Oy, this episode. I don’t know about you, but I was certainly tangled in an emotional lace of confusion, amusement, and dirty synthetic kimono (it just happens to be what I watch the show in). Now I know how the cast feels after a long day of shooting on nothing but PDX90 endorphins and cashew water.
Never mind the talking statues, disembodied heads, the high-calorie snacks, or the wigs (oh, the WIGS). The allegory here between the Sangunistas and the Authority was more thinly veiled than ever: Religious fanatics versus sexy, ineffectual ideologues? What are you getting at, HBO? Thank you kindly, but please keep your Sorkin peanut butter out of my Ball chocolate. Allow me to repeat: Ball chocolate. Why? Because it’s fun to say.
I have no idea what was going on here. Let’s twist again, like we did last summer: Here are the most memorable moments from this week’s True Blood, ordered from least to most nutrageous.
The Mid-Hookup Peach Schnapps Barf
Come on. We all went to college.
The Zingers!
True, ludicrous lines routinely given to these poor actors to be weekly, dutifully spewed like so much mid-blowie shoe vom. But there were some true dialogue gems in this episode! Notably, Pam’s “I saved your fucking life and gave you some truly exquisite clothes” (because what woman who wears Carmen Miranda hat of hair extensions doesn’t refer to her clothing as “exquisite” at least once a day) and Eric’s feelings on New York City. It smells like pee? It’s dirty? Fair, I guess, coming from a Swedish tourist. Hope you enjoyed blocking me on the sidewalks of Soho while you photographed homeless people and glacially perused that table full of fake Ray Bans.
Jason’s Ongoing Odyssey of Self-Actualization
While I applaud this directorial choice to put Ryan Kwanten in superhero underoos, I am deeply weary of this plotline. I don’t need to know the hows and whys of Jason’s being damaged into a constant state of punani fever — let’s just go back to showing his butt every week.
Doug’s Nachos
I love that the first part of Sookie-induced psychic regression was to relive the delicious nachos he ate. I often suppress memories of housing gas station Tex-Mex, only to come to horrible reckoning with it when confronted by the sinewy delts, firm glutes, and wiffle bat waists of the True Blood cast. Most relatable moment of the season.
The Ifrit
Oh, okay, Brian. Did you find out what the monster was by GOOGLING it? No, you did not. I know this because I fuckin’ Googled it. Mostly because I had no idea what word you were saying because I am not super familiar with “ifrits” or other Islamic folk demons. You should enunciate, because”Ifrit” was actually nowhere near my original guess, “a freep.” Regardless, do you know what you DO get when you Google “fire monster that chases people”? The IMDb page for “Step Up 2.” If ONLY the real monster here were break-dancing cramps.
The Guy From Gilmore Girls and the Guy From Felicity Playing Veterans
Who led this squadron? Topanga?
Russel’s Captive Bloodmeal Claiming That He Lost 40 Pounds on Atkins
I didn’t buy it from Jennifer Hudson and I don’t buy it from you! Lapband. NEXT!
Luna’s French Manicure
Is that why they shot her?
Deep, Meaningful Drags of Parliaments
Vampires: They’re just like the annoying kid you knew at Oberlin.
That Andy Can Tell What Brand a Tire Is by Feeling the Skid Mark
I Googled “tire-tread psychic” and got a special wiki dedicated to Monk episodes. I’d bet there is no such thing as a tire-tread psychic, in Iraqi folklore or otherwise.
Jessica’s “It Gets Better” Speech
Yes, sci-fi and horror and speculative fiction can create an effective metaphorical firmament to explore the persecution of the socially disenfranchised blah blah blah. Let’s not go crazy here, True Blood.
Jumbo Coffee and Box of Nutter Butters
We know they weren’t for the parking-lot attendant, because he’s an established nacho man. Unless the Nutter Butters are being used in some sort of sexual-lubricant situation, nobody is eating cookies. None of these people are eating cookies.
Magic Mike
I haven’t seen it yet, can you believe it?
All right. Clean up your shoes, team. I’ll see you all next next week.
