GALLERY GIRLS – Season:1 – Pictured: (l-r) Amy Poliakoff, Angela Pham, Maggie Schaffer, Liz Margulies, Kerri Lisa, Claudia Martinez, Chantal Chadwick
Photo: Virginia Sherwood/Bravo Media
Gallery Girls, Bravo’s eight-episode collage of vapidness, finished its first (and likely only) season last night. We will miss you so! This show was a disaster, not just because of its abject phoniness — the ostensibly “brand-new” gallery End of Century actually opened years ago, for example — but also because of its truly vile and baffling cast. There was Chantal, always slouching and complaining and looking exactly like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones and ending all her phrases with a vocal-fry grumble; her sidekick Claudia, who kept feebly insisting the first syllable of her name rhymed with how not saw. Angela, the world’s attention-needingest human; Liz, the poor little rich girl whose casual racism was eclipsed only by her shimmery eye shadow; Amy, the bubbly drunk; and Maggie, whose head was always lolling around like her neck wasn’t strong enough to support it and who seemed somehow fully unable to express a complete thought. Technically, the show also included Kerri. But no one cared about her.
Through it all, through the tears, the nipple tape, the artificial drama, the confusing stereotypes, and the endless internships, we were comforted by one through-line: These women said truly ridiculous things. Here are our twenty favorite (“favorite”) lines from the season.
1. “I woke up, I did some yoga, I had a French press coffee, and I’m ready for work!” — Chantal, two hours late for work.
2. “Coriander is my favorite herb.” — Angela, who pronounces the H.
3. “Are you really drinking Michelob Light? You’re the love of my life!” — Drunk Amy.
4. “There are so many trees.” — Maggie, describing Florida.
5. “I need some real coffee. This tastes like Folgers.” — Chantal.
6. “I’m really inspired by moroseness … and cinema?” — Angela, describing her photography.
7. “Everyone runs and hides here because everyone’s, like, quiet little Asian people and scared.” — Liz, describing her School of Visual Arts classmates.
8. “Like, don’t get béchamel sauce all over my clothes.” — Angela.
9. “I get my hair done four times a week. It’s New York!” — Sober Amy.
10. “This event is supposed to make me buzz worthy!” — Angela.
11. “[Silence.]” — Maggie, whenever she’s asked a direct question.
12. “It’s really just teetering on the precipice of moroseness. That’s really what I love about my own photography.” — Angela.
13. “You need one LAMD … a look-at-me device. Usually it’s my big hats or pink pants or nipples.” — Angela, who is not exaggerating at all.
14. “I don’t trust anything from someone who calls himself the Sucklord. His name is probably Steve.” — Claudia.
15. “[Crying.] You need to get off the Adderall or something.” — Chantal, to her “business partner” Claudia.
16. “I accidentally showed [my boyfriend]’s boss a picture of my vagina.” — Chantal.
17. “My family will definitely be excited if I get a paying job; they’ve wanted me to have that forever.” — Maggie.
18. “Your friend is a disgusting vile commoner creature.” — Liz, to Maggie.
19. “Amy’s apartment is large, expensive, and gaudy, just like Amy.” — Angela.
20. “[Nothing.]” — Kerri. Remember Kerri? No? Yeah, no.