Well, I certainly hope everybody enjoyed this morning’s installment of Jersey Shore. I say “this morning’s” because I assume that as JS watchers, you’re all also dedicated followers of the electoral process and were thusly otherwise engaged during the show’s live air date. I hope you enjoyed watching the analogous, insane bloviations of Wisconisin’s own Situation and his friend Joe-Woww.
(You may have noticed that today’s recap is extremely late, as some of us were up late watching CNN and couldn’t get our mitts on last night’s JS because of complications from extreme dedication to democracy. Pardon our patriotism.)
If you missed last week, then, boy, were you in for a treat, as this TWO-PARTER (Thanks so much, MTV! Really! Thank you for doubling our pleasure. And by thanks, I mean I loathe you and your programming directors) episode seemed to be composed entirely of retreaded plotlines from the season premiere. Two episodes in and we’re already doing a 120-minute clip show! Happy last season, everyone.
Anyhow, let’s give out some awards.
Best New Character: Morgan the Flasher
What a pair of Cousin Olivers on this one.
Best Use of Sobriety As a Plot Point: Mike
Okay, admit it: The best part of Intervention shows is waiting to see if the addict relapses, but this whole “will he or won’t he” thing with Sitch is making me very uncomfortable. One, because he keeps saying things like “I don’t do the hard stuff anymore” (Which leaves … what? Doobies? Whip-its? Huffing Dipptiy-Do?), and also because I don’t think that it’s very healthy to put a freshly sober person in a bunch of clubs! Perhaps! I don’t know, I’m not a doctor or Candy Finnigan. I guess give Mike a poker chip for six seasons of horrifying moral relativism.
Realtor of the Year Award: Nicole
I like how Snooki and MTV are calling her alcohol-free baby annex “Pregnancy House,” because I would have gone with the “Broken Condom Cottage,” the “Just One Glass of Wine Won’t Hurt Estates,” or “The Mansion From American Horror Story Season One Made Flesh.”
Greatest Stalker of All Time: Paul
Facebook friends! FACEBOOK FRIENDS.
Most Grave-Rolly: Amy Winehouse’s Ghost
That is all.
Heavyweight Champ: Jenni
Okay, I know. I was not comfortable with this at all, and I don’t condone violence by men or women because: Feminism. This whole fight thing felt weird and strange and wrong, but every time I see Roger’s beard, I think, Somebody smack it!
Most Celibatest: Vinny
Remember when the Shore House’s resident Thich Nhat Hanh swore off sex? I hate to think of Pauly and Vinny sharing a bedroom without the noises of mechanical heterosexual sex to lull one another to sleep. Do you think they lie awake at night and talk like two cheerleaders at a sleepover or a pair of young privates keeping their first night watch over their Vietnam platoon? Man, I bet it’s just like the script for Waking Life in there.
No. 1 Unintelligblest: Deena
Is it love? Gel manicure fumes? Just general Deeneration? I had no idea what your proxy and mine (admit it!) was saying for the majority of this episode. I’ve heard more easily parsed ramblings from insane Grand Central drifters. MEEP MERP MEEP. Muppet Show to English translator, please!
Best Reason to Move to Space: Deena’s Tampon Theory
Best Person to Have With You If You Murder Somebody: Danny, Probably
I’m just saying! For a humble T-shirt shopkeep, he’s really able to go along with this seven-year charade of acting like this group of caramelized cave people are still employed by his noble airbrushing establishment.
Most Appropriate Nickname: Sitch’s Sister
She calls him “Boobie.”
Most Ironic Fear Award: Mike’s Fear of Needles
He doesn’t want the shot that makes him not take painkillers because he doesn’t like pain! AhahahahahahHH TWILIGHT ZONE LAUGH!
Loser of the Night: The Female Body
Toxic shock, big areolas … John Mayer was wrong. It’s a nightmarescape!
All right! All of you, back to your Economists and Wall Street Journals. See you next week!