recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Nerd Strikes Back


This week, the show introduced another (shocking but not surprising) incestuous dating curveball on the tiny UES relationships tree, with 17-year-old Sage, who turns out to be the “mature” Steven the Vitaman’s daughter. Chuck gets blackmailed by senior Bass, and Nelly Yuki throws some serious real talk at the wannabe Humphrey at a gala. The commenters are unanimously anti-Sage (“Sage is not going to happen”), also hating on the Humps, celebrating his failure to get his book published, and laying on the waffle jokes. Dorota gets some love for her awesome styling skills (and fist-pump), and Serena, of all people, calls Sage a slut. What will happen next? Will Sage take over GG? Will writers include more Chair? Here’s the recap of the recap.  

Realer Than Yuki’s “I’m a Loser, You’re a Loser” Life Check to the Wannabe Humps

  • +5 for Dorota’s fist-pump after Blair complimented the office redecoration. And, of course, +5 for Blair taking all the credit for Dorota’s taste.  CHARENTON_
  • Dan can’t publish because of Basses. (thank you JPress for that) hahahhah. +1000 because duh!! JJOVANA3
  • I think Dorota should have inherited Waldorf Designs. She has a thousand times more business and design sense than Blair. Not surprised since shacking up with Dan Humphrey will do that to you. Plus 500 for Dorota. KANGAROOTATTOO
  • Well played to Georgina and Dan loudly proclaiming that they weren’t invited to the event as they walk in (especially with the security around). It must have been Vanya working the door. +1 MACARONSANDSCOTCH
  • Lily calls Chuck three times in one morning and Serena zero times in four months. +3 BETCHPLZ
  • Finally, finally, someone called Dan a loser. Thank you, Nelly Yuki. Plus 50. STILETTO33
  • Wardrobe department told to dress Sage. Takes instruction literally and picks green, herbal dress. Awkward. Plus 10 BELLADONNA86
  • So I follow Giants cornerback Prince Amukamara on Twitter. Tonight he RT this from former Nebraska teammate Green Bay Packer Curenski Gilleylen: RT @PrinceAmukamara RT @CuRenn “TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!!!” I responded: “Blair, is that you?” Curenski replied, “There you go!” Ladies and gentlemen, Gossip Girl has fans in the National Football League. I’m not sure how I feel about that. ACHARMER
  • Plus 10,000 for the greatest guest stars on the greatest show of our time: Jessica and Chris! Plus an additional 500 because they refused to publish Dan’s book. FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Plus 25 that the unholy union of Rufus + Ivy was what finally sent Dan over the edge. A number of other things could have done it, but it does seem appropriate that walking into his childhood home to find his dad banging the known con artist with whom he himself once also hooked up was the straw that broke the Humphrey’s back. My fiancé adds that Ivy probably gets Rufus to call her ‘Lily’. PURPLE AND GREEN
  • Georgina spends her spare time watching Dan sleep. And we thought Chuck was the one channelling Edward Cullen. Plus 3 BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Chuck has gold bars in his safe +30 NIKOLE0602
  • “I don’t care about your marriage and neither do you.” Amazing. Plus 10 SEA7
  • “I thought we’d agreed you would stop watching me sleep” -Dan +10 As real as Chuck being afraid of Georgina after losing his virginity–SHAMUSHKA
  • All that food at breakfast, yet not one waffle. Bart has officially banished Rufus. +10 NIKOLE0602
  • TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS! Words to live by to this day. Plus 100 CHUCKISMYPUPPY

Faker Than Nate Having a High IQ

  • Wait, so. Serena is dating Steven who has a daughter named Sage who is dating Nate. Soo … does this make Serena Nate’s new Stepmom? If so, Plus 25, because this is Gossip Girl, and that would happen. We should make a drinking game out of this. A shot every time Serena’s family tree gets expanded. SCHEMINGWITHSCONES
  • Sorry, but Serena can’t quote Shakespeare. No. Minus 10. STILETTO33
  • Serena likes old dude. Nate likes jailbait. Add the age differences, divide by pi, convert to roman numerals, multiply by % drop in ratings … wait, I don’t know where I was going with this. Seems like the writers don’t know where they’re going either. Minus 5BELLADONNA86
  • I would like to point out that Dan was not slapped. Minus 10 SEA7
  • While it completely makes sense that Serena would think lying about her name, background, and general personality is “like, totally OK” and not as bad as hiding a daughter, I am skeptical about the logistics of this whole thing. Where is Sage living? Her dad apparently lives with Serena, so Sage mustn’t be living there or they would have met each other already. Does Constance have a res we don’t know about? Doubtful. Too much potential drama for the writers to pass that one up. Does Sage live with her mom? Will Sage’s mom turn out to be Chuck’s fourth mom? Possible. -5 for gaping plot holes. GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Unless there’s something inherent to this particular gala that I’m missing, in what way does the Central Park Conservancy Gala double as an excellent place to debut one’s new fashion line? Minus 20 PurpleandGreen
  • “I live in the world where Chuck Bass gets the girl” - did you live in a cave Dan for the past 6 years? Chuck Bass gets the whole godamn Manhattan. Minus 8 JJOVANA3
  • Not enough CHAIR, GGwriters! For the love of all that is holy, lose Sage and start playing to your strengths - ugh. No points - just disappointment. SHARKSWEATERVEST
  • Dan: “Nate has a surprisingly high I.Q.” Wrong. Minus Twelftybillion. KIMMYBREE
  • Serena called someone ELSE a slut???? MINUS 5 MILLION POINTS. ABBY_E
  • Even if she graduated early, Nelly Yuki would not already be some fancy reporter who is getting gifts from designers. She didn’t have those sorts of connections. Minus 10 CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Obviously all the points go to the Greatest Cameos of Our Time. However, there are still issues to be dealt with … Poppy Lifton? No way. Georgina leaves no survivors. -5 because, what is she, an amateur? Also, the fact that they’re trying to make Dan’s penis happen this season is off-putting. It’s realistic for Georgina to get all obsessive, but the constant references to Dan being amazing in bed are strained at best and more likely blatant lies. -10 TRUMPETSTRUMPET
  • “Thanks to you, I’ve been up all week,” - that’s actually probably the most clever line Nate has ever had. MINUS 1, he can’t come up with double entendres. VARTA
  • Dan was totally being smug and imagining “things” with Chris at Georgina’s second coming joke. It’s DHumps, so that’s an automatic minus. KANGAROOTATTOO
  • The recap at the beginning showed Ruvey going at it tarantula style. Minus -50 for us having to see that again. —SCHEMINGWITHSCONES
  • The Danelly reunion was awesome, but I’ll give it a Minus 5 nonetheless. You don’t just drunk-confess your love for a guy in high school whose since become (however undeservingly) kinda famous and then get over it and feel like walking up to him at a party looking EXACTLY like your own high school self and diss his personal and career choices. You spot him across the room, crawl under the buffet and stay there the remainder of the party. And no, since you ask, I’m definitely not speaking from experience. TINEMUNK
  • Between the episode and the preview for next week, I kept wanting to cry out, “stop trying to make Sage happen! It’s not going to happen!” Minus 50 for taking screen time away from NJBC. JSTARKS
  • We didn’t make the “Top 25 Most Devoted Fan Bases” article on Vulture. MINUS 1000 because LOOK AT US! VARTA

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Nerd Strikes Back