The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Joe Guidice manipulates stucco so that it looks like a vagina, and Teresa shrieks “A VA-JAY-JAY!?” This happens approximately three minutes into tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Azkaban.
The Guidices — daughters included — are stuccoing a garage that is definitely “not an apartment” (HEAR THAT, JACQUELINE? NOT AN APARTMENT), but they don’t labor for long because soon Rosie comes over to lay down the law regarding all the tabloid drama, which apparently featured something bad about Kathy this week.
“I don’t have a computer in my brain that, like, stores these things,” is Teresa’s first line of defense. Tre, that is literally what your brain is.
“This tabloid shit needs to fucking stop,” emphasizes Rosie, but Teresa flips the script, as she is wont to do, citing articles about herself and Joe Giudice that made her upset and how could everyone be so inconsiderate, world’s smallest violin, Teresa hanging on the cross and accidentally smearing Magic Tan all over it — same old shit.
“I felt like I didn’t fit in,” Rosie says about their childhood.
“Because I didn’t fit in.”
“Yes, you did!” Does Teresa just not have the ability to acknowledge any truth, anywhere? Is that a dumb question? Also, am I insane, or have all four of the families on this show gone into bankruptcy (except maybe Caroline)?
Kathy, Rich, Melissa, and Joe Gorga are having some white on someone’s deck and Joe Gorga’s all, “My sister said she’s okay with seeing a therapist with me! I can’t believe she’s willing to go see a therapist with me who will tell her she’s being crazy and I am correct!” which I am pretty sure is not conducive to successful therapy even if it’s true that Tre is the wackier one of the siblings. “I’m the most sane man you’ll ever meet,” says Joe Gorga — who, if I may remind you, refers to his semen as “poison” on a regular basis — “I’m an angel from God.” Rosie arrives and posits that Teresa’s only trying to repair her shit with Joe Gorga because she’s on the outs with Jacqeline, which is — doy — true. But he’s not gonna look this gift horse in the mouth.
Meanwhile, as the Manzos and Lauritas eat dinner, Lauren acts sassy about her diet while she’s dying inside (“The fat girl needs more vegetables”), and Jacqueline suggests that perhaps they should un-invite the Giudices and questions why they’d even go since everyone hates their asses (pssst, Jacqueline: because Tre’s a regular). Albie is now “offish” with that girl Lindsay who appeared as an iPhone-photo-ghost-person a few weeks ago, and once again Lauren attempts to hide the fact that she’s too sensitive for this family and about to give herself a feelings-hernia.
How is A$hleeé doing, Jacqueline? Basically exactly how you’d think: “She’s got a brand-new tattoo of a skull head to remind her of her days at the bar” and is thinking about moving to Hollywood. Caroline, ever the first passenger to board the Straight Talk Express, notes (in a private interview) that A$hlee’s physical transformations (the hair bleaching, lip injections, etc.) may indicate that she wants to look nothing like Jacqueline. Ow.
Nevertheless, Jacqueline’s new tactic is to let A$h as free as the wind blows, until she either learns to take responsibility as an adult or realizes she’s a total fuck-up.
“Like, give her the rope to hang herself,” Chris says encouragingly.
“Yes,” replies Jacqueline without thinking, then makes this face.
We’re also witnessing a meal with Kathy and Rosie’s mom Maria. Either all older Italian women look like Martin Scorsese’s mom or the Oscar-winning director is half Wakile (OMG, fingers crossed). While they feast, they harangue Rosie about her love life and she convinces Kathy to accompany her to the only gay club in the area. “I know that Rich has been to gay bars. He says the music is the best.” So if you’re ever hanging out at Connexxions in Central Jersey and the whole bar’s abuzz about how Jeff Goldblum’s totally there but he’s shorter in person and wears doofy glasses, go ahead and let everyone down gently.
As it turns out, Kathy and Rosie’s mom was raised by her aunt and, as a result, insists that no amount of problems mean that you should send a child away (after all, Rosie has been living with Maria for six years) in a monologue that is juxtaposed with the A$hlee one, sort of meanly.
Teresa does not want the kids to know she’s going to therapy with Joe Gorga, so she lies to them, hence basically ensuring that the kids will know what therapy is and go to it before they’ve hit high school. “Just don’t let her get you worked up,” Melissa warns Joe Gorga on the phone, doubtlessly to no avail.
Over Coronas, Jacqueline and her dad discuss A$hlee (“She thinks she’s Lindsay Lohan!”) and her fallout with Tre over the tabloids (“From what I can see, she’s making money,” her dad says. “She’s doing what she has to do”). He reminds Jacqueline that not everyone is the same kind of friend that she is. Then she cries. I’m definitely Team Jacqueline over Team Tre, but I’m getting a little sick of the tears by now.
Teresa and Joe Gorga’s therapy session begins with some creepy Diet Incest:
TRE: “You smell good.”
JOE GORGA: “You look good. You’re wearing red. That’s a sexy color.”
The therapist speaks to each sibling one-on-one. As we have known this entire season, Tre’s issue is primarily with Melissa monopolizing Joe Gorga’s attention, even though he refuses to admit it. “I’m not a grudge holder,” she tells the therapist. REEEEE, goes the record, screeching to a halt. “I have a sense that you’re an emotional person,” says the therapist. By that same logic, the Holocaust was annoying.
Outside gay bar the Cubbyhole, Rosie divulges that she likes brunettes with light eyes like Heather, who is there, and still a total fucking tease, incidentally. “Bringing Heather along will definitely get everyone’s appetites going,” says Kathy, a graphic way to put it that is perhaps unintentional. “Pickings are really slim,” says Rosie, but winds up chatting with an adorable blonde woman named Brianna, who runs a restaurant in New York. They exchange numbers. Yay!
Next up with the therapist is Joe Gorga, who, when asked what his grievances with Tre are, uses the word evil at some point. Which is basically all you need to know. For emphasis, we cut to a shot of Teresa waiting outside the room, smirking and twitching and glancing at the camera, that is one of the most genuinely frightening things I’ve ever seen. Then he gathers them both in a room and advises them to do some serious self-examination before each time they see each other. In the car on the way over, think about what it is they each do to contribute to the fighting and resolve to 100 percent avoid doing it.
“But doesn’t that suck to have to do that every time we go somewhere?” asks Joe Gorga.
“So you’re saying ‘Doesn’t it suck to do something extra to make it work?’” parries the therapist.
“Why doesn’t it just work?”
“But it don’t.”
Teresa informs the therapist they’re planning to go to Napa together–and share an RV, no less–and the therapist balks at the sheer dumbassery, informing them they will get into a huge fight, but Teresa is in denial. “I think we should prove him wrong,” says Tre, and Joe Gorga, to the therapist’s dismay, goes along. They proceed to leave the office (“Are you cured?” Joe Gorga asks Tre) and get into a huge fight.
Contents of fight: Apparently an article came out about Joe Gorga’s financial problems, and Tre and Joe Giudice having to take in their parents after Joe Gorga was unable to pay for their house any longer, which Joe Gorga insists isn’t true, and Tre insists she didn’t leak to the press, instead suggesting Jacqueline did it or anyone else who “wanted money” (contradicting the thing she said a few weeks ago about not making money on the tabloids, but man, that was transparent regardless). Then he yells about her purse being expensive for a broke person. That’s about it.
Next week appears to be the best of times (Richie: “I approve of lesbians, because they like the same thing I like”) and the worst of times (Melissa’s gonna sing again). Soon we will be in Napa. Say good night, Gracie.