Despite appearing onscreen for all of 22 seconds, the three-breasted prostitute who flashes Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall is one of the most memorable images from Paul Verhoeven’s best film (sorry, RoboCop fans). Just look at how Columbia Pictures promoted its remake at Comic-Con. Sure there was a panel with Colin Farrell and Kate Beckinsale, but it was the tantalizing triceratits whom everyone wanted a picture with. Thinking about old bonus boob got us thinking about other movie characters with extra body parts and whether they’d be advantageous or not.
Mary, Total Recall
Extra Body Part: A third boob
Usefulness: The sheer weirdness of having three breasts would seemingly lead to booming business for a Martian prostitute. But based on Mary’s availability in this packed bar, one can only assume that quad-canned ladies are the only one’s making money on Mars.
Everyday Problems: Finding a bra; endless questions about their realness; constant treatment as nothing but a sexual novelty.
Count Tyrone Rugen, The Princess Bride
Extra Body Part: An eleventh finger
Usefulness: Minimal. As a sadistic henchman obsessed with torture, the Count’s eleventh finger is of little use. Pity he wasn’t a pitcher.
Everyday Problems: Easily recognized as the man who killed a young boy’s father twenty years after it happened; buying leather gloves off the rack.
Goro, Mortal Kombat
Extra Body Part: A third and fourth arm
Usefulness: Whether it’s holding an opponent’s shoulders while ripping his head off or holding his fists while pummeling him in the face, two extra arms are indispensable to a creature whose sole purpose is beating up humans. They also make folding laundry a breeze.
Everyday Problems: Destined to a shirtless, and subsequently 7-Eleven-less, life; four armpits means twice the deodorant cost; pigeonholed as a furious warrior even if life as an academic is where his true passion lies.
Dave, The Change-Up
Extra Body Part: A third testicle
Usefulness: Pride brought on by knowing everyone else has fewer testicles.
Everyday Problems: Every peanut eaten is a reminder of the deformity.
Three-Headed Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Extra Body Part: A second and third head
Usefulness: It’s more trouble than it’s worth, really, with the one obvious benefit being a booming voice when all heads speak in unison. The companionship is nice, too.
Everyday Problems: Persistent arguments over everything from lunch to body-part ownership; middle head must rely on the arms, which he can’t control, to feed him and brush his teeth; constant fear of what happens if one of the heads is cut off.
Patrick Smash, Thunderpants
Extra Body Part: A second stomach
Usefulness: According to this movie, the result of two stomachs is the unending need to drop nuclear farts. Seems hardly useful on the surface, but with the right minds it can be harnessed to assist in space travel.
Everyday Problems: Just the farting.
Bruce, 30 Years to Life
Extra Body Part: A sixth toe on one foot
Usefulness: Better balance?
Everyday Problems: Repulses a small subset of women — those freaky enough to kiss toes but not freaky enough to be turned on by an extra one.
Extra Body Part: Another set of teeth. In the vagina.
Usefulness: Comes in handy if a woman is sexually assaulted or needs to exact revenge. Better than mace.
Everyday Problems: Angry sex becomes an impossible proposition; child birth is risky; twice the guilt trip from the dentist for not flossing.
Francisco Scaramanga, The Man With the Golden Gun
Extra Body Part: A third nipple.
Usefulness: Even more tingly foreplay.
Everyday Problems: Despite all efforts to hide one’s identity from a super spy, that extra nipple is always there to blow a villain’s cover.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Extra Body Part: A second head
Usefulness: The extra head, which isn’t on equal footing with the first, provides a place to hide undesirable personality traits. In Beeblebrox’s case, that allows the first head to be the most presidential head it can be.
Everyday Problems: Because the second head is at the bottom of the neck, it requires the wearing of scarves or, God forbid, turtlenecks. Also, the second head is an idiot.