recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: A Tantalizing Mix of Berries, Socks, and Tea

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/CW

This week, we saw DHumps dive deeper (was it even possible?) into his dark hole of unforgivable pretentiousness, eliciting only tidal waves of nausea, hate, disgust, and contempt from commenters. Serena tried to pull on her stepmom pants (while decked out in sequins, of course) but failed miserably and eats her bowl of berries solo. The drama on the UES continues: Chuck magically appeared at Blair’s sick bed (Thank you, Dorota!) and whisper-growled, “Task me, Blair”; Lonely Boy is now Angry Boy, trying to ruin lives and bite every hand that fed him; and Sage played with fire by sabotaging Queen B’s runway show. Commenters were ablaze with well-deserved Humphrey-bashing, snickers at Sage’s hobbling runway debut, confusion on the Vita-King’s tea addiction (Waffles, anyone?), and all-around praise for Chair (but all-around minus points for Chuck’s haircut). The image holding us over the weekend: Chair’s cute cuddle fest and those purple socks. Read on for the week’s recap of the recap.

Realer Than Nelly Yuki Pining After Her High-School Crush

  • Blair: “Dorota, I’m feverish!!” after tasking Chuck. So are we Blair, so are we. +10 —VULTUREREADER4
  • “That doesn’t sound like my dad,” Dan says. “That sounds like a man with backbone, and Lily took Rufus’ years ago to make herself decorative statement earrings.” Plus 50 —FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Serena calling Dan “Humphrey” would have made CeCe so proud I’m guessing there’s raining gin in hell. Plus 20. —STILETTO33
  • My fiancé: Why would people want to sleep with Dan? He just writes shitty things about them. Me: People still date Taylor Swift. Plus 4? —PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Serena sitting at the breakfast table next to her boyfriend’s daughter with obvious sex hair. She would. Plus 15. Poor Sage. Nate, how could you invite that hobo to stay in Chuck’s penthouse? Minus 30. Monkey should have bit his leg off. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • I can’t wait until Jenny Humphrey comes home for Christmas and realizes her Dad is banging an underaged blonde in pseudo-goth clothing and far too much eyeliner. Awkward and very uncomfortable. But real. Plus six—TUCKERNUCK
  • Chuck said he spent a brief time as a candy striper. More like, he spent a brief time in Candy the Stripper. I see what you did there, Bass. Plus 3. —BRANDIE_LARUE
  • Like mother, like daughter. Not only has Serena inherited a brunette version of herself, but a boyfriend who solves problems by making tea. Camomille and peppermint are just the herbal version of waffles. Plus 3 —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • +25 for Serena’s self-satisfied look when Sage called her a “trophy girlfriend” at breakfast. She’s like a dog who only looks up from her food when her name is called. Otherwise, she just runs around in circles, chasing her tail.GINSOAKEDCECE
  • “Task me Blair” +100. I almost had to take a page out of Chuck’s book and walk that shiz off. And I’m a chick. —NIKOLE0602
  • “The devil is in the details and I’m about to start worshiping Satan” +50 because Blair - we are ALL on this blog worship that particular devil …  and he cares about the details right down to his purple socks. —SHARKSWEATERVEST
  • Serena has come full circle: from rebel teen to harrowed step-mom. Another month of mint teas or so and she’ll be channeling CeCe and guzzling gin with those breakfast berries. Real! +5 —GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Chuck projecting his voice when talking to the boxer. Very rare. Like albino rhino rare. +100 —MSP
  • “Chuck Bass, you read me like tea leaves.” Hard to put my finger on why I love this line. I think maybe because it sounds so retro-romantic, like a line cut from the final version of Breakfast At Tiffany’s. So cute, and so Chuck & Blair. +10 because it made me have warm fuzzies in my feeling place. —TRUMPETSTRUMPET
  • Even Nate laughs at Serena calling herself a mentor: +25 —BANGA
  • Is Lady Alexander Chuck’s mom? Is Chuck actually a prince? WILL THIS COME FULL CIRCLE FOR BLAIR??? PLEASE. (PLUS 50 if that actually turns out to be the case) —VARTA
  • Bart Bass (via Lily and her plethora of children/relatives) is supporting the entire UES —MACARONSANDSCOTCH

Faker Than Serena Thinking She’s Mentor Material

  • Sage walked like a crippled linebacker on that runway. -10. Steven mentions college, school & grades to Sage during breakfast. Dude NO. This is Gossip Girl. -8 —JJOVANA3
  • Minus 25 for Blair not bitch-slapping Sage for sabotaging her show. Whatever happen to knowing who the crazy bitch was around here? —SCHEMING WITH SCONES
  • Serena at a farmers market? No, minus 5. —KAT09
  • Skrillex Bass was super-disconcerting. I could only tell it was Chuck because of his purple socks. -2 —PIECEOFBASS
  • A kind of hot girl would not in a million years recognize Humphrey in a bar, let alone compliment his writing. Especially in that shirt. -10 —BETCHPLZ
  • Sage’s butch, bar-fight-style model strut? Minus 4. Sage being considered a ‘hot, popular’ girl, walking that way every day of her life? Minus 100. Nope. —PBANDJ
  • Serena and Blair getting owned by a 17 year old, these are the Masters! My, my how the mighty have fallen. -100 —BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS
  • Pretty Nate, you can tease everyone else but don’t tease the audience. If Serena and Blair both had the guts to hit Dan what stopped you both times? Tender memories of flannel and soccer? Minus 2 because well I wouldn’t want Nate to hurt his hands either. SEA7
  • Absence of Lily and Bart. Minus 20. Continued presence of Dan Humphrey. Minus 2000. DHumps will NEVER be a Park Avenue prince. Minus 20. Once a cater waiter, always … esp. now that his status as a minion has been confirmed by Blair. —KANGAROOTATTOO
  • Judging by Sage’s behavior, there are probably some things about sex tapes, coke, and snuff films Serena could teach her. Minus 20 because always listen to your elders Sage. Especially when they show up to breakfast wearing sequins. —FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • -5 for Vitamin King’s “I’m going to go figure out your punishment … while I make us some tea. It’s been a long night.” … and tea will make things better? It’s GIN you need, GIN! CeCe is just rolling in her grave. —MATTC016
  • Why was Serena so shocked over the nanny panties Sage revealed on the catwalk. I have seen her sporting way less cloth on the street, on various events and even at those times they used to go to Columbia. TIMEIA 

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Berries, Socks, and Tea