Earlier today, we learned that Daniel Day-Lewis passed time on the Lincoln set by texting love limericks (signed “Yours, A”) to his co-star Sally Field. Why, that sounds like good, clean, historical fun! Vulture thought. And so we broke out the old rhyming dictionaries and wrote some Lincoln-themed poetry. Here it is, in case you want to send a romantic and educational text to your date tonight.
There once was a man named Abe Lincoln
Whose Union was rapidly shrinkin’
He gave a nice speech
And freedom to each
And then out with his pals he went drinkin’.
—Yours, A
Oh, Abraham Lincoln, he’d glower
At a roster of guest stars so dour:
“I’m the president, mates
of these United States
So I’m clothed in immense freakin’ power.”
—Yours, A
Texted Abe, “I should not throw stones,
Of my own looks, I must make no bones
But I think this is big:
What the hell kind of wig
Did they put on poor Tommy Lee Jones?”
—Yours, A
Old Abe had a voice like a goat
Or Old Rose, who got stuck on a boat
It’s unusually high
Straight from Funny or Die
Or so the historians wrote.
—Yours, A
There once was a Lewis named Day
And weird characters he liked to play
Gets so into his part
He drinks milkshakes? It’s art!
Oscars follow him every which way.
—Yours, A
Abe Lincoln enjoyed a good top hat
And could rap every lyric of “Pop That”
That last one’s a lie
But we had to try
The rhyme was way better than “mop cat.”
—Yours, A
