True Blood Recap: Don’t Have a Cow in the Biblical Sense

True Blood

In the Beginning
Season 5 Episode 7

True Blood

In the Beginning
Season 5 Episode 7
Photo: HBO

Hi, guys. How are you? Recovered from watching that lady slowly remove Lafayette’s lip stitches with a dull knife soaked in crazy grandpa blood? Me neither!

Well, this episode was certainly action-packed. I’ll say that much for it. And it was definitely a bit of a peek behind the curtain in terms of the writers letting us know that they have little to zero idea what they’re doing. When Holly was telling Arlene, “You know, why not an Ifrit? Why not?” she was really speaking to you and me, and I think we’re coming to terms with it. On the one hand, the True Blood universe’s lawlessness feels zany and surprising, because when literally anything can happen, it tends to. On the other, it’s not fun to play Monopoly with a bunch of 4-year-olds, because they have no sense of order or strategy and would rather swallow hotels and make the dog hump the hat.

Let’s see what we found particularly bonkers this week, eh? Here we go, in order from most to least likely, as is our custom.

Everybody Loves Russell
Wow, we’re suddenly all very cool with this guy just being there and hanging out. And you know what? I buy it, because I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Dennis O’Hare, please come to my house and be my friend.” This guy is sincerely great. Put him on all the shows.

Alcide-San’s Training Montage
I loved his little headband and board shorts combo. In my head, this is how Joe Manganiello works out. Kickboxing, flailing, and sex for cardio.

The Ifrit Laughs at Its Own Plotline
Hee hee hee. I KNOW, Ifrit, but, shhhhh Fourth Wall.

Arlene and Terry’s Wedding Video
This was kind of adorable, no? Sure, a wedding video is a tired, clunky device, but it was nice to see everybody acting normal-ish: Hoyt and Jessica in love and unfettered by weird fetish gear, Andy single and shlubby, Jason seeking gleeful purchase in any available female cavity. Better times!

Sam Merlotte, K-9 Cop
He’s just been really likable this season, and I think a lot of it is his police dog routine. More of this!

The Karaoke Bloodbath
Aside from the fact that nobody under the age of a million knows the lyrics to “You Light Up My Life,” I think this is how we would all react in this situation.

Dr. Holly, Ph.D. in Logic
Holly actually had some really reasonable things to say. Like, “Maybe the smoke monster is real; there are no rules that govern this fictional universe.” But when she saw herself in the video and was like, “Am I on TV?” Uh, no. That’s a videotape, Holly. And why is every TV on this show at least a thousand years old? I think the writers of this show think that Louisiana is peopled by impoverished illiterate cave dwellers who are still afraid of eclipses.

“It’s All About the Sonic”
Okay, so I haven’t been shot multiple times with an assault rifle in front of my young daughter recently, but I know if I was, my first words would be “Cherry … limeade.”

Salome’s Reasoning
So she didn’t kill Roman because he had to decide when … his … essence … would flow? Man! I don’t want to draw any uncomfortable comparisons, but there’s really nothing like using the bible to Bondo your stupider lifestyle choices.

Jason and Jessica’s Fight
She bites him, he shoots her in the head, she tells him to get the fuck out of her mansion. If I had a nickel!

Dieter Dies
I would feel bad for this actor because that was kind of an unceremonious death, but I also like to see Russell back on his A-game. Bye! Enjoy the residuals.

Nora Is Continually Allowed to Live
Do her next please, Russell. Please. God. I’m sorry. She’s just the absolute worst. When Eric was like, “Go fuck yourself, Nora,” I nodded in silent assent.

All the Vampires Roll on Lillith Blood
Wandering around downtown New Orleans, yelling at cabbies, acting like drunk assholes? Finally some authenticity. When they were all, “Where are we going, where is Lillith leading us?” I really wanted a disembodied goddess voice to be like, “INTO A ZYDECO BAR, FOR HALF-PRICE FROZEN HURRICANES.”

Sookie’s Existential Crisis Montage
Yes, Sookie’s had a rough time, but getting rid of all of her power to be normal when you pull the kind of tail she does? Not buying it.

Pam and Tara
Look, I love a good lesbian incest plotline. Love it. But I have zero desire to see this relationship play out that way, at least until they end what I assume is a vitriolic feud with the hair and makeup people. I don’t want to watch Naughty Cyndi Lauper faux-finger-blast BDSM FloJo.

“We’re Testing Her Luminesence”

Deputy Kevin’s Accent
I’m not saying I’ve ever huffed butane with a slow Cracker Barrel busboy, but if I did, I don’t think he would sound like this. I’ve never heard a human being, southern or otherwise, speak like this. He sounds like gay Huckleberry Hound.

In Fact, All of the Accents in the Episode
I think my favorite was Tyrese from the super-hate-group meetup, who sounded like a drunk dad’s Bill Clinton impression. I’m willing to bet that every non-speaking extra on this show has access to a nutritionist and Olympic-grade weight trainer and those spa slimming treatments where they wrap you in ace bandages and make you walk on a treadmill until you secrete what’s left of your lingering body fat. Hire an on-set dialogue coach, for the love of Gomer Pyle.

TMI Coroner Spencer and Jacuzzi Party Sheriff Dearborne
What the heck? I’m sure this will become some sort of relevant plot point, but man, Bon Temps is the place to be a public servant. These people get laid more than Dr. Feelgood–era Motley Crüe.

“Suicide Is for Muslims”

The Hate Group
Wait, so it’s a hate group that calls itself a hate group? Come on. True Blood’s “supernaturals as stand-ins for marginalized human beings” allegory has really been pushing the envelope, taste-wise, this season. I can’t say that I feel entirely comfortable with the Obama-mask-wearing super-heating hit squad and their reductive “it feels GOOD to be bad” brand of Captain Planet morality. Reducing all southern people to country-fried hilljacks with bad John Grisham movie accents is one thing, but Beast? Also, Milwaukee’s Best, you guys? Ugh.

Tara’s Pole Dancing
Nope. No.

Okay, guys. I think there’s a Sonic in Jersey City. Meet you there in ten or see you next week.

True Blood Recap: Don’t Have a Cow, Biblically