fan Fiction: Seek It Out or Write Your Own
Suggested slash pairings: Channing and Matthew McConaughey (let’s not waste time, folks); the Fourgy (Pettyfer, Bomer, weird drug girl, and Bomer’s topless wife); Joe Manganiello and his firemen friends. But this is your creative undertaking; write the romance that feels real to you.

Phone Bank for Magic Mike During Oscar Season
You will clearly be rooting for Magic Mike in all the major categories — Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor (for Matthew McConaughey), Best Use of Ginuwine’s “Pony” — but don’t forget to support “Ladies of Tampa” in the Best Original Song race. Just imagine McConaughey shaking his assless chaps in Jean Dujardin’s face during his Oscar performance! This has to happen.

Commit Ritual Seppuku
Obviously, we at Vulture would never recommend suicide as a way to deal with your post-MM despair. Just realize that if it were to happen, using the Joe Manganiello fireman’s ax you purchased at a Magic Mike props estate sale, it would be exceedingly honorable in this instance.

Take Up Knitting
With some practice, you could probably figure out a way to knit Channing Tatum’s face onto a scarf, and then he can never leave you.

8 Ways to Cope Now That You’ve Seen Magic Mike